it's you, it's always been you

chapter 37

"Dear Deena,

I regret not kissing you sooner. Before you, when I would kiss a boy, I felt nothing. I thought I felt all I was ever going to feel. That I had to settle for this life my mom wanted. That I had to let boys kiss me and I would feel nothing.

Then I kissed you. I kissed you and the world shook. I kissed you and I knew then that there was so much more to feel. I kissed you and I felt this warmth in my chest where there used to be a void.

I'm sorry I didn't kiss you sooner. I'm sorry that you have to read this.

You have loved me when I didn't deserve it. You have loved me when no one else did. You have loved me when I hated myself. You have loved me.

I never felt love before you. I never felt at home before you. I never felt what a family was before you. I never loved anyone before you.

I'm in love with you, I have been for years and I've been afraid for so long to feel it. To feel how in love with you I am. I was scared and I wish I kissed you sooner.

You told me that you wanted to give me the white picket fence, a dog, maybe a kid. You wanted to give me a family that loved each other unconditionally. I wanted so desperately to give that to you also. I wanted a blue house with you. I wanted to bake those cinnamon rolls your mom made that you loved so much every morning for you. I wanted to argue with you over the color of paint for the living room. I wanted to marry you. You have no idea how perfect that sounds to me. I thought about this while I received chemo, everyday I thought of this.

There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of you since I met you in my blue raincoat. Even as a kid I know you were going to be important to me.

You have been the most important person in my life. You have saved me also, Deena. I can never tell you enough how grateful I am to have met you. I love you with my entire body, soul and being.

I give you the permission to move on from me. You deserve that future, with a white picket fence, with a dog, with a child, with a wife. But the house can't be blue. You deserve love again after me. You deserve all the good in the world.

Wherever I go, wherever I am, I love you. I will miss you. I miss you.

Deena, it's you, it's always been you.

Love Always,
Your Sam."

Deena held onto the letter so tight, it almost tore beneath her fingers. Tears freely fell, Deena didn't even notice that they did. She brought the letter to her chest and held it tight.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," she closed her eyes and spoke out loud.

She opened her eyes, Sam's words meant everything to her. She felt the love Sam had for her in this moment as she looked up at Sam laying in her hospital bed.

Deena gasped when she saw blue.

Sam's blue eyes looking right back at her.

"Sam!" Deena yelled and hugged her tightly before pulling back to look Sam in the face again, she was in complete shock. Her face went to both sides of Sam's holding it as Sam looked up at Deena.

"Sam! I can't- I can't believe- Sam.. I love you so fucking much." Deena kissed Sam with all the energy she had.

"Ouch," Sam mumbled against Deena's lips, Deena pulled back, remembering that Sam just had surgery and was in pain.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Sam... you have no idea...how are you feeling? I need to get a doctor, but you're alive right?" Deena said, frantically looking Sam over, wanting to pinch herself that this was even happening.

"Oof... yes, I'm alive, my side hurts a lot. I love you too, please, yes, a doctor." Sam held her hand at her side, her eyebrows knitted together as she was in pain.

Deena kissed Sam quickly then running out into the hallway and going to the desk. "She's alive! She's awake! She's awake! She's hurt and in pain. Sam! Sam's awake!" Deena was yelling, not thinking at all besides the fact that Sam was awake and talking.

Deena followed a doctor back to Sam's room, Sam was still awake and holding her side.

The doctor called out for medicine for Sam and looked at Sam's side where she had surgery. He said that her temperature as down to a low fever and her heart beat was growing stronger.

Deena was right next to Sam, holding her hand. She wasn't letting Sam out of her sight for a single moment.