it's you, it's always been you

chapter 48

Sam placed a hand on Deena's shoulder before she could get out of the car to go into school.

"I'm sorry, that we have to go from touching and kissing all the time, to nothing really at school. I feel so guilty for it. And awful. I just... need time, I"

Deena cut Sam off, seeing that she was struggling to put her emotions into words. "I understand, Sam. You just went through something so difficult and painful and survived. You are allowed to take time to relax and figure things out. I know how your mom will be when she finds out. I love you and like I promised, I'm staying even if we can't kiss or hold hands. I get it."

"I love you too, thank you for that, staying by me and understanding me." Sam looked around the parking lot, not finding anyone near them and quickly kissed Deena before getting out of the car.

They got through the day without seeing Olivia, and Sam was starting to feel better now that she was keeping food down.

It was the end of the school day and Sam was relived she made it through a whole day.

Deena checked on Sam every chance she got. She made sure Sam took her medicine at lunch and ate something.

She made her way to Sam's locker, looking forward to finally be able to kiss Sam when they got home.

As she turned the corner, she saw one of the football players, who was friends with Caleb, standing at Sam's locker. She couldn't see Sam very well from the guy blocking her view.

Deena stepped close enough that she could see Sam's face and how scared she was.

"Aw, come on, you gave it up so easily for Caleb, don't be bitch," he was laughing as he said it, trying to play it off as a joke.

"Fucking leave her alone," Deena ran to Sam as soon as she realized what was going on. She pulled him by his shirt to back him away from Sam.

"Caleb didn't get anything. He tried and got arrested for it." Sam straighten up her shirt as she spat back at him.

"Oh you don't know, he got off with that. His daddy got his charges dropped the week after." He said to Sam before huffing and walking the other way.

Sam looked at Deena and saw the guilt all over Deena's face.

Everyone agreed to keep it from Sam, she had just started chemotherapy and they were afraid how it would effect her as she was already so weak.

"You knew?" Sam questioned Deena with hurt written on her face.

"Sam... you were in the hospital, we didn't want to tell you until you got stronger." Deena moved towards Sam but she backed away from her.

"I can't believe you. Out of everyone you would lie and keep that from me. I deserved to know if he was walking free after what he did to me." Sam shook her head and slammed her locker shut.

"Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that, you were already so weak and in pain." Deena tried again to moved towards Sam, once again Sam stepped back.

"I thought you were in it with me. All this shit. You and me, Deena. All those promises you made. And you keep that from me after all the times you saw me cry because of him. I felt safe knowing he was locked up." Sam felt hot tears threatening to fall, but she was angry and hurt at Deena more than anything.

"Sam please, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I thought it was helping you. He got expelled. Please, Sam. It's still you and me, that will never go away." Deena was so angry at herself for keeping it from Sam and lying to her when Sam talked about it in the hospital. "I'm so sorry Sam. I was trying to protect you."

"I can make my own fucking decisions Deena. I thought you said I was strong. I'm not your fucking child. I trusted you with everything in me. I fucking stayed alive for you! Only you! I didn't want chemo. I didn't want to go to the hospital. I wanted the cancer to take me. But I went through months of pain and suffering for you. So you could feel better." Sam tried so hard not to cry, but it poured out of her just as her feelings did. "I can't do this. I can't."

Deena was stunned by what Sam was saying. She was speechless for a moment after Sam spoke. She had no idea Sam felt that way. How she went through all that pain for her. She felt so guilty and ashamed for lying to Sam.

"Sam, I'm so sorry. I love you. You aren't my child, I know. I should've told you, you're right. You are strong Sam. I'm sorry....I didn't... know you felt that way..you did that for me." Deena pleaded with Sam, tears welling up in her eyes. "I'm so sorry."

Sam shook her head at Deena, biting her bottom lip, trying to stop of crying even harder. She turned to leave, heading down the hallway in the opposite direction of Deena.

Deena started after Sam, but Sam turned around to face her.

"Stop! Stop Deena. I can't do this. I need to be alone, I can't think right now. I need to be away from you." Sam was so hurt by Deena, she never saw this coming. She felt like Deena betrayed her.

"Sam, no. God, Sam I'm so sorry. Please. I'm so sorry. Where are you going?" Deena was begging Sam, she knew now how badly she hurt her.

"I don't know. Away from you." Sam turned around to start walking out the door, towards the parking lot.

"Sam, are you okay?" Olivia asked as she turned to see Sam crying as she stood by her car.

"Stay away from her," Deena almost yelled as she caught up with Sam.

"No I'm not, can I go with you?" Sam asked, ignoring Deena from behind her.

"Sam no, you can't." Deena said, afraid what would happen if Sam left with her.

"Of course, let's go." Olivia got in her car and started it.

"Sam, please don't do this. I'm so sorry," Deena tried to plead with Sam again but Sam ignored her and got into Olivia's car.

Deena felt helpless as she watched Olivia drive off with Sam.