it's you, it's always been you

chapter 124

(This is a flashback to 3 years ago. The fall of 1991. So both Deena and Sam are 15.)

Deena had finally bought the kind of stereo that she could make mixtapes on.

She worked all summer by doing extra chores for her parents and mowed a few of her neighbor's lawns regularly to save up for it.

She was constantly showing Sam new music that she liked whenever she came over. And Sam loved each song she showed her. So Deena wanted to buy the stereo so she could make mixtapes for Sam.

They would lay on the floor in Deena's room next to each other while closing their eyes and listening to whatever cassette Deena just got.

She also bought blank cassettes that she could record and put certain songs on to make a mixtape for Sam.

She put songs on it they both liked, "Hey" by the Pixies which was decided that it was officially their song, and "Creep," by Radiohead. But Deena also added songs that made her think of Sam. Like, "I Melt With You," by Modern English and "Drive" by The Cars and "When I See You Smile," by Bad English.

Deena took the cassette out of the stereo and put it in a case. She added a note that said "Dear Sam." Then she was nervous that it sounded too romantic so she changed it to, "Favorite Songs."

Deena knew that she was more than friends with Sam. But she couldn't figure out if Sam felt the same.

Sometimes she caught Sam looking at her the way Deena did. With love and tenderness and yearning to be more than friends. She would catch Sam sitting so close to her on purpose that sometimes Deena could feel Sam's breath and it made her cheeks grow hot every time. Their touches always lingered longing than they were supposed to but neither of them talked about it.

When it was just them in Deena's room together, Sam would reach out and take Deena's hand and intertwine their fingers. Deena never did that with any of her other friends. She knew that was something friends didn't do.

But Sam would get asked out on dates, even in front of Deena. Then she would go out with the boy. Every time a guy came up to Sam, Deena's heart ached and she got jealous of some guy that didn't deserve to be with Sam.

One Friday night after a football game, Sam, Deena, Kate and Simon went to the same restaurant they went to every Friday, the same spot other students would hang out there also.

A guy from the grade above them had been hitting on Sam and trying to ask her out for a couple weeks. That night, he went to the same restaurant as them after the football game.

"Hey Sam, could I talk to you for a minute?" Peter interrupted Kate, Simons, Deena and Sam as they sat and ate and laughed together.

Deena was sitting next to Sam like she always did. Deena turned to Sam to watch her reaction to the questions and if Sam was going to go with him. Deena knew what the guy wanted and she wanted to scream at him to go away.

Sam looked scared as her gaze shifted from Deena to Peter, "Y-Yeah, I can."

Deena didn't want to get out of the booth to let Sam go with this guy that didn't deserve to even talk alone with Sam.

She looked away from Sam, she was starting to get angry and didn't want Sam to see. But she slowly slid out of the booth when Sam bumped her arm.

Sam didn't look at Deena either as she moved from the booth and follow him. She felt him wrap his arm around her shoulders as he led them outside and in front of the restaurant.

"I can see them, Deena sit here." Simon said as she got up from his seat so Deena could see what was going on with Sam and the guy.

Kate and Simon knew about Deena's feelings for Sam before Deena even realized the feelings she had for Sam were romantic and she was in love with Sam. Even Deena's dad and Josh knew how Deena felt about Sam although Deena never said anything about it to them.

Nausea hit Deena the moment she watched the guy lean into Sam and kiss her. She's seen guys ask Sam out and hit on her but she's never seen Sam kiss one.

Deena got up and ran to the bathroom, she didn't care about the other people watching her as she ran. Her heart was breaking as she threw up everything she had in her stomach.

"Deena, she's been rejecting that guy for weeks now. He doesn't mean anything to her." Kate followed Deena to the bathroom and stood outside the stall door when Deena was done and went to the sink to wash up.

"Then why did they kiss? Sam didn't back away or run. She knew what he wanted when he asked to talk to her." Deena steadied herself as she held onto the bathroom sink and tried not to cry.

Kate put her hand on Deena's back. "Her mom makes her think she needs to kiss and date boys. But every single one of them Sam breaks up with just days later. They don't mean anything to her. You mean everything to her, she just doesn't get it yet."

"I'm so fucking tired of this. Of feeling this way about her. I love her so much that it's making me sick to watch her with anyone else. She's so different when we are alone. I wish she was like that all the time." Deena dried her hands as she spoke.

"You know Sam was raised differently than us. Her parents are awful to her so she tries to do anything to make her mom approve of her. Even dating boys. She looks annoyed and almost disgusted when they touch her. It's not for her Deena. She goes through all this because of her mom. I wish she was braver too and believed in herself. Then it would be different for the both of you."

Deena sighed after Kate spoke. She was right about Sam's mom and how Sam hid her true feelings and thoughts to be the perfect daughter that her mom wants her to be. She's seen how sad and hurt Sam is because of her parents so she tries anything to get them to care about her.

"Come on, I think my sister should be here soon to pick us up." Kate said and led them out of the bathroom and back to their table.

Once they sat back down, Sam came back to the table. Deena moved to let Sam back in the booth.

"I won't need a ride now Kate, but thank you. I'm going to this party with Peter." Sam said, not meeting Deena's eyes as the three watched Sam speak.

"Are you sure, Sam? You don't even know him." Deena was still angry and hurt by Sam kissing Peter, but she still loved her more than anything and needed Sam to be safe.

"Y-Yes..Sophie and Olivia will be there so it's fine. Bye guys." Sam left and Deena watched as Sam went out of the restaurant and got into Peter's car.

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so there will be multiple parts of this flashback