The Kim Family Tetralogy

19

He danced.
Like he'd never danced before.
Thankfully, he was so pumped out at the end of the performance he could blame his tears on exhaustion, leaving Taehyung to just hold him.
Praise him.
Support him.
Even if he didn't know he was doing it.
Jimin promised he'd try to join them at their 'vacation home' (seriously, wtf?) later.
At least for a couple of days.

He almost regretted it.
Tae saw everything.
And Minho was worse.
And Yoongi.
Yeah.
Jimin realised he wasn't entirely over him yet.
And Hobi.
Why couldn't he have not fucked up with Hobi?
But, that was strangely enough easier to handle because Hobi was so happy with Minho. And Jimin honestly didn't want to have ever kept Hobi away from that.
No matter how much he may still want him.
And.

Soonyi.
She.
Above everyone else, there was Soonyi.
He couldn't.
No.
'My head isn't big enough for all these thoughts.' he thought to himself.
'Cause it felt like they were shouting.
The thoughts.
Drowning out everything else.
'I love her.'
'I have a son.'
'Why didn't she tell me?'
'I love her.'
'I have a son.'
'Why didn't she tell me?'
'I have a son.'
'I have a son.'
'I have a son.'

He left the guys, unable to tell if he'd been present with them at all.
He'd just slept.
And eaten.
And slept some more.
And he loved them for letting him.
For not expecting anything from him.
Just putting food infront of him and letting him be.
Because he couldn't talk about this.
He hadn't the faintest clue how to.
Try as he might, he could not wrap his head around the situation he was in.
They, were in.

So, he danced.
For months he danced.
His pain, his desperation, his helplessness.
His shame.
'Cause that was there too.
Being such an incredible fuck-up.
Fucking things up.
Wherever he went.
All around the world.
Zip a dee doo dah.
Fucketifucketifuck.
My, oh, my, what a wonderful, dumpster fire.
And he drank.
A lot.
Idiotic.
His brain didn't, you know? Shut off when he drank.
No matter how much he tried to drown it.
Just gave him the worst hangovers.
Regrets.
Angst.
Self-loathing.
Idiotic.
He stood beside himself, looking at an idiot.
Even when he drank, he saw the fool.
But still, he did it.
Like an idiot.
Idiot.
Idiot.
Idiot.

And he missed her.
Them.
Together.
As he'd thought they were ment to be.
Forever.
But he couldn't, didn't, how?
Fuck.

Their performances were talked about wherever they went as something to look out for or get tickets to.
"I want to know him." he said, again, having landed, firmly, in that knowledge, trying to sway her one last time.
"Here's the thing, Jimin," Soonyi was massaging her eyebrows, "I'm not giving him his father back and taking him away again. He's too precious to me for that." her voice broke. "I'm not letting you into my son's life until I feel sure that you'll stay a part of his life. And I'm sure as hell not telling him you are his real father either. Until that."
"Yes. You've said." Jimin sighed, they'd had this argument for some time, now, "But the only way for me to prove that to you is to be a part of his life from now on."
"I," Soonyi started, sounding unusually unsure, and quieted.
"No." Jimin took her hands in his, "Tell me."
"I'm," she swallowed, "my, our life, Parker's and mine? We've made it work, and, I'm, I don't, know, how, what, if," she was looking down, "I mean, I've lied to him! His whole life!" she was so scared what this was going to do to their relationship!
"What if," she felt like she was about to puke, "telling him the truth, makes him, push me away?" she broke down, "I couldn't go on living!" she started to retch, crying all the way down from her toes.
Jimin pulled her into his arms.
Holding her tight.
And he got it.
Suddenly, he got it.
She was feeling the fear he'd felt when he couldn't tell Hobi about the audition, about cheating, about anything, really, because he'd been so scared it would push him away.
That he'd leave Jimin.
Abandon him.
Never talk to him again.
Be angry with him.
Forever.
"Oh, Soonyi." he consoled, "I'm sorry." he cooed, waddling them gently, "I'm so sorry." he sang, comforting her, 'til the crying slowed.

"Come on." Jimin pulled her down on the floor so they were sitting cross-legged opposite one another, "What have you actually said to him about his father?"
She got up and fetched some paper and blew her nose.
Jimin let her.
She sat down.
And got back up and went to put out the lights, turning everything pitch black.
Jimin heard her search her way back to him and reached for her, helping her down again.
"I've told him," she drew a painful breath, "that I met this wonderful guy, the night before I left for England and fell madly in love." she drew another breath, "And that I didn't know his name or where he lived and," she paused, "when I realised I was pregnant, I felt it was a gift from him to me. A parting gift and it made me so happy."
Jimin heard her tears fall.
"And that, when he was born, I was so grateful to that man, that he'd given me my boy for me to love and be a mom to and that I felt like the luckiest girl in the world because of it." she broke down harder, "H-and ha-ai don't he-ver wa-hant him to-ho th-hink h-e wasn't wa-hanted! Tha-hat I-hai ha-aven't lo-hoved him fro-hom the-he se-hecond I kne-hew! He-eh ca-han't e-hever know tha-hat Jih-hmin! Ever!"
"No." he pulled her against him, "He can't ever know that. Because it isn't true, is it? That you didn't want him? You did. I didn't. Because I was an asshole. A blind asshole. But he must never know I didn't want him! I promise you this. He will never know anything but being wanted and loved from the second of his conception. I promise you. I swear on my friendship with Taehyung he will always feel wanted and loved. I could never be so cold as to let him know the truth about that! I promise."
Jimin shuddered at the thought.
"This isn't about me. It's about him. Doing what's best for him. " he snickered at himself when he suddenly repeated what Soonyi had been saying the whole time, " Oh, my God, I really am unbearably dense, aren't I?"
"U-hum." Soonyi nodded against his chest, still crying, but chuckling at the same time, she wound her arms around him and whispered, "But Jimin, you do know he might not, you know, jump with joy? From the get go?"
"No." Jimin sighed, "He might resent me. And you."
"I can't!" she gasped, "I don't, maybe it's selfish? Of us?"
"I love you, Soonyi." Jimin said all serious, "I," he paused, "don't think that's ever going to change." he said, a bit hesitant, searching his emotions, realising he was, in fact, a changed man, "I love you." he nodded, coming to terms with it, "And I would very much like to get to know the whole you and be a part of all your life. And, I want to know my son. Even if he hates me. Even if he can't stand me, I want to know him."
He sighed again.
"But, I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared shitless!" he huffed.
"Yeah."
He could feel Soonyi nodding.
"How do we?" she swallowed some spit the wrong way and started coughing.
"I have no fucking clue." Jimin felt true terror coarse through his veins, "No. Fucking. Clue."
Shit.