it's you, it's always been you

"what if.."

Deena took a deep breath. She's thought about this moment everyday for the past three years. And she still wasn't sure what she could say to get Sam to not hate her.

"Why am I here Deena?" Sam crossed her arms. She was already annoyed over the whole situation.

"Sam. There are so many things I need to say. And want to say. I regret breaking up with you right after I did it. I've regretted it since. Everyday since. I know I hurt you. I'm so sorry and I would do anything, anything to take that back." Deena swallowed hard as she continued.

"I hurt you and I saw the pain you felt yesterday and I hate myself so fucking much for hurting you. There hasn't been an hour that went by where I didn't think of you. I work as a waitress where we always got our cheeseburgers. Only because it makes me feel closer to you." Deena paused, she felt the tears that would start falling at any moment.

"There's this huge part of me that has been gone and empty since I broke up with you. I thought I was doing what's best. To push you away so you stayed in New York. But I didn't. I made everything so much worse. You have every right to hate me. You can even punch me if you want. Anything."

The tears fell freely now down Deena's cheek. And Sam had to tear her eyes away from Deena to stop from crying too.

"Sam I am so sorry. I can't say it enough how sorry I am. I would do anything to make you not hate me. I love you. I'm still in love with you. I've never stopped since I met you and I never will stop. I know I fucked up so badly. And I don't even deserve to be able to talk to you right now. I am so sorry Sam. I hurt you. I broke my heart also when I broke up with you. I'm so sorry, Sam. I love you and I'll never stop. My love for you is the biggest and best part of me. It's you, Sam. It's always been you." Deena set her notebooks down on the counter so she could wipe both of her eyes from the tears.

Sam stared at her shoes. Her jaw was clenched as she thought about the pain Deena caused her for the past three years.

"Why didn't you visit Deena? Why didn't you even fucking call? I waited for you. I begged God for you to just call me. And you just dumped me and threw me away. Do you know what that is like? To have the person you love most in the world and who you thought loves you, to have them just throw you away one day? And never talked to them again. Until now three years later. Do you know how broken you made me? You fucking shattered me completely. I haven't been the same since."

Sam looked up towards the ceiling and bit her lip. Trying so hard not to cry in front of Deena.

Deena's heart broke as Sam told her how bad it got for her after Deena broke up with her. She wanted so badly to reach out to Sam. To hold her, tight enough that maybe she could put pieces of her back together.

"Sam I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.... I-I did call you once. About seven months after we broke up.... your mom answered and told me not to call again. Then she changed the phone number."

"Wow, you called  once months and months after it happened.... She never told me that you did. And I didn't know for awhile that she changed our phone number."

Sam wanted so badly to scream at Deena in this moment. But after Deena spoke, she couldn't do it.

"I should've done more. I should've gone to New York and fight for you, for us. I became this coward. I lost all the strength in me when I lost you. I knew you were hurt and hated me. So I stayed in Shadyside and worked and took care of my dad. And thought about you nonstop. I should've done more. I'm so sorry Sam. I'm so sorry."

"Why are you wearing that ring? You dumped me."

"I haven't taken it off since the day you put it on my finger."