it's you, it's always been you

chapter 36

"She told me to give this to you if something happened."

He handed her a letter with Deena's name written in Sam's hand writing. Her mind took her back to when Sam tried to talk about if something happened to her.

She walked to the side of Sam's bed, leaning in to place a kiss on her forehead, her lips lingering there for a moment before sitting on the edge of her bed.

Deena opened the letter, looking up at Sam for a moment before reading it.

"Dear Deena,

I regret not kissing you sooner. Before you, when I would kiss a boy, I felt nothing. I thought I felt all I was ever going to feel. That I had to settle for this life my mom wanted. That I had to let boys kiss me and I would feel nothing.

Then I kissed you. I kissed you and the world shook. I kissed you and I knew then that there was so much more to feel. I kissed you and I felt this warmth in my chest where there used to be a void.

I'm sorry I didn't kiss you sooner. I'm sorry that you have to read this.

You have loved me when I didn't deserve it. You have loved me when no one else did. You have loved me when I hated myself. You have loved me.

I never felt love before you. I never felt at home before you. I never felt what a family was before you. I never loved anyone before you.

I'm in love with you, I have been for years and I've been afraid for so long to feel it. To feel how in love with you I am. I was scared and I wish I kissed you sooner.

You told me that you wanted to give me the white picket fence, a dog, maybe a kid. You wanted to give me a family that loved each other unconditionally. I wanted so desperately to give that to you also. I wanted a blue house with you. I wanted to bake those cinnamon rolls your mom made that you loved so much every morning for you. I wanted to argue with you over the color of paint for the living room. I wanted to marry you. You have no idea how perfect that sounds to me. I thought about this while I received chemo, everyday I thought of this.

There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of you since I met you in my blue raincoat. Even as a kid I know you were going to be important to me.

You have been the most important person in my life. You have saved me also, Deena. I can never tell you enough how grateful I am to have met you. I love you with my entire body, soul and being.

I give you the permission to move on from me. You deserve that future, with a white picket fence, with a dog, with a child, with a wife. But the house can't be blue. You deserve love again after me. You deserve all the good in the world.

Wherever I go, wherever I am, I love you. I will miss you. I miss you.  

Deena, it's you, it's always been you.

Love Always,
Your Sam."