it's you, it's always been you

chapter 44

Sam braced herself against the sink, her hands holding on tightly to the countertop. She couldn't hold down breakfast and lunch from today. She was dizzy and light headed now that her stomach was empty.

She washed her face, she wasn't worried about the make up she washed off. She didn't even know why she put any on in the first place.

Actually she did know why, because her mother made her wear it since middle school. But she wasn't sure the next time she was going to see her mom, so she didn't care to fix it today.

Sam took the mini travel tooth brush and tooth paste from her pocket and brushed her teeth. She threw up so often, she carried them around in her back pocket.

"Sam? Are you okay?" Deena walked into the bathroom, luckily it was just them in there.

This was the same bathroom Deena told Sam that she never wanted to see her again, right after Sam said yes to going to homecoming with Caleb.

She missed when her biggest problem was getting asked to go to a dance.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just threw up lunch and breakfast, but I'm fine now that there isn't anything left to throw up." Sam sighed as she dried her hands.

She felt herself getting into a bad mood. She was in pain and stressed and annoyed and no one left her alone.

She really only wanted to talk to Deena, Simon and Kate. But everywhere she turned someone needed to talk to Sam. She knew they meant well, but it was getting to Sam.

Now Olivia was hugging her in front of Deena and her friends. Talking about Deena and her mom. She knew that would upset Sam and she did it anyway.

"I'm sorry Sam. School is almost over with. Then you can rest back home." Deena stood next to Sam, her hand on Sam's that gripped the countertop.

Sam took her hand away from Deena's and brought it to the side of Deena's face and kissed her. She missed kissing Deena even though she was the one who rejected Deena all day.

Deena frowned the moment Sam took her hand away. Then Sam leaned in, her heart fluttered when Sam kissed her. They've kissed so many times before, but it meant more to do it at school.

Sam brought her hand to the other side of Deena's face, deepening the kiss. She pushed away the thoughts of how awful the day has been, and let herself escape with Deena. The only person who made it better.

"Wow, Sam." Olivia said, standing in the doorway.

Both Sam and Deena jumped away from each other the second they heard a voice. Deena turned around and faced Olivia, making sure to stand in front of Sam.

"I can't believe you, Samantha. She really fucked you up just like your mom said. I promised her that I would look after you when you came back. You need to stay away from her, Sammy." Olivia spoke, looking pass Deena and her gaze on Sam.

"You don't know anything, Olivia. Go off with her mom, she's the fucked up one. You know the shit she put Sam through. We all saw it. You're fucked up." Deena was enraged the moment she saw Olivia hug Sam. And she wasn't going to hold it back any longer.

"It's not worth it, Deena." Sam took Deena's arm and held her back. Nausea hit her again as soon as she realized it was Olivia that caught Deena and her kissing. Soon everyone was going to know about Sam.

Soon her mom would know.

She wanted to beg Olivia to not tell anyone. Plead with her to keep the secret. But that would mean hurting Deena.

She will risk letting the world and her mom knowing about Sam being a lesbian than ever hurting Deena. Deena got through all the bullying and name calling and homophobia. With Deena by her side, Sam could too.

But she was terrified of her mom's reaction. What she would try to do to Sam or worse, Deena.

"Olivia, get out of the way. I'm not going to listen to you. Ever." Sam said as she went to leave the bathroom, Deena following right behind her.

Olivia put her hand on Sam's shoulder, "if you wanted to be a d*ke, why didn't you just ask me?"

Sam wanted to slap Olivia right there. She's never wanted to be in a physical fight with someone before, but Sam was already in a bad mood and in pain. Sam listened to Olivia talk badly about Deena and now she used the homophobic slur with her.

Sam unclenches her fist. She pushed her hard enough she fell back on the floor.

"You're going to regret that, Sammy." Olivia said as she stood up.

Deena went to step in front of Sam, she was ready to scream, yell, punch Olivia right then. She's hated her ever since the first time she saw her with Sam.

She could see the anger in Deena and stopped her before it got worse. Sam took Deena's hand and led them out the front doors. She didn't care to finish the rest of her first day. Everything hurt and Deena was all she needed.