it's you, it's always been you

chapter 5

TW: light drug use

"Holy shit, Sam," Kate was standing behind Sam who was hunched over the toilet bowl. "Did you just throw up all that fucking blood?"

Sam leaned back onto the floor, taking the paper towels Kate handed her and wiped her face off.

Her fingers were shaking, her whole body felt exhausted just by the last ten minutes. "Yeah.. I have been for the past few days, but I thought the medicine made it better," Sam rose to her feet, flushing the toilet which made her feel nauseous again.

"Sam, that's fucked up. You don't throw up blood unless somethings really messed up," Kate followed Sam as she washed her face and hands at the sinks.

"Don't tell Deena about it. Or anyone, please. Only my parents know. Deena won't even care now if she knew. She said she never wanted to see me again," tears started to fall from Sam's eyes when she spoke Deena's name.

Kate wrapped her arms around Sam, and let Sam cry into her shoulder.

"That was a fucked up thing to do. We all know who Deena feels about you. You've been oblivious about it for so long, and then you kissed her. And then that just happened at lunch." Kate wanted to yell at Sam, scorn her for being so careless with Deena's feelings. But she held back because Sam was just puking up blood and it scared the shit out of Kate. "Sam, what's going on with you? Not about Deena. We can take care of that later. But somethings wrong.. no matter what's happening between you and Deena, I am your friend also."

Sam wasn't planning on telling anyone besides her parents. She thought that she could handle it and then when she got better, she would tell them. But it was too late to keep Kate away from the truth after what she just saw. Sam let go of Kate and leaned on the sink for balance.

"I'm sick. It's leukemia, it's cancer. I thought I could get treated and then tell you guys when it was better so you wouldn't worry, but it's not getting better." Sam's emotions were all over the place in this moment. Anger that she felt towards herself for hurting Deena and then concern because she was puking up blood again. But also anxiety because she had to tell Kate the truth. "I'm okay, I just have to go to the doctor again and it will be okay." Sam lied, she wasn't okay. There wasn't a cure for cancer and how far along Sam's cancer was, no one could promise her a hopeful outcome.

Kate's hands covered her mouth as Sam told her. When Sam was finished she nearly knocked Sam over as she hugged the blonde girl. "I'm so sorry, I won't tell them. It's your story to tell. But Deena at least deserves to know soon Sam. I won't yell at you about hurting Deena right now. You are already suffering enough right now. But you're coming with me to the nurse right now." Kate led Sam to the front office, and took control as she always did, and told the nurse what happened and how she needed to call the ambulance right this moment. The nurse looked at Kate and honestly looked scared as Kate spoke, but Kate can have that affect on people when she wants something.

The whole ride to the hospital, all Sam could think about was Deena. The look on Deena's face when she said she never wanted to see her again, burned into Sam's memory and it broke her heart even more every time she thought of it.

Deena waited at Simon's house until he got out from school. The moment of Sam saying that she loved her kept replaying in her head. It only made her want whatever drug Simon was willing to sell to her.

"Deena! I was looking for you all over after lunch!" Simon yelled when he got out of his car. "Are you okay?"

"No I'm not and I won't be unless you help me." Deena was cold and stoic as she spoke to Simon. "Give me whatever to make me stop think about.. her." She couldn't bring herself to say her name. Simon nodded, he was angry at Sam that it got this far that Deena was coming to him for drugs. But he wanted to help one of his best friends, and it was obvious how much Deena was hurting.

"Okay.. but we have to go to your house. I can't here. And you're not getting a bunch, only a small amount and don't even try to fight it. I'm only doing this once." He followed Deena to her house, where Kate was waiting at the front door for them.

"Kate she wants to have some candy.. only blueberries, one pill I promised her." Kate hugged Deena the moment she saw her, and it was obvious how broken Deena was to her even though Deena was acting cold and distant.

"Okay.. just this once and you're staying home tonight." Kate said as she led Deena into her house.

Deena didn't care at all about the football game and being in the band tonight. She knew she would see Sam and that was enough reason to make her quit band.

Deena hadn't said anything to either Simon or Kate until they handed her the pill. She took it right away, and leaned back on the couch.

Kate kept her eyes on Deena, but kept thinking about Sam being in the hospital right now. It felt so wrong to keep it from Deena, she knew how Deena would react if something happened to Sam and it was too late.

Simon and Kate both skipped the football game, neither of them giving it much thought. Deena was more important, and they were going to be there for her and her broken heart as much as they could be.