The Kim Family Tetralogy

42

"If I," Tits sighed, and started again, "if my drinking habits somehow showed you, or led you down this path, I am sorry, Jin."
She took his hand, "But you're a big boy, Jin, and I don't think that was what happened." she sighed again, "I told you to lean on me, to talk to me to, let me be there for you!" a single tear ran down her cheek, "That's the only thing I'm judging you for Kim Seokjin. That's were you've failed me. Failed yourself!"
She put her other hand ontop of their joined ones, "Please let me have your back from now on? Please?"
Jin nodded, but was still unable to look at her.
"Dear boy," she moved her hand to his cheek, "this is what your problem is." she sighed, deeply, "You say what you think I want to hear, because you're a good man and then you carry yet another burden. Of not wanting to burden me because you care about me, now, and don't want me to worry."
"T-heh." Jin chuckled through his tears, and nodded, yeah, she was pretty much spot on.
"When you're done with your treatment here, I'm taking you with me to the Amalfi coast, where you will recuperate while I spoil you rotten, for a few weeks." she patted his knee.
"But," he started to object.
"Mhm, that's what's going to happen and you, my dear boy, will have to relinquish control over that to Mr Kim and I, to get the Ministry and everyone else on board. 'Cause we, can make that happen for you. And when I'm confident you've made peace with everything, I'll fly Namjoon out and the two of you can work things out."
"But," he tried again.
"Yeees," she agreed, "I'm sure Namjoon can take care of you, too, when you get out of here." she nodded, "But, he, and you, both have expectations of eachother, like you should, you're married for Christ's sake."
"Well..." Jin shrugged a shoulder.
"Oh, shush! You are." she slapped him lightly, "But I'm ordering you to give yourself one minute, one time, where you don't have to worry about anything other than too much sand getting into your pants at the beach, while I fatten you up and dote on you, you hear?"
"Ok." he nodded.
"I may have been the worst mother in history to my son, but I sure as hell can be a good mother figure to you for a couple of weeks? If you'll let me? I'll even let you pretend you're doing me a favour, healing a old, un-healed, wound of mine, if it makes it easier for you?" she grinned, knowing fully well he'd have a hard time refusing her that.
"Now," she stood up, "auntie Tits will leave you to it, I'm sure you're exhausted after all the goodbyes for now and everything. And do not worry about Namjoon or the kids. They are well cared for, not that they need it, but they are, and you'll see them when it's time for that. Now it's time for you."
"Yeah," Jin sighed, "yey." he did a mock celebratory shake of his hands.

He did not look forward to this one bit. But he wanted off this. He really did.
Wanted himself back.
To be able to trust himself again even if that ment never taking another sip of wine ever again.
'Cause that was what he was really worried about. The painkillers could go fuck themselves in the ass, he hadn't liked that one bit, but the alcohol?
Yeah, he'd miss that.
'Cause honestly, he'd been depending on drink for a really long time. That hadn't just happened over night.
He'd been slightly buzzed every night since, well, he couldn't actually remember since when, but, definitely since medschool, perhaps even before?
He couldn't tell.
Always, even now still, on the side of 'socially accepted', but, he'd been testing the waters lately, obviously, of people being uncomfortable with his drinking so, he knew the point of no return had been passed, long, long, before that.
He was a doctor, after all.

"Ok, dear boy," Tits bent over him and kissed him on the cheek, "I love you, remember that." she smiled, "And you know we'll let you know if there's something sinister going on 'outside', trust me, we will let you know. But we're talking sinister," she emphasised, "not that Tae made another interview or something." she nodded to underline it.
"Ok." Jin agreed, "I love you too, Tits. Thank you for being here for me."
"I haven't, yet!" she made a face, "You wouldn't let me, silly boy!"
"Ok, ok," Jin held his hands up, surrendering, "but still, thank you!"
"Aish!" she laughed, "You're welcome." she stuck her tongue out, "Now get some sleep, and, carry on?"
"Carry on. " Jin saluted her.
"Good." she smiled and closed the door after her.
Leaving Jin to his thoughts.
And himself.
All alone.
With only his coming abstinence to look forward to.
Yey.

He'd decided to go cold turkey.
Just get it out.
Get it all out of his system.
Stare it down.
Face it head on.
But he was beginning to regret that descision.
It was brutal.
Bru-tal.
Vomiting.
Shaking.
Being in more pain than ever before.
Everything hurt.
Even his hair.
And he hated everyone in there.
Assholes.
Talking to him.
Asking him stupid questions.
Pushing him, to.
Ychll.
And the, 'Hi my name is Jin and I'm an alcoholic'?
Yeah.
That was fun.

Worrying about Taehyung.
And Jungkook.
And Hobi.
And Jimin.
All of them being in another countries.
Living, in other countries.
Leaving him.
He tried to reason with himself, Jimin had his dad, his actual dad, in England.
Hobi had Minho. The one person Jin truly trusted.
Taehyung and Jungkook had Namjoon, and a freaking team of people, taking care of everything for them.
In New Zealand.
He shivered.
No.
He was not making much progress in the reasoning department.
He really wasn't.

Some things began to make sense though.
How he always agreed to what everyone said but then did as he thought best anyway.
How he kept things from people.
Laughed stuff off.
He couldn't figure out if it was the fact that his parents died or, believe it or not, medschool, that had somehow stumped his personal growth, but he was beginning to suspect both.
He got a letter from Mina, checking in on him so he decided to write her back, with permission from the staff, and ask what she thought about it.
Because he trusted her too.
And she'd done the same journey as he had.
So he trusted her a little bit extra just because of that, also.
Her answer made him actually cry with laughter as she regaled him with her own shortcomings and those of her classmates, having missed out on 'normal' young adult stuff because of school, making them socially akward and immature in their personal lives, as well as become toughtful with some truly profound insights of hers as to who chose to pursue medicin in the first place and the somewhat grandiose peronality traits you had to have in order to succeed. Or for that matter, practise.

And he missed his brother.
His son.
He wanted to hold him.
Nuzzle his neck.
Breathe in the scent of his sweet kid, that wasn't a kid anymore, but his kid.
Take comfort in him.
Like he always had.
Jungkook always joked about Tae being his personal support animal, but Jin realised, Tae was his support animal.
Had always been.
Even as a baby.
He made Jin calm.
And he would endure anything to keep Tae safe, he could endure anything as long as Tae was safe.
Yeah, it didn't make sense, but it made sense to him.

Of course he missed Jungkook and Namjoon as well, but not like he missed Tae.
It was like a piece of him was missing.
And, yeah.
He would have to come to terms with the fact that it would always be missing.
That he would have to let Tae go.
That, that, was part of being a parent.
Letting go.
Having to rely on the hope that you'd raised your kid well, given them all the tools they'd need to navigate the world without you.
And that they would get hurt and lost and be afraid and that, that, was part of their journey.
Not yours.
Christ it hurt!
And he wasn't ready for this!
And the stuff they were navigating?
All of them?
It kinda went above and beyond what everyone else had to deal with.
Normally.
Even his shrink agreed with him on that.
Glorious.

Namjoon came to see him, about halfway through, and Jin was so happy, so embarrassed, so ashamed and so in love with him, he realised, when his heart made a little jump when he saw him.
'Cause he didn't realise it was him at first, he just heard himself think, 'who's that fine looking man over there?' making him even more shy when he recognised him, seconds after.
He didn't know how to be with him, they'd, struggled, before he started this sobering up business.
But Namjoon just held him.
Tight.
Crushing him almost. And Jin felt all the things he wanted to say, all the things Namjoon felt for him, that were too big, too encompassing for words and that Jin had him. For life.
No matter what.

"I'm sorry, baby." Namjoon whispered, "I should've seen. I should've helped you carry your burden, but I just let you do it on your own."
"I didn't want you to see." Jin whispered back, "I couldn't have unloaded some of my burden to you, that would just have been another burden for me, having burdened you. I'm sorry, too."
They stod like that.
Hugging.
For maybe half an hour or more.
Communicating mostly through their touch.
Namjoon told him he was in treatment too.
For co-dependency.
And that Tae and Jungkook saw someone about that as well.
Jin felt how a knot, he hadn't been aware of, unfurled itself, somewhere way down low in the depth of his soul.
It wasn't just him anymore.
They were all in this together.

And he cried.