it's you, it's always been you

chapter 34

Nausea hit Deena the moment the doors opened.

"Mr. Fraser I need you to sit down." The doctor spoke, "I need you all to sit down."

Deena, Sam's dad, Deena's dad, Josh, Kate, and Simon all followed the doctors instructions. They sat down in front of the doctor as he stood.

"She's in the ICU right now. When we removed about 90% of her spleen, she developed a high temperature of 104. He quickly removed the rest as the fever grew to 106. This is one of the risks with surgery, so it is not uncommon and the fever can break. Her temperature is now 107, but we gave her medicine the moment she got to her room to combat the fever. She's in critical condition, but she can be treated, it's only a matter of time at this point. We can only wait and give her the medicine to break the fever and prevent infection." The doctor spoke with a somber tone and his face looked defeated.

Deena's entire body was trembling as he spoke. The surgery was over, but it wasn't over for Sam.

Deena needed hold Sam. She needed to talk to Sam, she needed to hold her hand and she needed Sam to kiss her hand like she has everyday since she's been in the hospital.

"When can we see her?" Sam's dad asked, Deena needed to know too, but couldn't speak.

"Usually only family is allowed and only a couple can at a time, I suggest no more than 2. But she has to rest."

Deena was going to protest the doctor but he looked at her and continued to speak.

"I am telling the ICU floor to allow you in, but only you. No more than two, she really needs rest. She will be much weaker than before. She doesn't have an immune system right now."

The doctor left and Deena ignored everyone and headed to Sam's room, it took two nurses to stop Deena from going in. Then Deena yelled at them to call the doctor, and they did, standing to the side to let her through.

Sam looked the weakest and the smallest she's been before as she laid on the hospital bed. She was asleep, with an IV on her, and an oxygen cord to her nose. There were beeps on machines next to her, measuring her heart beat and her temperature.

Deena went to Sam's side, looking over her and gently laying her hand on Sam's. Her face was more pale and white than usual. She didn't know the exact number of pounds Sam lost, but she knew it was significant compared to the amount of time she lost it in.

She stood there, watching Sam. Sam didn't move, she could only see Sam's chest slowly raising and falling.

Sam looked so fragile to her. As if one bump would cause her to crumble.

Deena wasn't going anywhere. Fuck school, fuck other students that acted like they cared. Fuck Sam's mom that made everything worse.

If Sam's mom ever tried to visit Sam now, Deena wouldn't let her even into the room. She's never gotten physical with anyone, except Caleb who deserved it, but she would stop at nothing to protect Sam from her mom.

Sam's dad and Deena stayed at Sam's side. They slept on both sides of her bed and didn't leave to eat or anything unless the other would stay there.

Sam's dad took work off, something Deena was certain he's never done before.

Sams temperature barely shifted. She would go down to 104, only to go back up to 106. She stayed this way for days, she never woke up either.

The doctor kept telling them that this could happen and it takes time. But they gave Sam more medicines, more often. Their faces looked disappointed and defeated every time they came in to look at Sam's vitals.

It's been an exact week since Sam's operation. She hasn't woke up. Her temperature stayed at a constant 104 for the last 24 hour hours. Deena didn't know much about medicine before Sam stayed in the hospital, but she knew any temperature over 100 was not good.

Sam's oxygen levels went down dramatically, her heart rate slowed to only the average of 20 beats per minute. It wasn't good, and the doctors finally broke the news to them.

"Her body can't keep up with the white blood cells count that it needs to. Her body is rejecting the medicine for break the fever. She's declining because of the cancer cells destroying her systems defenses. I'm sorry, we can only wait. A hospice doctor will be in to talk about pain options to give Samantha."

Deena physically felt her heart break after the doctor finished speaking. She was enraged at first, she wanted break something, anything. She was angry with the doctors and nurses and Sam's mom and Caleb. Then she was broken and so sad and hurt. She was list, knowing now that Sam would be taken from them soon.

The doctors left the room, saying how sorry they were again. Sam's dad started crying, harder than she's ever seen before, he mumbled that he would be back and left.

Deena sat on the edge of the bed and brought her forehead to rest on Sam's. She knew Sam was in pain, and Sam was fighting with everything she can. She knew that Sam couldn't hear her before she had to try.

"Sam......Sam......Sam..... I love you. Fuck, I love you you so much more than anyone who has said it before ever. I-I don't know.... How to say this. I don't want to..... Sam, you've saved me. You rescued me. You've loved me. You've made me a better person. Every second with you as made me the happiest a person could ever be. I'm so sorry this happened. I'm so sorry I couldn't do more." Deena tears fell onto Sam's cheeks. Her voice cracked and her whole body was quivering and on the verge of collapsing with how weak she was.

"I know how much pain you're in. I know how much pain you've been in. You didn't deserve the family you had, not for one single moment. You deserved so much more happiness. You deserved so many more laughs and so many more times to lay on the roof with me and listen to the Pixies. You're in so much pain, Sam. I see it. You weren't treated like you deserved. I love you and you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I don't want you to be in pain anymore Sam. I understand that now, I was selfish to keep you here while you hurt so much everyday." Deena cried harder and harder and more tears fell on to Sam's cheeks.

"You can go, Sam. We will be okay. You don't have to hurt anymore. I love you. We love you, I will miss you with my entire soul. I love you so fucking much Sam. I'll never let go of you." Deena fell into Sam's lap, sobbing now.