it's you, it's always been you

chapter 28

"You need to go back to school, Deena." Sam spoke softly, looking up from Deena's shoulder into her eyes. Her fingers trailed across Deena's jaw, to caress her cheek with her thumb.

Just as Sam predicted and feared, she was exhausted all the time. She was out of it, and it even hurt to move and walk short distances.

She saw herself in Deena's eyes, how Deena was sad and in pain just by watching her get more chemotherapy and it taking away parts of Sam.

She laid in bed, then in a wheelchair on her way to get tests and chemo done. She saw the faces of the people she loved around her, how sad they looked whenever they looked at her.

That's what was most painful to her, not the puking, not the pain from just moving around, not the dizziness or exhaustion. She is growing used to all of it.

But the way people started looking at her. They were scared; they were sad; they felt sorry for her; they were hurt by her cancer also.

"I'm not leaving you. School doesn't matter compared to you. I can't lose you. I love you so much Sam. You're all that matters. It's fine really, I'll go when you're done with chemo." Deena turned to face Sam as they laid in her bed, wrapped in each other's arms.

"Deena, all I do is sleep anymore. I'm well aware of how I look to everyone. All I will do is sleep while you're at school. Then you can visit me. You need to really, D." She kissed Deena's cheek, then tucked her head back between Deena's neck and shoulder.

"Please, Deena. I'm going to be okay. Please, do this one thing for me? I love you and I'll be here waiting for you after school." Sam felt a tear fall from her eye, wiping it off before she hoped Deena could see it.

Deena cried still, no matter how many days went by, no matter how many times they did the exact same thing everyday, she still cried for Sam, but she wouldn't do it in front of Sam, she hid off in the bathroom or when Sam was asleep.

Simon, Kate, Josh and Sam's dad visited almost everyday too. Sam's dad was twice a day. If Sam had a bad day he would sleep over also.

They brought gifts for Sam everyday. Everything they brought, no matter how small it was, made Sam smile. Sam forced herself to stay awake as long as she could when they would visit.

But she barely made it through an hour without falling asleep. Every time Kate or Simon left, they made sure to tell Sam how much they loved her.

Deena and Sam's dad talked more, but they also got to be comfortable in silence together as they sat in Sam's room as she slept.

Deena sighed, leaning her head onto the top of Sam's. "Okay, I will start going back, but I can still have days where I stay here instead of going. But I will do it for you. I love you too, and I'll be here right after school is over." She gave in, she would always give into Sam.

Sam had something on her mind she wanted to tell Deena since the moment the chemo affected her hair, her blonde thinned out as a side effect. The moment she noticed, she had something she needed to tell Deena.

She moved back in bed, lifting her head up to look straight into Deena's eyes. Her hand rested on the base off Deena's neck, at her collarbone, where for could feel Deena's heartbeat.

"Deena, I've been thinking about this a lot. Well, all the time really. I understand it now." Sam swallowed hard as she felt the tears in her eyes, but continued. "If something happens to me.."

Sam couldn't finish it, Deena cut her off right away. "No, no, Sam don't. Sam. Don't do that. We are not doing that. Nothing is going to happen to take you away, okay? Nothing. You can't do that, you can't. Sam, you're not going anywhere." Deena leaned up on her elbow to hold Sam's face, both of them now crying.

She wouldn't let Sam finish. She wasn't going to hear it because it was never going to happen. It couldn't. She prayed every night for Sam, she prayed and begged to God to let her keep this one thing. The one thing that ever mattered to her.

She couldn't leave, there was so much left to do and see and Deena promised to give Sam a future, a future where they had a white picket fence, a dog, a son or daughter. A future where they were married. A future where Deena could bring Sam breakfast in bed, by breakfast, she meant food she bought and not cooked so it would be edible to Sam.