Sebastian and Rachel One Shots (Smytheberry)

6. The reason why I loved singing- Part 1

Sebastian's POV

5 months ago I left Dalton, to go back to Paris because of my mum being sick and also the fact that I lost my passion for everything especially singing and performing, and I started to hate everyone. I'm now packing everything in my suitcase again and going back to Dalton, before I left, I lost everything, I lost my captaincy of The Warblers, and the Dalton Lacrosse team, because I had to go back to Paris. I couldn't be around anyone anymore, I lost everything, I lost my love of performing and playing Lacrosse, I couldn't deal with anything anymore. I just lost everything. 

I needed a break from Dalton, a break from Ohio, nothing mattered to me anymore, I didn't care if I was benched in Lacrosse games, I didn't care that I lost all the lead solos and captaincy in The Warblers. So when my dad rang to say my mum was in hospital because she was getting sicker, I brought a one way plane ticket to Paris (Perks of being rich) to get away from everything, to get away from my life and never looked back until now. I stayed in Paris for 5 months, and in those 5 months, I lost all my reasons to sing. I lost the only member in my family that ever understood me. I lost everything that mattered to me most, my biggest supporter.

Everything went upside down from that day, but I made a promise to my mum. She was in hospital for 6 months due to stage 3 cancer. When I found out that she was in hospital for a month more than I assumed, I lost it. I yelled at my dad in frustration for not telling me as soon as she went back, I yelled at him for not telling me sooner that she had gotten sick again. I was mad at him. I yelled at him, I cursed at him, I was frustrated at him, and I was basically blaming him for everything, I was basically blaming him for my mum getting sick.

The day before she died, I told her everything. I told her how I lost my passion for singing, and my passion for lacrosse and how everyone at school has been fucking (Obviously, I didn't swear) annoying me. As I was talking to her, I felt my heart ache, because I use to love singing, I use to love performing, but along the way with all the scheming, the frustration of everything, the worry of not knowing if my mum would survive.

I lost the reason why I would sing, why I would perform, I lost the reason why I loved singing, why I loved performing in front of everyone, I lost my will to dance and sing, and while talking to my mum that day, I knew my reason for singing, performing, and the strive to make her proud of me, and knowing was slowly dying with her, and I knew then that I was losing the most important person in my life, the only person that will ever understand. 

After I told her about how I don't love singing or performing anymore, she held my hand, and told me that she loved me, and that she knew the reason I would love to sing, I would love to perform was because of her.

When she told me everything, I cried, she told me to be strong. I knew I couldn't be strong anymore. How could I be strong, when I don't I have any reason to be. She told me to be brave, and that one day I will get my passion for singing, performing and sports back, I looked at her with tears and asked her when, she smiled sadly at me and told me that she doesn't know when, but I will, it will take time, just don't give up.

I looked at my now fully packed suitcase, grabbed my plane ticket to Ohio, my passport, and had my dad drive me to the airport. I sadly looked out the window, remembering all the times I was happy which included when I was singing, performing, and playing lacrosse, but most importantly, when my mum alive.

I didn't want to leave Paris, to go back to Ohio, but I knew I had to. I knew I had to go back to Dalton even if I didn't want to. When I left, no-one questioned me, no-one asked questions, and no-one could stop me, not even Rachel could stop me. But I have to go back, I promised my mum.

4 hours before she died, she made me promise to go back to Ohio, to go back to Dalton, because she wanted me to find the reason I sang, she wanted me to find the reason why I loved performing in the first. I questioned her about it, and she told me that she had a mother's intuition that I will find the reason back in Ohio, back at Dalton. I promised her that I would go back, even if I didn't find the reason. 

4 hours later, her heart monitor stopped, and I knew that my reason and passion for singing and performing left with her, but I knew in times like these music and singing didn't even help. After my mum's funeral, I booked a flight back to Ohio, and had my dad enrol me back into Dalton academy.

As my dad parked the car, I walked to the luggage claim, and boarded the first flight to Ohio.

I sat down on the plane, and endured the long flight home. Once it landed, I was greeted with Jeff at the airport. He was the only person who knew everything besides my mum. We drove to Dalton, and instead of greeting everyone like I normally would, I walked straight back to my dorm unpacked, and thought of my mum, and how I would make her proud. I walked to where The Warblers would be singing, I looked on in the distance, I sat down on the bench outside the choir room. I was watching them sing Glad you Came by The Wanted. I was listening to them that I didn't hear Jeff speak. He nudged me as he sat down next and said 

"You could always come back to The Warblers." I sighed and said

"I know." Nick then sat down next to me as well, looked at me and said

"Then what's stopping you Sebastian?" I looked at them both and said

"Just don't worry about it." As I said that, I looked back at The Warblers, when Nick nudged me and I then said

"How can I sing, when I don't love it anymore, I don't love performing like I used to." I sighed and continued

How can I go on stage and pretend that I love singing and performing when I don't." As I finished, Jeff then said

"You used to love singing and performing." I looked down, and said

"I know." The bell rang signalling the end of the day, Nick and Jeff then stood up from the bench to go somewhere, and before they left, Nick turned to me and said

"If you're looking for the will, power, control, urge, and reason to sing, just go for a walk, you never know where your heart will take you." I looked at him confused and said

"Nick, that would work if I was trying to figure girl problems out, but I'm not." Jeff shook his head and said

"Sebastian, you used to love singing and performing, and even lacrosse, you gave them up, because you lost your passion and your love for everything.... love comes from the heart Sebastian." As they said that they were about to walk away, when they stopped turned around, looked at me and Nick said

"Who knows Sebastian, maybe your heart will lead you to find your love for everything, it could be a person, or just a stage, you just got to go for it and find it, even if it's not at Dalton, but at McKinley high school with Rachel... She was devastated when you just left 5 months ago, you owe it to her... Now get your ass off that bench, and go find the reason why you loved singing and performing.... Just comeback here like the cocky, snobby, self-absorbed, good looking ass you were when you first started." I looked at him after his speech and said

"I always knew you fancied me." Jeff rolled his eyes and said

"Just get out there and find the reason, before I make you." As they said that, I got up from the bench, walked out of Dalton and took a walk around the town in Ohio like Nick suggested. I don't know where I'm going, but I know it's to somewhere or someone that will help me find the reason why I loved singing.

A/N: Part 2 will be posted soon :)