it's you, it's always been you

"what if.."

(This is a what if chapter part 1 and the next chapter will be part 2, it's Deena's dream as she's asleep. The events didn't happen in real life. I want to tell you right away before you get confused.)

Deena groaned the second she heard her alarm clock go off. She barely got five hours of sleep after working a double yesterday.

She was a waitress at the restaurant her family and Sam also went to to get cheeseburgers when Sam lived in Shadyside and when her mom was alive.

Every day Deena exhausted herself as she fought with her thoughts, trying desperately to push any thoughts away about Sam.

Deena's dad got injured in an accident at work, and he couldn't work for at least a year as his collarbone and spine suffered severe damage.

Deena stayed with her dad, taking care of her dad and Josh. She was the sole support of the house now and they all depended on her.

Sam and her tried to make it work long distance, as Sam moved to New York with her mom and step dad, going to NYU.

The plan was Sam would come home as much as she could to help Deena and once Deena's dad was better, she would join Sam at NYU.

But Deena's dad only got worse. He was paralyzed from the waist down. They hired a nurse that would come in and help and watch over him, but when Josh and Deena got home, they took care of him.

The accident at work wasn't her dad's fault. Sam's dad helped hire Deena's dad a lawyer and they got a decent settlement that covered the bills and Deena's dad medical bills for a few years at least.

But her dad not being able to work is not why Deena worked as much as she could.

There was a house she found, just outside of Shadyside. It was the same blue that matched Sam's eyes.

She had got approved for a house loan and mortgage. As soon as she did, she bought the house.

The house needed fixed and revamped. Deena didn't want to waste a lot of money on construction workers, so Deena's dad supervised her and helped her plan what to do to fix it.

Simon also stayed in Shadyside after high school. He had a little brother he took care of and a dad that left long ago. So it was just him and his brother. His mom was rarely home.

Simon helped Deena also, he still worked at the grocery store but promoted to manager.

Sam came home every other weekend and every break she got. She stayed with Deena the whole time. She tried multiple times to come back to Shadyside and help Deena full time, but Deena refused to let her.

The last time Sam tried, Deena broke up with her.

Sam had just called Deena to say she taking a break after this semester to help Deena. Deena felt so guilty that she broke up with her. Right on the phone call.

Sam pushed back and fought with Deena to not do it. But Deena was cold and harsh to Sam, trying to get Sam to hate her so it would hurt less.

But the break up nearly destroyed both of them.

Sam never came home after that. She didn't pick up any calls from anyone from Shadyside.

Deena regretted that decision everyday since, but she couldn't work up the courage to call Sam again.

She knew how much she hurt Sam, and she understood if Sam never talked to her again.

After seven months following the break up, Deena was driving, listening to the last mixtape she made Sam, she cried until she got through all the songs.

She wouldn't let Josh or her dad see her cry. She knew how guilty and ashamed her dad was. And she didn't need to worry Josh more than he has.

She parked on the side of the road. She needed to take a break from driving to catch her breath.

She walked down the road for awhile and saw the blue house and immediately imagined Sam next to her. That was their house.

In that moment, she knew that she had to buy that house.

Deena called Sam's apartment she lives with her mom in that night. Her mom answered and said as soon as she heard Deena's voice, "you won't stop until you ruined her life completely. Don't call here again."

Deena called the next night, but the number was disconnected. Sam's mom changed the number.

It's been three years since she broke up with Sam. Deena got the paper from the mailbox, and handed it to her dad.

After Deena went to wake Josh up, her dad called for her to come to the living room.

"Eric Fraser, Sam's dad passed away last night. A drunk driver."

"Holy shit," Deena said as her jaw dropped and starting to be feel sick at the news.

Deena went to her room right after her dad told her. She stood against the door.

She felt so sad for Sam. She knew how much this would hurt her.

But she also realized that this meant Sam would come back to Shadyside, for his funeral.

Deena laid her head back against the door and tried to calm her breathing.

She had missed Sam so much. She longed for her everyday that it hurt her and she felt her heart ache at any thought of Sam.

That's why she chose to work at their restaurant they went to all the time. It was one of the only places she felt closer to Sam.

Everyday for the past three years, Deena wrote a letter for Sam in notebooks. It took seven notebooks to hold all the letters.

She hid it under her bed like she did before. And Kate found them right away when she came home the Christmas break after she broke up with Sam.

She tried to get Sam and Deena back together, but Sam didn't answer any calls from Shadyside beside her dad. And Deena felt too guilty to try to call or visit Sam.

Since Sam was going to be in Shadyside very soon, she went straight to the house. She called Simon and they worked and finished painting and moving furniture in.

She didn't think Sam would even look at her if they ran into each other. But there was still a small chance she could get Sam to look at the house.

And then she hoped Sam would let Deena try to explain everything and tell her how much she missed Sam and still loved her.

Deena was hesitant to decide to go to Sam's dad's funeral. She was certain to see Sam there. But Simon convinced her to go with him last second.

Deena dressed up for the first time in awhile. As she was looking for what to wear, she found the suit she had for prom. She bit her bottom lip to keep from crying.

She couldn't get too emotional when she saw Sam again or she would be able to face her.

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this was inspired by what Deena said to Sam when they were trying to get Sam to overdose. Also it is inspired by the audition video I've watched at least ten times