it's you, it's always been you

chapter 42

Deena finished cleaning up the confetti her friends and brother threw when Sam walked in the door. She was still relived and more calm now that Sam was here and cancer free.

But she was worried. She was more than worried, she was fucking terrified. She watched as the person she loved most was close to being taken away. Now, Sam was alive and awake and in her house.

Even Deena knew better than to believe it was over. The pain was still in Sam. Deena knew Sam would hurt all over her body. She asked the doctors every single question she could think of that Sam could go through now that her spleen was removed. They reminded her the cancer could come back.

Deena knock on her bedroom door, this was a small piece of her that was worried Sam ran away again. But when Sam ran away from the hospital, she ran to Deena's room. Where she thought Deena was, and that brought her some sense of hope that Sam wouldn't leave again.

She walked in. Sam was on the bed, facing the wall so Deena could see her back. Sam's shirt was pulled up some, and as Deena got closer, she could see Sam's ribs and spine stick out so much more than it was two months ago. She knew Sam lost weight, but she didn't realized how bad it was until now.

Deena reached out and gently touched Sam's back, causing Sam to flinch and turn quickly towards Deena.

"Sam.." Deena whispered. Sam couldn't hide the tears on her cheeks fast enough before Deena could see them.

Deena slid into bed, facing Sam. She reached up to Sam's face to tuck a few hairs behind Sam's ear.

"Sam, what's going on? Please don't lie to me. Please." She pleaded with Sam and Sam turned for face away when she spoke.

"Nothing.. I mean, I am trying so hard. To.." Sam let out a sigh as she tried to gather her thoughts in a way that she could tell Deena to make her worry less.

"I'm just, everything hurts. I'm trying but everything hurts. I want to be better but I can't keep anything down. And all I feel is pain. It just hurts everywhere Deena. Everywhere. My heart too." Sam was being the most honest she could be with Deena. She always felt the urge to lie about her feelings. To be less of a burden. To take up less space. But she knew Deena wouldn't let her get away with it. Deena would push and fight and be the strength Sam needed.

"I'm so sorry Sam. I'm so sorry. It's going to get better. It is, I know it. The doctors told us. It will get better. I know it hurts, but I won't stop until you get better and aren't in pain." Deena felt tears well up in her eyes the moment Sam said her heart hurt too.

Sam squeezed her eyes shut and let herself melt into Deena's body. "I'm sorry too, that you have to deal with me. That you have to check on me and worry about me. I'm not used to being loved. I'm trying though, for you. I'm really trying the hardest I can Deena. I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you." Sam let out a sigh when she finished speaking. It was the truth. She didn't know what to do now that someone was caring for her. She practically had to raise herself, with having emotionally neglected and abusive parents.

"Deena propped herself onto her elbows, taking Sam's face into her hands so she was looking straight into Deena's eyes. Sam's words hurt her too. She was hurting because Sam hurt. She was so angry with Sam's parents for how they treated her and raised her. She saw it with her own eyes at times. Although her dad is trying now, it still effects Sam how he used to be.

"I know you think you are a burden. That you don't deserve love. Your parents failed you and they didn't treat you close to what they should've and what you deserve. I know that." Deena willed a tear away from Sam's cheek that fell.

"And I know your dad is trying now but that doesn't make up for all those years. You aren't a burden. Not for a single fucking second, Sam. No matter what you do or say I am still going to love you with my entire soul. You can try but you can't push me away. I'm not letting you go. I'm helping you until you are a lot stronger. I don't care what you say to stop me and try to stop me from worrying. I'm doing it Sam. I love you so much. You are everything to me and you will always be what matters most to me. I'm not leaving. I'm not giving up." Tears fell freely from both of their eyes.

Sam would remember every word Deena just spoke to her. All the promises Deena made. She would let someone close to her. She would let Deena be there for her. She's never done it before, she's afraid but she trusts Deena.

Sam brought her hands to the back of Deena's neck and pulled her close. She kissed Deena with all the strength she had and didn't let go of Deena for the rest of the night as they fell asleep, their arms wrapped around each other. Too afraid to let them go.