it's you, it's always been you

chapter 89

Deena leaned back in the drivers seat as she watched Sam.

She smiled as she saw how fast Sam was walking. Deena waved back when Sam stopped at the front door and turned back and waved.

She saw her reflection of how wide of a smile she had just because Sam waved at her.

She remembered Taylor's face when saw watched them kiss. She wasn't worried that anyone could come between her and Sam, people have already tried and they got through all of it and became stronger.

She sighed as she laid her head back against the headrest. She knew how overprotective she was with Sam, and she couldn't help it. It's been like this for years and she always wanted to protect Sam.

She was also worried that Sam was acting impulsive again. She would have never thought Sam would slap Taylor in front of everyone, even though it was in Deena's defensive.

The worst one was that she found Sam walking around Shadyside running from that party, with a bottle of vodka. They did talk about it and Sam said she knew it was a mistake and wasn't going to drink while she was on medication right after surviving cancer. But it still worried Deena.

It felt good to Deena to have Taylor scared of her, hopefully it meant that Taylor wouldn't try anything with Sam again.

She knew the reputation she had in school. She was the few that was out in the whole school, not just her grade.

She's had to deal the blatant homophobia around her, but as the years went by, she dealt with less of it as people just got used to her.

Kate and Simon were the first to know, mostly because they already knew and talked to Deena about it when they saw how much she was struggling with it.

Deena wasn't the one that told Sam.

Sam heard it from Olivia during a cheer practice freshman year. Kate shut Olivia up right away when she made a comment in front of everyone.

But Sam was stunned the moment she heard it and not sure how to react or talk to Deena now that she had to hear something so important from other people that didn't even like Deena. And not Deena telling her after being friends for so long.

After that cheer practice where Olivia basically outed Deena to Sam, Sam said she felt sick and backed out of plans she had that night with Deena, Kate and Simon.

Deena knew something was up. She always had a feeling when Sam was lying. When it was just Simon, Deena and Kate at Deena's house, Kate told Deena that Sam found out from Olivia.

At first, Sam was unsure how to feel about Deena being gay, due to her own internalized homophobia and everything her mom has said about members of the lgbtq community.

She hated the type of people that just went with their parents views and never thought for themselves. Like their parents were always right and all the science and doctors and news were wrong.

But as she thought about it from her own view and didn't just accept her parents view as her own, she wasn't upset because Deena was gay, not for one moment.

She was upset because this was something important about Deena and she kept it from her, but other people knew. They had been friends since they were kids and spent almost everyday together.

Deena felt sick to her stomach when Kate told her about Sam knowing. She knew that was the reason Sam backed out on plans that night.

Deena needed to know if Sam hated her because she found out about her, so the three of them went to Sam's house.

Deena was grateful that she knew Sam's window and the light was on. She did as she saw in the movies and threw rocks at Sam's window.

Sam jumped when she heard the knocks, but she knew who it was right away.

Sam waited a moment to make sure Deena stopped throwing rocks and opened the window.

"Sam, can I please talk to you?" Deena knew that the smartest and safest option was to call Sam on the phone.

But she needed to see her. Not just hear Sam on the phone, she needed to see her face to know for certain what Sam felt.

"Yeah but my mom will flip if you walk in."

"I thought so. I brought a ladder just in case," Deena said as Simon came around the corner with the ladder. Sam couldn't help but laugh at her friends and how dramatic they were being.

She helped Deena in when she made it up the ladder.

"You brought a ladder just to talk to me? We have a thing called phones and pagers, you know." Sam laughed, as she watched Deena go to this length to talk to her, she couldn't be upset at her anymore.

"I really needed to see you, Sam, not just talk to you."

Sam went to sit on the edge of her bed and patted the spot on the bed next to her for Deena to sit.

There was a moment when Deena sat next to Sam, where they could feel the warmth radiating off the other and their breathing got heavier as they couldn't meet the others eyes.

Sam knew exactly why Deena was there. She knew Kate would tell Deena what happened and how stunned Sam was.

She couldn't let herself think what it meant between them now that Deena had come out. And Sam knew for certain that there was something more between them.

Sam swallowed hard and turned away, breaking the heavy, silent moment between them.

"Deena I'm not mad at you. I'm never mad at you. I just wish it wasn't Olivia that told me. I wish it was you."

Deena's breath hitched in her throat when Sam turned away, bringing her focus on what she was there for.

"I'm sorry. I don't know, I just felt like you're the scariest one to tell, because I really don't want to lose you and disappoint you, Sam." Deena was worried about losing. The biggest reason she came out was because she knew how intensely in love she was with Sam and everyone around her knew it, except Sam.

Sam hugged Deena right then, kissing Deena's cheek as she wrapped her arms around Deena.

Deena's cheek grew hot where Sam just had her lips on. And Deena desperately hoped Sam wouldn't notice.

"Deena you're my best friend. You'll never lose me. We will always be friends and grow old together and live by each other, I know it."

Deena wanted to scream the moment Sam called Deena her friend. She could tell that Sam was trying to convince herself that they were just friends.