it's you, it's always been you

chapter 6

The harsh bright light from the fluorescent lights above her bed kept Sam from falling asleep. Her parents were talking to the doctors and Sam didn't care enough in the moment to listen to what happened to her and why she was puking blood again after they said the medicine was supposed to treat it.

Sam closed her eyes, the events of the day before running through her mind over and over. She has been at the hospital for a day so far, running more and more tests that only gives her bad news and she was sick of hearing it.

She didn't care want the doctors said, all she wanted to do was to go to Deena's house and beg her to talk to her. That's the only thought that brought her hope as she laid in the hospital bed.

Deena didn't go to school Monday, Kate and Simon didn't either. The three stayed together. They drove around for hours at night, listening to Deena's favorite mixtapes. They even toilet papered someone's house in Sunnyvale, anything to take Deena's mind off of Sam. And it worked for a few minutes through out the day. But at school the next two days, Sam's absence felt heavy and there was a void between the three of them as they tried to ignore Sam's name at all.

Kate felt awful lying to Simon when he asked about Sam. She even caught Deena staring at the seat Sam would always sit next to her at. It had been a week and there was still no sign of Sam at school. But Kate went to the hospital everyday to visit Sam and bring her homework.

Her heart aches everyday she visited Sam, it seemed like she got weaker and weaker as the days went by. And everyday Sam asked about Deena.

Deena even looked more rough as the week went by without Sam.

It was Saturday morning, when Kate visited Sam and brought her strawberry jello she knew Sam liked. But as she was helping Sam with a problem from their calculus class, Sam suddenly started having a seizure, which caused Kate to call out to the doctors and nurses and they all rushed in.

It was time to tell Deena. And that's exactly where she went after Sam was okay and calm.

Kate pulled back the blanket on Deena which caused her to sit up on her bed. "I'm going to kill you," she rolled her eyes when she saw it was just Kate.

"Deena, I know how much it hurt you when Sam said yes to Caleb. But fuck him, she did that for her mom, you know it." Kate reached down under Deena's bed and took her notebook and threw it on Deena's lap. "You still feel this way about her, all these letters you wrote for her. You can't throw that away because Sam was a coward."

Deena's jaw dropped when Kate grabbed her notebook, she thought no one knew about it. "What the fuck? How did you know about that?"

Kate ignored Deena's question, "Get up. You need to come with me."

Deena knew better than to defy Kates orders. She followed suit and put her notebook under the bed.

"What are we doing here? Are you trying to commit me or something?" Deena asked as they parked in the hospital parking lot.

Kate sighed, she knew that Deena would be furious at both Sam and her when she found out. And that she would break her promise to Sam, but what happened with Sam today terrified her and she couldn't keep up the act anymore.

"Deena, please stay calm as I tell you this. I lied when I said I don't know where Sam is all week. Last friday after everything happened in the lunchroom and with you and her, she puked up blood in the bathroom and the nurse sent her to the hospital. She's been here ever since." Deena's anger washed away and was replaced with worry written all across her face. She was still hurt by Sam, but she still loved her.

"Sam asked me to keep it a secret from everyone, especially after what happened between both of you. But fuck Caleb. She's still your Sam. And she has cancer, Deena. And she got really sick earlier today when I visited her, but you deserve to know this. I don't know if she will get better, but she needs you. And you need her."

Tears threatened to fall from Deena's eyes once Kate told her the truth about Sam. "Sam.." Deena whispered to herself as she looked back to the building where Sam was.

They both got out of the car and Kate led her to Sam's room. Thankfully, Sam's parents weren't there. "I'll be in the hall, it will be okay Deena." Kate tried to reassure her. She honestly had no idea how the conversation between Deena and Sam would go, but it needed to happen.

Deena slowly walked into Sam's room, standing at the doorway for a moment. Sam was looking down at her lap, reading a book.

Her heart aching at the sight of Sam in the hospital bed. A tear fell down Deena's cheek. She was angry that Sam kept this from her and she was angry that she spent the last week not knowing she was in the hospital. But overall, she was concerned the most for Sam.

Losing her to Caleb was entirely different than really losing Sam.

"S-Sam," Deena spoke softly as she walked closer to Sam on the hospital bed.

Sam's eyes shot immediately up to Deena when she heard Deena's voice.

"Deena," Sam whispered, at first she was disappointed in Kate for telling her secret, but being close to Deena again made it worth it.

"I'm so sorry Deena. I'm so sorry, I regretted as soon as I said it." Sam tried to explain, she pictured this moment where she would talk to Deena and explain what went through her mind in the moment she said yes.

Deena sat right next to Sam's bed, moving the chair next to the bed.

"No, Sam, it's okay. I'm sorry too, I'm so sorry you're hurting. I didn't know. Kate just told me a few minutes ago." Deena's tears started falling freely down her cheeks. She laid her hand on top on Sam's.

"I'm going to be okay, Deena. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I thought I could handle it and then tell you when I got better so you wouldn't worry." Sam explained, leaning in close to Deena to wipe her tears away with her free hand. "I missed you so much. It hurts to be without you."

Deena leaned into Sam's hand on her face and closed her eyes. So much has changed in the last two weeks, she was terrified of what could happen next. It was Shadyside after all, and she knew the curse of Sarah Fier still held its grip on all of Shadyside, but Deena was going to do everything she could to help Sam.