it's you, it's always been you

chapter 24

If it was any other day, Sam would be so happy and at peace to wake up in Deena's arms.

Today she starts her chemotherapy treatment, and Sam's already thrown up once with her stomach in knots over how terrified she is.

She didn't tell Deena that she did, she ran to the bathroom as Deena was still asleep. She sat there on the cold floor of the bathroom. Her knees brought to her chest and her arms around them.

She ran out of tears from the day before, how hard she cried in Deena's car when she was just trying to eat a cheeseburger with her girlfriend. The last time she will for awhile.

Deena brought Sam's schoolwork with them as they followed the doctor to the room Sam was going to get treated in.

Sam's dad visited early in the morning like he promised, he went to work after but was going to return later. He also called Sam before they headed down to do her treatment.

Sam didn't talk much as they waited. Deena asked Sam all morning how she was and if she was feeling sick and all Sam would say is that she's fine.

Deena was used to this, Sam being distant about her feelings. Deena knew Sam only did this to make people not worry about her.

But Deena saw through it all. It hurt to see Sam believe that she was a burden. She knew it was because of her mom and Deena hated her mom for everything she has said to Sam.

Deena knew that Sam only told her a small part of what her mom has said and done, and Deena couldn't bring herself to imagine what else Sam went through.

Deena would remind Sam everyday that she wasn't a burden, that she wasn't alone, if that is what it takes to make Sam feel loved.

Deena held Sam's hand as the nurse put the needle to the IV in Sam's arm. Sam gritting her teeth as she felt the needle go in.

Sam closed her eyes as she took deep and long breaths. The medicine entered her bloodstream at that moment, and there was no turning back now.

Deena started talking about one of their assignments in school, trying anything to take Sam's mind off the chemotherapy.

Sam opened her eyes as she listen to Deena speak about what they were learning and the reading they had to do.

Deena paused as Sam pulled Deena's hand to her lips, placing multiple kisses on the back of her hand.

Deena blushed as Sam did so, with a huge smile on her face. She felt herself calm down from the gesture of affection from Sam.

She wasn't nice to a lot of people at school, mostly because they weren't very kind either, but Shadyside could do that to a person.

She didn't talk or be polite to anyone that hasn't Sam, Simon, Kate or her brother. She seemed cold and rude or sometimes even sad, to anyone else in the school.

But when she would sit at lunch with Sam, or stand by Sam at her locker, or sit by Sam in classes, she found herself smiling so much more. She wasn't as cold as she normally was when she was with Sam.

Sam radiated warmth and kindness that even made Deena a better person just to be around her. They seemed like polar opposites to anyone that saw them together, a lot of other students would ask Sam why she was friends with her.

But Sam never hesitated to defend Deena, and she never thought about not hanging out with her anymore just because what other people said.

Deena didn't consider herself romantic at all, until she realized she was in love with Sam. Then she found herself doing everything she could for Sam. Remembering the little details about Sam.

Her favorite food, favorite candy, her favorite color and even Sam's favorite number. She knew how Sam liked her coffee and that was with a lot of French vanilla creamer.

Deena would be with Sam as much as possible, even waiting for her after cheer practice to drive Sam home, so Sam didn't have to walk.

"I love you," Sam whispered to the back of Deena's hand, her eyes closed.

"I love you too," Deena leaned in and kissed Sam, lingering her lips on hers for a moment longer.

Deena helped Sam figure out their calculus homework. But Sam didn't really feel like calculus mattered in the moment, she had cancer and calculus seemed like a waste of time to her.

But she kept listening to Deena, trying out the problems with her. She knew that it helped Deena to do the homework, taking Deena's mind off of the chemotherapy also.

Sam couldn't feel any side effects yet, but the nurse told her it was a low dose for today.

Deena wrapped her arm around Sam's waist as they walked back to Sam's room. She knew that the medicine would start effecting Sam soon after the medicine was finished.

Sam and Deena ate together, both watching TV as they did. But Deena watched Sam eat. Sam was just moving the food around and only taking very small bites of food.

Once they were finished, Deena went to the pay phone to call Sam's dad, she didn't tell Sam that she was doing this.

She asked him to get Sam's favorite food and snacks and candy when he returned to the hospital. There was an awkward silence on the phone for a moment.

Sam's dad had to ask Deena what Sam's favorites all were, which made Deena angry at him but kept it to herself. He did sound ashamed that he had to on the phone.

Deena returned to see Sam sitting up in bed, on the edge of the bed. Sam held out both of her hands and made grabbing gestures with her hands, a playful smile on her face.

Deena beamed a smile back at her and happily gave into her girlfriends request. She stood in between Sam's legs and looked down at her, her hands on both sides of Sam's face.

Sam tugged on the belt loops of Deena's jeans, pulling her as close to her as possible. Deena blushed and smiled even wider as Sam did.

Deena leaned down slightly to kiss Sam, and let out a small gasp against Sam's lips when Sam immediately deepened the kiss. Then Sam's tongue found Deena's and both of them moaned at the contact.

Sam brought her hands under Deena's shirt, running her nails lightly up and down Deena's spine, which made Deena's cheeks turn hot and sent a shiver down her spine.

Sam didn't know how much longer it would be before she started feeling the effects of the medicine, but she going to make the most out of the time she had with her girlfriend.