Sanders Sides Onshots Book 2 {COMPLETED}

Empty Rooms & Hatred (Moxiety)

Unedited (Please point out any errors, because my typing is bad tonight)

T.W. Talk of self-harm and talk of death. (Nothing detailed.)

"You won't ever understand. It's not that I don't want to tell you, oh boy, I would tell you everything, but it's not that simple. I want you to know, I want to tell you, I just can't tell you. I haven't come to terms with it myself. How am I supposed to tell you, if I can't accept it myself?" Virgil looked up and his gaze met Patton's.

"Can't, or won't?"

"You really think I'd want to keep this from you. Patton, it's eating away at me, and I want you to know, and it's so hard. It's like this heavy weight on my chest, and it makes it so hard to breathe, and there are days where I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to do anything. And then I have days where I can't get out of bed. It's not that I don't want to. I do. But it all seems physically impossible. And those days are usually the days where you all want me out of my room, and it's so hard, because I need to tell you and I can't. I need someone there, and I can't get my body and mind to cooperate. My mind tells me to do something, but my body won't. I want to tell you everything I deal with, but I can't always do that." Virgil looked at Patton, trying to read his expression. He'd made a big decision to talk to Patton about it. He knew, out of all the sides, Patton would be the least likely to judge him, and would try to help him.

"I don't know what you want me to do..."

"I want you to listen. I want you to hear me. You don't know how many times I've cried out for help, but no one hears. No one understands. They can't hear my pain, they can't see my demons. Only I can, and it's too loud, and too overwhelming, and it's the worst thing I can deal with. I sit alone in my room, because I don't want any of you to see the pain I deal with, but I hate my own company. I hate it with a passion. I hate being with myself. My demons get bigger, they push me down more, I feel useless, and worthless. Have you ever been lying there, at 3 am, wide awake, your thoughts in complete turmoil? That's me, all the time. It never stops. I have this voice that tells me how useless and pathetic I am. That you will all see me that way. That you will leave me, and I'll be left on my own. I sit in the dark, because I don't want to look at myself, I don't want to see the thin, ugly, pale, worthless, pathetic, useless trait. I don't want to see what others pity. I wish I was confident in myself. I wish too much, but it's all pointless. I leave my room, and sit in the blank space, and all I hear are these words that are repeated all the time. Pathetic, useless, worthless, broke, empty, ruined, annoying. They don't stop, and it sucks. I need someone, but I'm too scared to ask for help. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to bother you, or make you get up at 3 am, because you're supposed to be sleeping, and I want you to be functional, because don't care about me, I don't care about what I'm supposed to do, so long as everyone else is fine. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth the effort, and I'm not worth saving. But here I am, asking you to save me. Here I am, ranting about everything, and you'll probably just leave." Virgil stopped, he didn't mean to let go, he wanted to talk about how he felt more, but it all came out wrong, and he couldn't help it.

"So, you're here asking for me to help you, after everything that just transpired downstairs? You hurt Logan, and Roman. And now you want me to help you? Why should I?"

"Patton please. I don't know why it happened. I don't know why. I just lost control. It happens. My mind gets too consumed by these words and I picture you three saying them, and then I lash out, and I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to really hurt anyone. I know I'm a F*** up, I know I am. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to deal with me. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm here. I'm sorry I made the mistake of trying to talk to you. I should have known better. No one really wants to help, and I just can't do anything right. I'm sorry to you, and I'm sorry to them. I'm sorry I can't control myself, and I'm sorry I had to drag you here. I'll just go."

"Virgil, you know that's not what I meant. You are not a screw up. You just have complications. You're human. Well, as human as we can be. You know you can come to me at any time of the day, and I'll help you, no matter what. But, you have to talk to Logan and Roman, and maybe explain why it happened."

"Patton, they'll hate me. I know they will. They won't like me anymore, they'll see me as a monster, they'll see me the way I see me, and they'll be worse. They won't want me around. Maybe I should just never show up again. Permanently duck out. I'm not worth staying around. Patton, I'm better off dead. Do you know how many times I've thought about that? The amount of times I've wanted to try and kill myself, because I know you all hate me. I know you do. Don't lie about it. I have scars covering me, because I'm too scared to even kill myself. I'm too scared of the idea of death to even kill myself. But all I want is to die. Patton, I'm messed up, and you all deserve better. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I can't do my job. I can't do anything right. I can't even keep friends." Virgil broke down, the tears had been filling his eyes since the beginning, but they decided now was time to make a show. They cascaded down his cheeks, leaving him a stuttering, sobbing mess. He was loud, and he couldn't stop the sobs that wracked his frame. The noise bought Roman and Logan to his room. The noise was too much, and he couldn't breathe the way he wanted to, but he wasn't slipping into an attack.

"Virgil..." Patton's gaze filled with worry as he watched his boyfriend sob, and curl in on himself, the words previously uttered filled his head. His boyfriend craved death, and he couldn't achieve it. Patton couldn't tell if he was a bad boyfriend for not noticing these things, or not. He rushed over and scooped Virgil into a hug, holding him against his chest, letting him soak the blue shirt.

"I'm sorry." Was all Virgil could manage. He wasn't sure what he was apologising for, maybe for everything. For hurting his friends, for pushing people away, for being himself, for admitting it all? He couldn't take it, the pain was too much, and all he could do was claw at his wrists, but his friends had other ideas.

Logan took his hands, and stopped him from hurting himself more, Patton ran a hand through his hair, a calming technique learned early on in their relationship, and Roman sat behind them, propping Virgil up, and hugging him from behind.

Eventually, the tears slowed, and he was able to look at the people surrounding him.

"Virgil, I don't know much about what you're going through, but please, if you need me at 3 am, or 5 pm, come to me. I will listen, I will cuddle you, I will give you whatever you need. If you feel like self harming, come to me, and give me 20 minutes, and if you still feel like doing it afterwards, then okay, but I need to help. And I'm sorry I didn't notice before." Patton pressed a kiss to his temple, and held him tightly.

"I'm sorry for everything." Virgil muttered, half asleep in Patton's arms. "For-" He was cut of with a yawn, but continued after, "everything." That was all it took for him to fall asleep. He was exhausted from fighting. Fighting his demons, and fighting to keep control of his life.

Patton moved him to the bed, and lay next to him, determined to be there when he woke up.

And in the future, Virgil went to Patton whenever he needed to, and he learned to go to Logan and Roman at times, because they were always there for him, no matter what. He slowly felt like he belonged. His mental illenss never left, but his mental health improved.

1513 words

Just a little something, if any of you feel like this, and you need someone, my DMs are always open, and I may not reply straight away, but I will reply, and if you need to rant to someone, and just get some things off your chest, feel free to go to my DMs, because I know it can help. And I understand a lot of what's in this. So please don't suffer in silence.

Hope you enjoyed
Take care
xx