Crazy Super-Gay Peter Parker One-shots

Wait... Who's Peter's Boyfriend?

I wrote this randomly on a Thursday night at 3am, kept awake by spite and a screaming donkey. Please excuse my general bleh mental state - I don't know words from life anymore.

Also, I know that holidays can be a really tough time for people, so I hope that each and every one of you are staying safe and happy. The opinions of your family don't define you - you define you.

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of Christmas... I honestly don't know what else.

Ships: IronStrange, Stucky, WandaVision, Thoruce, PepperMayTasha, and Peter's in a relationship with unspecified people as to not ruin the surprise (everyone is aged down when needed, of course! And there aren't any 'odd' ships, so don't worry)

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"Does anyone know if Wade prefers regular or sweet mashed potato?" Steve asked, stepping into the Avengers lounge room.

Tony, who was tiredly drinking 'eggnog' from a Christmas themed flask, looked up from the tv. "Both, he sang a full musical number about it last Tuesday. Why?"

"He's coming for Christmas dinner tomorrow as Peter's guest. Didn't he tell you?" Steve replied, gaining the attention of everyone in the room.

"Wade?" Pepper asked, nose scrunching up in confusion. "Peter's bringing his boyfriend, Ned."

Her wives, May and Natasha, made noises of agreement, which only seemed to confuse the room more.

"Peter's not dating Wade or Ned, he's dating Harley," Stephen announced from his husband's side, getting a nod from Tony, who believed the same thing.

Clint scoffed through a mouthful of coloured popcorn, staring at the Grinch eating a glass bottle. "Peter's dating Eddie - you know, Venom? Oh, and this movie is fucked up."

"I was also told that Peter was dating Eddie," Wanda and Vision said in sync.

Thor frowned in confusion, turning to where Loki was previously sitting, to find the younger god gone. "Man of Spiders is dating brother Loki, not those mentioned mortals."

Bruce spoke up quickly, adding to his boyfriend's response. "I've seen Loki and Peter kiss before - they're definitely together."

Bucky stuck his head out of the kitchen, from where he's been listening. "I've got to agree with Steve, here - Petey's dating Deadpool. Have you had to watch them flirting? I have, it's awful."

Silence fell across the room, no one sure quite how to respond. Peter had five potential boyfriends, and no one had any clue who the real one was.

Fury raised an eyebrow at the room's occupants, all of whom seemed to have come to a complete standstill in the 'who is dating Peter' discussion. "You do realise that you'll all need to stop being little bitches and actually ask the kid, right?"

"PETER!"

——————

"Why am I in an interrogation room on Christmas Eve-Eve?" Peter asked, looking at the swarm of family members sitting across from him, all squeezed onto the other side of the table.

When no one spoke up, Peter gasped loudly in realisation. "Did a shapeshifter steal my face and rob a mall Santa?! Noooo!"

"That's suspiciously specific," Fury replied, eye narrowed on the teen. "Did you rob a mall Santa?"

Peter laughed nervously. "No?"

"Kid...," Fury responded warningly.

"Fine - but it was only for candy canes! No money involved!" Peter announced innocently. "He was hoarding them! And he hadn't even bought them yet!"

Fury shrugged. "Meh, I don't really care that much."

Peter sighed In short-lived relief, as it was quickly interrupted by Tony's disappointed face.

"Peter... why would you lie to us?" Stephen asked tearfully. "Were we not good enough parents?"

Spider-Man's face fell immediately. "What?! No! You're great parents! I haven't lied about anything!"

"Then why did you tell us that you were dating Harley?" Tony demanded, playing angry-parent to Stephen's disappointed sad-parent.

"Because I am?" Peter replied softly, almost quizzically.

"But I thought you were dating Wade?" Steve and Bucky asked as one.

Peter nodded. "I am."

"You said you were dating Ned!" May cried, looking highly confused.

The teen nodded, looking equally as bewildered. "Yeah, 'cause I am."

"What about Eddie?" Wanda asked softly, cogs clicking into place in her head.

"Yup."

"...Loki?" Bruce inquired, raising an eyebrow at the teen.

"Him, too."

"So you're dating Wade, Eddie, Loki, Harley, and Ned...?" Nat confirmed, leaning back in her seat with a smug 'that's my nephew' smirk.

"Yes."

Clint hummed, looking slightly concerned. "Do they... do they all know?"

"Of course!" Peter replied instantly. "We're in a polyamorous relationship."

Thor hummed, stroking his beardless chin. "A relationship with multiple pets sounds intriguing."

Peter shook his head, doing a visible double take. "...what?"

"Poly-animal-ous relationship," the god replied, eyes-brows creasing in confusion. "Does it not mean a relationship with several animals kept as docile home and mental-state protectors?"

Peter opened his mouth, then closed it again, repeating this motion as he tried to this through Thor's logic. "No...? It's when someone is in a romantic or intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of everyone involved. Aunty Nat, Aunty Pepp, and Aunt May are in a polyamorous relationship - just one where they're all partners."

"Ah, but you do have pets, correct?" Thor asked, looking highly concerned over the lack of animals involved in this discussion.

"I guess? Ned has a dog," Peter replied, frowning.

"Ah! The small horses are commendable pets!"

"...right."

Steve sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, then turning to Peter. "So who's coming to dinner then?"

"All of them!" Peter grinned. "Oh and I invited Shuri, MJ, and T'Challa, too."

"...I'll just make both types of mashed potato."