it's you, it's always been you

chapter 67

Deena was nervous as she thought about the colleges her and Sam applied to together. Sam was in the top five of their grade before she got behind while she was in the hospital.

Sam always did their homework together with Deena, since they had most of their classes together. So Deena did have decent grades but not like Sam's.

Sam's mom made sure Sam was getting straight A's in school and would be awful to her if Sam wasn't. Sam was conditioned to be perfect, but it was impossible and Sam was her worst critic, even worse than her mom.

Sam reassured Deena that no matter the college, she would go wherever they could be together. That being together was the only thing that mattered. But Deena wanted Sam's dream of going to NYU to be real.

Sam didn't speak to her dad yet. It was more complicated with him and her mom.

It was different with Deena. She always felt loved and understood with her.

But she didn't feel that for years with her parents and all of a sudden they cared. She didn't forgive them or forget what they did and she doesn't think she ever would.

Deena finally convinced Sam to go over to her dad's a few days after with her. Sam said she would listen to him but wouldn't promise anything.

Sam stepped back behind Deena, having her knock on the door and talk to her dad first.

"Sam, I'm happy to see you and glad you came back." Her dad said and Sam nodded to him.

"Uhm.." Deena looked between Sam and her dad, trying to figure out what to say. "Sam said she would hear what else you have to say but wouldnt commit to anything right now and just think about it."

"I understand, come in," Sam's dad moved out of the way to let them in and Sam and Deena sat on the same couch as last time, but Deena wrapped her arm around Sam's back for comfort.

She knew that they were good again and Sam promised to not leave or run away again. But she still was nervous how Sam would react to her dad.

Sam's dad sat on the chair across from them. "Thanks for coming Sam, I'm sorry it turned out badly last time. I didn't mean for that to happen."

Her dad cleared his throat and Sam looked at him but didn't meet his eyes.

"I'm trying to put this as gently as I can Sam. I know how you feel now. That you think I only started caring because of how it would look to others. But that's not true. I know that's what your mom would make you think. I couldn't look at myself or consider myself a decent person for years so I stayed away from you. It was beyond selfish and you never deserve that. I know it doesn't fix the past for me to act better now and I don't expect you to forgive me or your mom."

As he spoke Sam slowly met his eyes. Deena watched Sam to see her reaction and if she was starting to get upset.

"I have loved you and cared for you all this time. All these 18 years, but I did an awful job of showing it. And I regret how I acted everyday, Samantha. It's completely my fault and your moms fault. We hurt you and I'm so sorry. I wish so badly to fix it and take it all back. I should've stood up for you with your mom. For awhile I believed she was doing what was best and was making you the best version of yourself. But she didn't. She just hurt you. I know that now and how cruel she was when you had cancer made me so disgusted and repulsed by her."

Sam felt the tears build up in her eyes and a lump in her throat as he spoke.

"You're hurt. You've been in pain for years, Sam. The way your mom acted with you was inexcusable and cruel. None of it was your fault. Not a single moment. I let my issues with her get in the way of our relationship and I pushed myself away. You've had to be strong for so long, you've been fighting your pain everyday, and it's exhausted you. Sam,"

Her dad stood and moved next to Sam and got on his knees in front of her.

Sam buried her face in her hands as he spoke, everything he said was true for her and made her feel seen.

Deena leaned towards Sam and ran her hand up and down Sam's back.

"Sam, you deserve to feel better. It might feel different now that you're in remission. But those feelings were still there, deep down they were still there the whole time. It's so important to deal with them Sam. You have so much pain and anger pent up inside of you and you don't know what to do so you take it out on yourself. Deena and I love you, you're the most important person in my life and I want to be there for you and support you."

He put one of his hands on Sam's knees, trying to make sure she heard him.

"You said you lived for Deena. That you only went through the chemo for her. Please just see a therapist once, just try it. Do it for Deena and I. Do it for yourself because you deserve better. Sam you don't have to be in pain anymore. It can help you. I already found a doctor for you to see, if you want to. You don't have to make a choice now. But please think about it."

Sam wasn't angry like before when he tried to talk to her about getting help. She felt seen and even understood by her dad in the moment. She calmed herself as she took a moment before talking.

Sam looked at Deena and then back to her dad before speaking, "okay, I'll try it."

Sam leaned down to her dad and hugged him and then pulled away to turn to Deena and saw that Deena had tears in her eyes too and hugged Deena tightly and kissed her cheek.

Deena took Sam's face into her hands, "thank you Sam, for being opened to it and trying it. I love you so much, you're going to be okay."