Inferno Part 2

~50~ Another Piece Of My Heart

Ellie's POV

Sasha and I are shopping for new curtains and a rug for my foyer. We took Drew with us. He's such a happy little thing. He's constantly smiling at us, wanting our attention.

"Are things getting any better, Sash?" I ask as we're walking through the mall.

She sighs. "Dylan isn't horrible to me. He just refuses to be in any room I'm in. It really hurts my feelings."

I give her a side hug and kiss her hair. "Don't take it personally. It's on him. Not you."

She nods and takes a bite of her pretzel. "Josie hates me. Mom, am I horrible? I know I used to be self-centered, but I've been trying. Ever since I pushed Luke and hurt Trace. I've been trying to be a good person. Am I just fooling myself?"

I stop walking and turn her to face me. "No darling. You've become one of the most kindest, most considerate woman I've ever met. How many 19 year olds would be willing to take in their boyfriends siblings? You're a dang good mom. You're working your ass off to get your teaching license. Plus, you're in charge of choreographing your team. You're being too hard on yourself."

She wipes away a tear and starts walking again.

"I just don't feel like I'm ever enough."

I have to think about how to say this. Choose my words carefully. "Did I ever tell you about what happened after I had the twins?"

She just shakes her head.

"Having three kids under three was hard. Hard isn't even the right word for it. I honestly hated it. I would cry all the time. Then I would flip and be pissed. Your dad once tried to rub my back one night, and I snapped on him. I told him I hated him."

"Why would you do that?"

"I have no idea. I didn't realize how much I was struggling. I was though. I was struggling bad. Do you feel like you're struggling?"

She starts to cry and we stop walking again. I silently pull her into my arms and let her sob, ignoring stares from people walking by.

"I'm not enough for him" she sobs.

"Who?"

"Andrew" she says, crying even harder.

"Baby, look at him" I say, pulling her to face me and wiping her tears away.

She sniffs and looks at him. Drew is waving his chubby hand in the air and grinning at his mom.

"He's been staring at you all day. He hasn't taken his eyes off of you. He loves you with his whole entire heart. He's the happiest little baby I've ever seen. He's happy. He's healthy. He's clean. He's fed. He's loved. You're giving him EVERYTHING! Do you hear me?"

She sniffs and grabs his hand, kissing it. He grins even wider at her touch.

"Then why do I feel so empty?" She sniffs, kissing his nose.

"It will get better. If you feel like it isn't, then it's time to talk to someone. People who specialize in this."

"In what?"

"Postpartum Depression"

"Momma, I'm not depressed"

I pull her chin to face me. "You've been so busy ever since he's been born. This is the first time you've let yourself breathe. I just think that all your feelings are crashing in on you right now."

She nods and picks him up out of the stroller and snuggles him close. "I just love him so much" she sniffs.

"And he loves you too. Look at the way he's staring at you. He loves his momma. You're enough for him."