Crazy Super-Gay Peter Parker One-shots

Farquaad, Therapy, And The Very-Fast New Years

Happy New Year/last day of Kwanzaa (depending on time zones and such)! Best of luck for the new year, I know each and every one of you will do great things (and if you don't, that's perfectly fine, too!).

Ships: IronStrange, Parley, Thoruce

Warnings: I'm still stuck in Christmas mode I'm sorry, swearing, unnecessary bitchy-ness, time mayhem

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It was very early in the morning when Harley burst into Avengers tower, ready to spread some holiday joy, or whatever else he planned to do with the potato shooter in his hand. "Ho, Ho, ho, merry-"

"It's New Years Eve," Tony cut him off, looking up from his bowl of chips with tired, dead eyes.

Harley went dead quiet, placing down his potato gun to focus solely on the issue at hand. "What the fuck?!"

This explanation came for numerous reasons. The first was obvious - it simply couldn't be New Years already. The second was also obvious - Tony Stark awake at 6am? Bitch please, in what universe would he ever? And the third? Well, who eats a whole bag of chips for breakfast when Pancakes were quite literally on the table?

"Yeah, that's what I said," Peter mumbled, pouting softly as he looked up at his boyfriend. "We didn't even get to open presents - the world just fast forwarded out of no where."

"Clearly, something is wrong," Harley announced, looking around the room. "I mean, it was literally Christmas Day three minutes ago."

"Yeah, well, unless you know someone who's willing to fuck with time to get out of attending family events, it's New Years," Stephen replied with a huff.

He didn't buy everyone matching Christmas sweaters for his yearly I'm-better-than-you photoshoot (aimed directly at a bitchy mother from Peter's school) for nothing.

However, this fact wasn't what was on anyone's minds in the following moments. There was a long pause, everyone in the room registering what had just been said and who that sounded exactly like.

"LOKI!"

Stephen, Tony, Peter, and Harley, along with the other miserable Avengers and Co (specifically Bruce, Steve, Bucky, Clint, Nat, Pepper, and a random man in red latex who most of the people present believed was just Deadpool in a fake moustache) stormed towards the god's bedroom in a fit of fury.

"Loki, open your door right now," Bucky called through the wood, getting no response.

Natasha huffed, pushing past the ex-assassin. With one mighty kick, the door was open, and the group began to pool inside.

Loki was sitting at his dressing table, sipping a sandcastle bucket full of tequila in his fluffy nighttime robe. He looked up, obviously unimpressed at the ruthless entrance, but didn't look surprised.

"I regret nothing," he announced eventually, crossing his arms defiantly.

"You... you... meanie!" Peter cried, looking ready to burst into tears at any moment.

Harley pulled his boyfriend into a soothing hug, petting his hair gently to comfort him. It didn't work, as Peter only get more pouty.

"We're not angry," Steve said softly, "we just want to know why and how."

However, this statement didn't get a lot of positive response ms from the others. In all fact, everyone but fake-moustache Deadpool looked pretty distraught.

"He might not be angry but you're dead to me," Pepper hissed, eyes narrowing in on Loki's face.

"In my defence, you have never had to sit through Odin's seventeen-hour long yodelling/belly dancing performance," Loki whined, throwing his hands into the air. "So what if I don't want to spend Yule with my family - I already have to put up with Thor today!"

"I thought Thor went to Asgard?" Bruce asked, thinking back to a few hours prior.

His boyfriend had shook him away at 2am, declaring loudly that he was going to 'venture forth with haste to a land no mere mortal has dared step foot in for endless eternity'. This, of course, had lead to a pillow being slammed into the god's head, but Bruce didn't need to mention that part.

Loki let out a loud sigh, pointing towards his bathroom door. Without saying a word, he submerged his face into his hands, looking done with existence.

Being the closest, it was Clint who pushed the door open, revealing the Lord of Thunder sat in Loki's giant bathtub, surrounded by bubbles and rubber ducks.

"Yes, Lord of Farquaads, I shall marry thee," Thor announced, acting out a scene between two ducks - one red and one green.

The god didn't seem to notice the numerous eyes pointed his way, as he continued happily. "Oh, Shrek, you've made me the happiest goblin in all of Ireland. Let's adopt so many pet serpent-gators and live off tire sales."

Nobody said a word, unable to find anything to explain what they were thinking and feeling. So Clint pulled the door closed quietly, looking just as traumatised as the others felt.

"There is so much wrong with everything I just saw," Bucky announced eventually, breaking up the awkward silence.

Pepper nodded, turning towards Loki. "Could you please do some more time magic? Specifically, could you please send me to a point in the future where I have completely forgotten about this moment?"

Loki shook his head sadly. "There is no such point. That scene will haunt your mindscape for all of eternity."

"Well, let's look on the bright side here," Stephen announced eventually. "We will all have a lot of time to bond in family therapy."

Peter's eyes lit up, making half of the room's occupants uneasy with worry. "Can I explain my emotions to the therapist through interpretive dance?!"

Tony and Stephen shared a look, then a shrug. "I don't see why not."

"Aw, yiss! Family therapy for the win!"