it's you, it's always been you

chapter 18

Sam woke up to find herself alone in her hospital room. She carefully moved out of her bed, taking the IV stand with her, the bag on it held medicine and it was still connected to her arm.

As she slowly walked in her room, her bare feet on the cold hospital floor, she saw a stack of papers on the desk across from her.

The dizziness started again as she walked, so she sat on the chair at the desk, next to the stack of papers. She recognized her dad's handwriting, and her name was on all the papers. Then realized this was her treatment plan.

She missed Deena of course, she was disappointed when she woke up and not being in her arms anymore.

Tears brimmed her eyes as she realized what the test results meant and her worst fear was receiving chemotherapy. She knew the side effects of it and what it would do to her body. It was the last thing she ever wanted to go through.

Sam researched at the library at school the day after she found out about the cancer. Kate and Simon actually caught her in the library with all the cancer books she found, but played it off as a project for class.

She promised herself she would get better before doing chemotherapy. She wouldn't let it get that far and that bad. But she had no control, she knew that now. All she could do at this point is lay in the hospital bed and make the hospital her new home as she got treated.

She wouldn't go to school often, if at all. She would barely have the energy to go to Deena's house, and be alone with Deena on her roof, looking at the stars. And in those moments, the world seemed like it was only her and Deena. That's what she desperately craved at the moment.

She just learned that her cancer has gotten worse, it got to the point of chemotherapy. And it took all the hope Sam had in her the moment she read the words on the paper.

She wondered where her dad was and Deena was.

She wondered if her mom would come back.

She wondered if her mom would try to make another family with a new husband after the divorce.

She wondered what her mom would do if Sam died, would she finally tell Sam she loved her as she stood next to Sam's casket?

She couldn't remember the last time her parents said they loved her. The thought caused the tears to fall from her eyes.

She didn't want to stay in the hospital and be miserable. The doctors didn't know how long Sam would even have to be on chemotherapy, but she did remember how Deena's mom was when she was on it for only a few days.

She was young, she was 18 and she refused to allow something make her that sick. Would Deena still want to be with her if she looked so ugly and sick and didn't have any energy to even hang out?

These thoughts made Sam feel like her world around her was crashing down.

She took the IV out of her arm, and slowly stood up. She didn't feel as dizzy as before, so she figured that was a good sign. She scanned the room and found the clothes she was wearing when she got taken to the hospital.

It was her favorite sweater of Deena's. She changed into the clothes, taking a moment to breathe in Deena's sweater. It smelled like home to Sam. She felt so alone and broken and hopeless, and all she wanted to do was go home.

She tore off her hospital bracelet.

She was thankful it was dark out and many of the lights were out in the hospital rooms as she made it down the hallway. Sam froze as she recognized one of the nurses coming her way, so she hid in another patient's room.

She looked at the woman that laid on the bed, and all the cables and wires hooked up to her. She was asleep but looked like she was in so much pain. And the sight scared Sam even more.

She made it off of her hospital floor and found a back staircase that led her to behind the hospital and after slowly descending the stairs, she had to take multiple breaks to catch her breath.

But she didn't regret it, she kept moving. She needed her home. She didn't know how to make it through any of this without her.

It took her getting lost for a few blocks before she knew her way to Deena's house.

It was a half hour before the cafeteria closed, so Sam's dad suggested to Deena that they should eat and he would pay.

They ate in silence at first, the news of Sam's cancer weighed heavily on both of them. Deena thanked Sam's dad twice for paying for her dinner, and he told her don't worry about it, both times.

Deena realized that she would probably be spending a lot more time with Sam's dad, and she was grateful that he seemed nothing like his wife so far.

Deena turned on the light of Sam's room, she looked around the room, confused at first but then she thought Sam was in the bathroom.

Sam's dad waited on the couch across the room and Deena waited in the chair next to Sam's bed opposite of him.

It had been 15 minutes and Deena was worried something happened to Sam in the bathroom.

She knocked a few times, "Sam? Are you okay? I'm back, we went to eat."

No reply.

She looked back at Sam's dad, both of them with worry written across their faces.

Deena opened the door to the bathroom, and didn't find Sam, but she found Sam's hospital gown and Sam's hospital bracelet.