Electric / Steve Rogers x OC x Bucky Barnes ✓

Chapter 118: Unravelling

*TW: Very emotional chapter. Character having panic attacks/very emotional state. Please don't read if you're not comfortable with that.

This chapter was inspired by the soundtrack for Endings, Beginnings by Philip Ekström. Specifically the songs, "Melting/Loveless" and "I'm Nowhere." This chapter was very emotional to write for me and it might be emotional to read as well. I encourage you to listen to these two songs, as you read.*

MADELINE

As soon as the door closes behind them, the thoughts overwhelm me. 

This is much more than I thought it was, at first. 

The more I think about it, the more I realize just how wrong it is of them. Just how wrong it is for them to expect me to do as they want. Just how wrong it is to get angry at me for saving their lives. 

Is this what it's always going to be like?

Are they going to expect me to follow their rules, even if it breaks my heart? Kills my soul?

Because that's what losing Bucky would have done. Killed me. 

Killed every single part of me. 

Just like it would have done if I'd lost Steve. I have no idea how I'm ever going to survive without either of them. Let alone both of them. 

Are they going to always expect me to submit to them?

I will do it in a lot of ways. When they kiss me, touch me, when we're in bed, they can do whatever they please. I have let them do whatever they please. 

Because I love them and I want them and I want nothing more than to make them happy. And it makes me happy too, being with them, submitting to them. 

But that is not all of me. 

I sit down on my bed and touch the comforter softly. 

What we do in here is not all of me. 

And I thought they realized that. 

But I also understand why they want to protect me, keep me safe. They're worried. They don't want to lose me. 

But how can they not understand that I feel the exact same way about them? 

I don't want to lose them. Either of them. I've made that very clear, several times. And I won't hesitate to give up my own life to save theirs. Because I love them. But this is different, this is about who I am as a person, what kind of life I get to live.

They're better off without you. You're a monster. 

I put my head in my hands as I hear a familiar voice in my mind, taking over. 

Run. 

Get out. 

Leave. 

You don't belong here. 

I shake my head at my thoughts. 

You can't do this. 

You don't deserve them. 

You're a monster. 

Look at what you're doing to them. 

They can't stay safe with you around. 

Why would they ever love you after everything you've done?

You don't belong here. 

I grab my hair roughly at the roots, as the thoughts take complete control of my mind, slowly but steadily.