it's you, it's always been you

chapter 59

"Sam, I keep replaying you running towards Caleb in my head. Please don't go after people with guns anymore." Deena spoke as she sat on the edge of Sam's hospital bed.

"Fine, I won't. But you're welcome by the way. You know, for saving your life and all." Sam smirked while she reached for Deena's hand.

"Oh my God," Deena rolled her eyes and gave Sam her hand, "thank you, Samantha Hannah Fraser. You're my knight in shining armor."

"Fuck yes I am, and don't you forget it," Sam said playfully before pulling Deena closer so she could kiss her.

Deena leaned in to kiss Sam, putting her free hand in the side of Sam's face.

Deena broke the kiss to leave one on Sam's forehead.

"Sam, I love you so much. And I would've done the same for you. I know that. But I want to talk about something, you remember when we arguing in the hallway before you went with Olivia?"

Sam looked down at their hands. She had a feeling what Deena was going to say. She regretted telling Deena about how she wanted the cancer to take her. She knew Deena would want to talk about it at some point.

"You said... that you wanted the cancer to take you. That you only went through all of the pain and chemo for me,"

Deena paused, she knew this was a difficult conversation she was going to have with Sam. She hasn't sure Sam would even talk about it or she thought that Sam would try to lie and say she only said that because she was angry and hurt.

"Is that true? You wanted the cancer to take you, that you completely gave up and only stay alive for me?" The words were difficult to say, and even saddened Deena to say.

But she couldn't hold the conversation back any longer. Sam did go after Caleb, and she put herself in the line of fire of a gun. It was reckless and impulsive and she did do it for Deena, but it still terrified Deena that Sam acted so carelessly with her life.

"Deena, I'm sorry I said that. I was mad and hurt by the whole Caleb thing and you." Sam's eyes still didn't meet Deena's as she spoke.

"You don't just say that in the moment. Sam, I think you meant it. That you would rather die than fight against the cancer. But you did it for me." Deena leaned her head down towards where Sam was looking to try to get Sam to look at her.

Sam sighed, she wanted to just take the easiest option and tell Deena she didn't mean it and just said it. But she also didn't want to lie to her.

"It was true. I did feel like that. You know I didn't want to do chemo, I literally escaped to not do it. You were what I was living for during it. I wasn't fighting for me, I was fighting for you," tears welled up in Sam's eyes as she spoke.

She's never told anyone her honest feelings about this, and she hated it because of how it was going to upset Deena.

Deena leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Sam, she felt awful for Sam. But at the same time she know how hard it was for Sam to be that open with her feelings.

Deena held Sam as she cried on her shoulder, her hand rubbing up and down Sam's back, being careful to not hug too tightly.

She was also proud of Sam to be honest with her feelings and not covering them up with a fake smile.

It terrified Deena to hear Sam's feelings about wanting the cancer to take her. She's been so close to losing Sam before.

It would absolutely devastate her to lose Sam, she wasn't sure if she would even survive that heartbreak.

Deena pulled back from Sam, so she could hold Sam's face in her hands and have Sam look at her.

"Sam, I love you so much. More than anything. I'm sorry you had to go through that. The chemo, the pain, everything." Deena brushed back some of Sam's hair behind her ears.

"We are going to make it through this. Through everything that happens in Shadyside. No matter how hard it is, it's you and me. It's always going to be you and me. You and we are the way out. We have a blue house waiting for us." Deena spoke, her forehead leaning towards Sam to rest on hers.