Crazy Super-Gay Peter Parker One-shots

Toddler Peter VS Asgard

This is a request by @WiredAUMaker (so sorry for how long it took) and I... I don't even know what happened in this chapter. Maybe I need more sleep.

Ships: IronStrange

Warnings: Swearing, fire, a toddler being taught magic

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"Hey, ah..." Clint announced, walking into the kitchen with what seemed to be a large armful of Peter's clothes. "I don't want to alarm anyone but Peter's now a toddler."

Shocked silence filled the room as everyone turned to stare at Hawkeye, who laid the bundle of clothing on the floor - revealing Peter, who was somehow hidden in the pile.

"What did you do?!" Stephen Stark-Strange hissed, immediately going in to protective-mama-sorcerer mode.

Tony and Stephen shot up from the table, shooting towards their now toddler, once teenage son. They stared at him for a second - making sure that this was actually Peter, not just a random child Clint found on the street.

Clint shook his head, eyes widen in horrified alarm. "Nothing! It wasn't me!"

"You're on thin ice, Barton. Especially after what you did to my cloak." Stephen spat, glaring at Clint.

"For the last time, that was Loki dressed like me who through it out of a window! Not me!" Hawkeye exclaimed, jumping as Stephen threw a random book (which definitely hadn't been in the room before that) at him.

"Yes! We can finally have a wholesome happy one-shot where we all just get ice-cream and live as one big happy family!" Tony exclaimed, picking up his son and twirling him around lovingly.

Peter giggled, rambling an assortment of happy words in toddler dribble. Stephen nodded with a grin, agreeing with his husbands idea, as the Avengers screamed their favourite ice-cream flavours in the background.

There was also some talk of murdering those who did not like their favourite ice-cream flavours, but that was easily ignored.

It all seemed well and good until a loud thud echoed through the kitchen, startling everyone.

A brick slammed against the window, but didn't break the shatter resistant glass. Causing a dozen more bricks followed suite, until finally Clint opened one of the windows. This idea came with a cost for the hero, however, as he was almost immediately hit in the face with a brick.

"Brick-tch!" Clint shouted, clutching his nose.

Natasha blinked at him. "Did you... did you really just combine brick and bitch? What the fuck, Clint."

Before Hawkeye could respond, Stephen let out a noise if discontent - noticing that the brick had a note attached to it. Yanking the piece of paper from the solid weapon, the sorcerer frowned. "Dear Avengers, blah, blah, blah... we have discovered that Spider-Man is your son-"

"Did you not announce that on the ts of vs?" Thor asked, interrupting Stephen, much to the sorcerer's annoyance.

Tony nodded at the confused Norse god while his husband continued reading aloud. "Blah, blah, blah... So, we've decided to turn him into a toddler to make kidnapping him easier."

The room fell into silence - with only Peter making cheerful small child noises - before the Avengers and Loki burst into laughter.

"They... they are the dumbest villains I've ever heard of!" Loki announced, snickering loudly.

As the room's joint laughter died down into soft chuckles, Tony turned serious with a deep sigh. "Well, I suppose this means that we can't have a wholesome ice-cream day."