her truth

life goes on

Sandra everyday worked hard to become a bit sad, she didn't want to leave her children however the child support she received wasn't enough, also due to her father's declining health, she had to place her kids into day care when she could, sometimes her mother or father would help, but Sandra was worried about her child with her father, there were a few times her father would ask when she could come home, Sandras job didn't pay much and had her going places she couldn't always get a signal, but she did what she could for her children and the mess that was going on.
She still fought her ex and hard, he's lawyer wasn't making things easy and drawing things out, apparently there were things going wrong with her father so she kept having to extend things, Sandra just wanted to this to be over, get a schedule that worked for the children and get on with her life, when the father had the children on his weekends she even tried to go on dates, she went online to a dating app just so she could get out of the house and think about herself for a moment, unfortunately the first guy she tried to be with was a little younger, he took her to a restaurant, he was nice however he was very grabby and just wanted sex, that's not what Sandra just wanted, she wanted honestly a connection, so she had to end that which did not go well, she blocked him off social media, then he created another to try to get at her again for her to block him again, Sandra eventually tried again, but this guy was weird, he kept trying to smell her, she didn't understand it, eventually he didn't want to be with her any more because she had kids, Sandra was always very up front about that, so she eventually blocked him and was done with that guy, Sandra tried one more time, this time with someone older to see if that was better.
Unfortunately she ran into a problem, he just wanted a show horse, he didn't really care about Sandra, he did have a son of his own, was rich, but he flaunted that around her too much, she didn't care about that type of life, she wanted a genuine connection, they were together for a bit, she then invited him to her house after she got over whelmed when her father went to the hospital again, he laid with Sandra to comfort but wanted sex, Sandra was happy she heard her daughter wanting her, so that man got out but left her 100, Sandra looked to it to sign to be happy he left to hide the money to go to her daughter to be happy she didn't let any of these men be introduced to her kids, that were all immature, only cared about sex, that was not all Sandra was wanting, she then Broke things off with him after he was willing to meet her kids and have her meet his son which never happened, Sandra then cancelled her prescription and just focused on her children.
By a Saturday morning, during the summer, Sandra was making food to be eyeing out back has the girls were playing, to then eye down to sign.
Think I'm suppose to be alone. I just feel so alone in this divorce. I'm always working, my dad is always sick, doing everything for myself. Life is just not fair, my ex is in this nice house, getting paid big money, has his mother doing everything, hate that I hear from my girls that he is gone during the weekends and she is solely watching them. Why is the still fighting with me about them when it doesn't seem he gives a shit? He just pawns the girls on his family, while I'm here at this house having to do everything my self and....
Sandra rolled her eyes to then turn to place the healthy meal into the oven to eye over it.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose my kids, I don't know why he keeps extending this, why this can't just end.
Sandra signed to look down..
I'm about to lose my lawyer who started this. I don't have any money, my dad doesn't have any money. Fuck.... What am I going to do then? Can I finish this without a lawyer? I don't know, my ex and his lawyer are doing nothing but lying about me, doing really hurtful things, causing me to stress out, talking to my therapist helps a little but.....ugh! Why does this have to be my life! Why didn't I listen to my sister Brita and go on that dating app in college! I should have just focused on my studies!
Sandra started to tear up has she felt all this was her fault. Her girls now came from a broken home, they had to be placed in the middle of two people who are hurting them. Sandra always wanted a two person house hold, given her parents got divorced when she was 6, she just wanted a family, why wouldn't Diego be who he was suppose to be with her, why did he have to turn into a monster.
Sandra bowed a bit to wrap her arms about herself to then place a hand over her mouth has she started to cry, this was something she was determined not to let her girls see, she was not out her ex, she did not invite her problems to them, Sandra shielded her children from pain has much has she could. Sandra knew she was an adult, she needed to accept this.
Sandra then closed her eyes to take in deep breathes.
She was in a world of misery, she blamed herself for the divorce, blamed herself for the fact her father was paying for this and was losing all his money, she blamed herself for how Diego turned into this asshole, Sandra blamed herself for everything has her ex made sure that she would.
Jumping a bit, Sandra turned to look at her girls who came to her.
"Mommy I'm hungry, hey..... Why you crying?"
Sandra gulped and hard to then wipe away her tears to place her fingers into the cold water to eye over her children .
"I'm stupid, I burned myself placing the food in."
The girls liked to the other for Emily to roll her eyes to then get off the bench to go back outside for Sarah to follow.
"That does sound stupid, you need to be more careful."
Sandra turned off the water to eye down.
Yeah..... Yeah I do.....