it's you, it's always been you

chapter 105

Sam finally answered on Deena's fourth call.

"Sam are you okay? What's going on?" The worry in Deena's voice made Sam feel even more guilty.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just asleep." Sam lied.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want to go back to sleep?"

"No, its okay really. I doubt I could fall asleep right now, anyways." It wasn't Deena's fault but Sam was mad at her. She was mad at everyone. It was just the beginning of her time in the hospital by herself while she is sick, but she already felt so alone.

"Are you okay, Sam? You seem really off today. Now and this morning."

"I'm fine. I told you before." Sam sighed and closed her eyes, "I just feel so alone right now. I feel like shit and there's nothing I can do. I know that the doctors said this and they said that, but in this moment, it really fucking sucks. Last time you and my dad were right there with me. You held my hand through it all. Now I have to sit here and be sick and be in pain, while everyone else is fine on their own. It's not your fault. You're doing everything you can Deena. I don't want you to feel bad. But that's why I'm off today."

"Sam, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you're sick and in pain now. I wish I could take it all for you. I'm always here Sam, you're not alone." Deena felt awful that she couldn't really be there for Sam, that Sam had to go through this alone. And there was nothing she could do about it now.

"Yeah, but you're not here. No one is. It's just me and I'm tired of being weak and sick. I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling well. I think I should go." Sam felt herself getting into a bad mood and knew if she talked to Deena any longer she might start a fight that they don't need.

"I'm sorry. Sam, I love you so much. Please call back soon?"

"I will, love you too." Sam didn't wait for a reply and hung up.

Deena went back to her bed and put the sweater on that was one that Sam always wore. All she wanted to do was hold Sam. Instead she held onto the pillow always Sam slept on.

She understood that Sam was feeling alone and hurt. She would be too if it was Deena. But she's watched Sam be strong and get through awful things all her life.

And Deena believed in her, it was going to take awhile but she knew Sam was going to make it out of this. She had to, there wasn't another option to Deena.

Sam longed to speak to Deena more and have Deena near her, but she knew that she was being selfish for being angry at Deena for something that was out of her control.

She curled back into her uncomfortable hospital bed. She wished she had one of Deena's sweaters on. She remembered that she needed to call her dad to bring her stuff and Deena's sweaters instead of the hospital gowns.

It was the weekend and Deena stayed home and laid in bed listening to another mixtape she just made Sam. She tried not to overthink and worry that Sam hasn't called her all day.

Sam told her that she was on Sam's emergency call list if something happens, which brought Deena some comfort.

They way Sam's been talking the past few days scared Deena. How Sam was telling her I love you in case something happens. Then how Sam was yesterday after school, she felt alone and sounded angry and frustrated.

It's been awhile since Sam acted that way with Deena. Before Sam's surgery she tried to talk about what if something happens to her but Deena wouldn't let her finish the conversation.

Sam was sick and hurting and Deena could only do the hardest thing to her, she had to wait and pray that Sam got better.

Deena stayed in her room all day and waited for Sam's call. She read part of a book that Sam left in her room before to try to distract her.

But every thought she had would end up leading her to Sam again.

The sun was about to set and Deena couldn't hold back from calling Sam any longer.

"Sam?" Deena said as soon as the phone was picked up.

"Yes, it's Sam. They just woke me up to make me eat but it's not very edible looking."

"You should eat though. I don't want to nag you but you should." Deena said, relaxing at the sound of Sam's voice.

"I'll try some. Don't worry." Sam wasn't in such a bad mood and wasn't as angry as she was yesterday.

"How are you? I've missed you."

"I'm the same. Not much has changed. Just a higher temperature. But that's normal I guess. How are you?"

"I'm okay. I really just miss you, Sam. I'm sorry you are feeling like this and I can't be there."

"I know. And I'm sorry too. I was in a bad mood yesterday and I was just mad at everyone. It's not your fault. I miss you too. So much. I'd do anything to be in your bed with you right now and straddling your lap like I always do. And yes I'm making that face that will get me in trouble right now." The longer Sam spoke to Deena, the better she felt.

"I understand that. And oh God, Sam, I miss that face no matter how it could get us in trouble. I wish you were here too." Deena smiled as she spoke, hearing Sam joke with her made her feel so much better than just laying in bed.

"I'll call my dad later and he will bring my stuff over and I'll make sure he gets more of your shirts than mine."

A nurse walked in and told Sam that they needed to take her for a breathing treatment.

"I have to go Deena I'm sorry. I'll call you soon, okay? I love you so much."

"It's okay. I love you so much too." Deena said then Sam hung up. Deena sighed, she was barely getting 20 minutes with Sam a day so far and they used to spend almost every moment together before.

When Sam came back to her room after the treatment, her phone rang. She stopped what she was doing and answered the phone, hoping it was Deena.

"Hello?" Sam asked.

"Sam?"

"Who is this?" Sam asked and sat down on the chair next to the phone.

"It's Taylor. Please don't hang up I just need to talk to you."