it's you, it's always been you

chapter 41

just want to say before you read this chapter, thank you for all your support. i truly love all of you and i am grateful for every single view, vote and comment.
if you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness or suicidal ideation, please reach out to someone you love or you can go to this website where you have access to help you deserve.
halfofus.org
this website is amazing and helpful. you can reach out to me anytime if you need someone to talk to. you can dm me here or i have my social media listed in my bio. you deserve to feel better. good things are coming your way. i am grateful that you exist. 💜
————————————————————————

Inhale. Hold it. Exhale. Repeat.

Sam repeated four times as she laid her head back against the cold bathroom wall and closed her eyes. She needed a moment away from everyone. Where she knew no one was looking at her. No one felt sorry for her.

She needed to feel better. She needed to be stronger. She needed to laugh without hurting. She needed to stop making Deena worry about her. She needed to stop making everyone worry about her.

It was over, she was out of the hospital. She could be independent now. She could be her old self again. She could go back to school and laugh with friends and other students. She could go back to being on the cheer squad.

But she hurt, everywhere. Her body felt heavy whenever she moved. Her body felt hallow.

She had to be better, for Deena. That's who this was all for. She didn't want to fight the cancer. She didn't want to receive medicine or chemotherapy. She didn't want to stay in the hospital for two months. She didn't want to get sick everyday. She didn't want to hurt the people she loved whenever they looked at her and watched her get more sick everyday.

She made up her mind the moment the doctor said she needed chemotherapy.

In that moment, she gave up. She knew how sick she was going to be. How much pain she would feel. She knew how people would look at her as she became smaller and smaller.

If it wasn't for Deena fighting with her, she wouldn't have done it. She would have let the cancer take her. She stayed alive for Deena. She got sick everyday. She was in pain everyday. For Deena. She suffered for two months for Deena.

And now she made it. She survived. Deena saved her. She had a future.

But Sam didn't want it. She didn't want a future.

She only kept living for Deena.

Now that she survived. She can't ignore how she felt. How deep down, she wanted the cancer to take her. She couldn't fight anymore.

She was tired. She was so fucking exhausted from surviving. From trying, everyday while her mom tortured her. While her dad wouldn't even look her way. How she felt nothing but let boys touch her anyways.

The only light in all this darkness around her was Deena. So she gave in and survived for Deena.

And now, she had to try to survive again. To fight against her mom and survive all the tragedy around her.

Sam felt the urge to run away again. She promised Deena to bring her if she did. But she was too weak to even move from the bathroom floor.

"Sam?" Deena knocked twice and Sam heard her, but didn't answer. Deena called her name again. She knocked twice again. Deena tried to open the door. "Sam?!"

The worry in her voice made Sam's heart ache. She brought herself up off the floor and smoothed her hair out and looked in the mirror. She saw a ghost of herself.

"I'm okay, just needed a minute. All good. I'm sorry to worry you. But I should lay down." Sam gave the best smile she could to Deena when she opened the door.

"Of course, I'll tell them to leave." Deena said as her eyebrows furrowed as she scanned over Sam. She knew Sam was lying.

"No really, it's okay they can stay. I need to be alone for a minute, please? I'm okay, I swear." Sam knew Deena was going to fight it, but she turned and went into Deena's room without hearing her answer anyways.

This is Sam hiding her feelings. This is Sam being distant and pushing everyone away. Her parents taught her this. The fake smile as she crumbled to the floor and cried.

This has been her life. She learned to be this way since she was a kid. Her father cared now, for only the past two months. What about the last 18 years? She couldn't erase them from her memory. She couldn't fix where it broke her.

Deena didn't listen to Sam, she watched as Sam went to her room without waiting for an answer.

She told everyone that Sam was exhausted and went to sleep, although they all knew something was happening with Sam. They trusted Deena. Deena loved her the most and knew Sam would be alright in her hands.

Deena watched as Simon and Kate drove away, she cleaned up their mess and then decided she couldn't bare it any longer and needed to check on Sam.