it's you, it's always been you

chapter 1

"You were hiding behind your dad, I remember, and you were both wearing these black and blue Shadyside High School rain coats." Deena spoke.

She didn't even realized what she said until Sam raised herself on her side, now facing Deena who was still on her back.

Deena turned her head as soon as she saw Sam turn towards her. Sam laughed when she saw how serious Deena's face was. "What are you even talking about?" Sam asked as she stopped laughing, with a smile across her lips.

"When I met you for the first time. That's what you were wearing. It was the first soccer practice and your dad wanted to meet mine since he was the coach and introduce you."

Sam rested her head on her hand that was still propped up by her elbow. "I think I remember that. We were like, what? In 5th grade? Yeah fifth grade. I remember you sat directly behind me in the cafeteria all year. And at the beginning of the school year you kept asking if I was doing alright and needed help with anything. Wow I completely forgot about that until now. You were always looking out for everyone even in the tragic years of middle school."

Deena was now facing Sam on her side as Sam spoke. Deena studied the way Sam's dimple appear and then disappear as Sam smiled and spoke.

Whenever Sam would smile at her, Deena could feel her chest ache, she felt this warmth, as cheesy and corny as it sounds to a romantic pessimistic like Deena, there was always a warmth she could feel in her heart when she saw a smile written across Sam's face. How her whole face lit up. Her eyes truly had this light in them that would shine through. Without realizing she was doing it, Deena would find herself smiling just at the fact Sam was.

"I also remember you having a slightly big head as a kid." Deena said, with a smile beaming across her face that matched Sam's.

"Hey!" Sam exclaimed as she used her free hand playfully push Deena's shoulder which caused her to lay on her back again. "But it grew in! It's a perfectly sized head and not a pumpkin one anymore. It was a very cute pumpkin don't worry." Sam rolled her eyes as she laughed at Deena's words.

There was a thud of the front door being slammed shut underneath them, which told them that Deena's father was home. She knew his shift ended hours ago, but he stumbles in at 2 am after someone at the bar downtown took him home after he reached his limit with beer. This was a nightly routine.

Deena used to stay up late until her father came home, but it's been happening for so long, Deena gave up worrying about him. She was the kid and he was the adult after all, she thought. Deena's eyes go directly at Sam's that were already on her, "he's finally home, a little earlier than usual." Deena spoke, with annoyance in her tone. "Should we go inside? Will he get mad if he knew we were on the roof?" Sam asked, genuinely concerned that she could have gotten Deena in trouble. "No, he doesn't care and won't even notice." Deena huffs as she sits up.

The roof felt like their spot. It was away from everything else and there was just Sam, the stars and the moon. These nights are what gets Deena through the roughest days. The excitement of being alone with Sam, without anything interrupting them. Without the judgement of anyone else is the world.

Deena could look at Sam with as much love and tenderness as she wanted without anyone watching them.

On these nights the only thing that mattered was Sam. "I should go though, my parents will be checking for me soon. I have enough time to now to sneak in." Sam had a hint of sadness in her tone as she spoke.

"We have school in exactly," Sam takes Deena's wrist and turns it so she can see what her watch says. "Exactly five hours and 44 minutes." Sam finishes, setting Deena's arm down but letting her fingers linger around her wrist, and her thumb stroking the skin of Deena's arm.

For a moment they both stare at Sam's thumb as she moves it back and forth. There was another thud below them that broke the moment and Sam took her hand off Deena's arm.

Deena's eyes were still locked on the spot Sam's thumb just caressed. It was such a small gesture of tenderness to anyone else but it made Deena's heart swell and then ache when Sam pulled her fingers away. Sam stood up very carefully, and reached out for Deena's hands to help her stand.

When Deena stood, she was the one that let her hand linger on Sam's for a moment, even when they were both safely standing up. Deena's eyes finally met Sam's and she realized Sam was looking directly at her mouth. Deena swallowed hard which brought Sam back into the moment. Sam pulled her hands away, and climbed into Deena's bedroom window, watching carefully as Deena followed her. Sam helped her inside, but took her hands away when Deena was inside, not letting herself linger on Deena again.

This was a silent game they played. Like some kind of ballet they danced on the roof every night Sam came over. It was like they were daring one another to go further and further, who would linger their fingers on the others longer, or stare at the others lips the longest and who would break away first.

Deena walked Sam out the front door, being able to smell the scent of beer coming from her father in the kitchen when she came back inside.

Deena went straight to the box underneath her bed and took her notebook out.

"Dear Sam,
I love you Sam and I don't know what to do with that love, where to put it, except love you in secret.  I knew when I loved you more than just friends, was when I saw anything beautiful, a sunset, the feeling of the sun on my skin, a sunflower, a rainbow. Someone keeping the door open for the stranger behind them. I think of you. You're all that is good in this world. And sometimes I hate you for it. Sometimes I hate the way my chest swells when you smile at me. And the way your laugh makes me laugh. The way you look at me sometimes makes my cheeks get so hot without warning. It's not your fault but I blame you for it. I never thought true love was a thing. Actually I never thought it could be a thing for me, then you walked up in your little blue raincoat and I knew it then just as a kid, it was you, it's has always been you.

Love,
Deena"

Deena shut the notebook and put it back in the box under her bed. It was filled with letters and words she wanted to say to Sam. It held all of her deepest emotions. All that belonged to Sam. No one knew about it, and she planned on never tell anyone about it either. But she hoped, maybe, one day she would be brave enough to show Sam. She wasn't scared to die or stand up for herself to anyone that dared. But it terrified her to think that one day her friendship with Sam could be ruined if she told Sam how she felt. So she kept silent and kept writing in her notebook.