Crazy Super-Gay Peter Parker One-shots

The Stark-Strange Suprise Adoption

Howdy, ya'll! It's me - a simple cowgirl with nothing better to do than avoid sleep by writing fluffy, crackly nonsense. Yeehaw, partners!

Ships: IronStrange, MayTasha, Stucky

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of past Spider-Man traumas (specifically Ben's death), mentions of weed (but none is consumed, sadly), and Peter being a loveable idiot.

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"We want your kid," Tony announced one morning, staring at May from across the breakfast table. "We will not take no for an answer."

May paused, cereal spoon centimetres from her mouth. She placed it down slowly, rolling her eyes as her wife, Natasha, snickered from her right side.

Tony's husband, Stephan, huffed from his left, throwing his arms into the air. "This is why I wanted to do the talking!"

"Yeah, well, guess who won two out of the three coin flips - me, bitch," Tony cried, copying his husband.

"Anyway," Stephen announced loudly, turning back to May, "we want to adopt Peter."

May raised an eyebrow, reaching for her coffee cup. "Took you long enough."

"You're not going to fight us on this?" The billionaire asked with a frown.

Stephen followed suit, equally surprised. "Or tell us that we'd make awful parents, and we should never have children, lest we instil trauma onto their very souls?"

"Ha, Peter's already beyond traumatised," May laughed, sipping at her drink. "Thank you, New York."

"So you're happy to sign the adoption papers?" Stephen asked, a wide smile spreading across his face.

"Yup."

Tony squealed like a school girl, while Stephen clasped his hands together, somehow grinning wider. The celebrated in silence, practically on cloud nine.

Then Nat spoke up, smirking mischievously. "Congrats and all, but the real question here should be - how exactly are you going to ask him?"

Tony and Stephen shared a look, faces falling. "Oh fuck."

——————

Within half an hour, a bunch of people were crowded into a meeting room, standing in front of several large whiteboards.

As such, Tony, Stephen, Nat, May, Pepper, Steve, Bucky, Thor, Loki, Bruce, Clint, and Happy were all present and brainstorming ideas.

"We should set of fireworks that will spell out 'baby thievery? No thank you. Adoption? Yes ma'am' in the sky," Pepper proposed with a smile. "I know a guy who can have the fireworks ready by sundown."

Loki scoffed, looking up from his half painted nails. "I have magic, you know? I can do it in the snap of a finger. I suggest you write a series of clues, all adding up to reveal that you're adopting him."

"Or we could reenact Ben's death scene, but have Tony and I play as Ben, and survive. Then we could ask him once his inevitable panic attack finishes," Stephen suggested.

"That's fucking horrifying and extremely traumatic," May replied, blinking frantically in shock before grinning maniacally. "Write it down."

Steve grabbed the whiteboard marker out of Tony's hand before he could reach for the board. "Or you could do something that won't land the poor kid in therapy?"

"But they want it to be memorable," Bucky disagreed, frowning at his boyfriend. "I can't think of anything more memorable than a trauma inducing incident that messes with ones perception of time and person."

"It doesn't need to be traumatic to be memorable. Just sit him down with a nice cup of hot chocolate. Lay out all the details - how much you want him to be part of your family, why he's so special, and so forth. Then ask him, point blank, if he would like to become your kid. Officially," Captain America finished, looking off into the distance with a smile, like he was picturing the soft moment.

The rest of the room shared a look, all making faces. "Nah."

"I could mow one of the fields on my farm to read out 'we're adopting you', then you can fly over in a helicopter," Clint offered happily. "Or I could spray paint it on one of the cows."

"Since when do you have cows?" Nat demanded, turning to look at her best friend.

Clint shrugged. "Since I made a very bad investment in the weed market, and ended up with cows instead of manure."

"You grow weed?"

Hawkeye winked. "Not officially."

That's when Tony looked up, grinning widely before clasping his hands together victoriously. "I think I have an idea."

——————

Peter Parker didn't really know what to expect when he arrived at Stark Tower after school.

He'd received a message about two hours prior from Tony, reading simply; 'Come by right after school - I have a surprise. All good, I promise. Good, now send it, please, Friday. No, don't add that to the message. Just tell him to come over, nothing else. I didn't mean to - wait, stop! That's enough! This is why Dum-E's my favourite!'

So, of course, Peter was rather intrigued by this surprise.

"Mr Stark?" Peter asked, stepping into the living room, where the Avengers and Co (including Happy and May) were waiting. "I, uh, you said there was a surprise?"

Anticipation was heavy in the air, with several people holding their breaths. Peter, however, was just really confused.

"We're adopting," Stephen announced as Tony threw a handful of confetti into the air.

Peter's face lit up immediately, immediately imagining the small child/baby that would soon grace his life. "That's amazing! Who are they? What's their name?"

"That's the surprise," Tony grinned, waving frantically in the direction of Bruce, Thor, and Loki.

On cue, Thor pushed a large rectangle, covered in a sheet and topped with a bow, besides the Stark-Strange couple. This made the teen highly confused, as the rectangle seemed far too thin to fit a human being, baby or otherwise.

"Surprise!" Tony and Stephen shouted, pulling off the sheet to reveal a mirror, showing Peter himself.

Spider-man remained silent for a moment, then looked over at the sorcerer and billionaire, completely serious. "You adopted a mirror?"

The room went still in disbelief, everyone staring at the highly intelligent, honours student in front of them. The only ones who found this immediately and utterly hilarious were Loki, Nat, and Bucky - all of whom were cackling on the sidelines.

Eventually, May let out a deep sigh, facepalming loudly. "Peter, you absolute dumbass. It's you. They're adopting you!"

"Ohhh," Peter mumbled, frowning softly, before doing a double take as the information set in. "Wait, WHAT?!"