The Librarian and the Fox Princess: a Donghua Dijun and Bai Fengjiu story, V.I

Chapter 46 - The Fifth Element

(Image credit of the herbal chicken soup goes to the owner)

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After Dong Hua returned to his room upon seeing his little fox princess happily reading a letter from what was most likely one of her many suitors, he had felt a hollowness at the back of his throat. 

Karma usually never came that quickly, but he briefly considered this was the repayment for when he had wanted to rip Lian Song's throat out with his bare hands back at Yuanji Palace. The comment the rascal prince had made about how he could look at his dinner companion, who was obviously Xiao Bai, all day and all night had incensed the almighty god to his core.

He had not allowed his eyes to graze over her even once after they had returned to his palace because he knew he would not be able to control the venom that would undoubtedly spew out of him. He had told her in the pavilion that he would watch his body, speech, and mind around her, that he would always be mindful that his actions always affected her. Since he had not been able to sufficiently hurt Lian Song, he knew he would end up displacing that need to hurt another, on her. 

That was the last thing he wanted. 

He knew he had two operating systems; hot and cold. He decided that being cold and indifferent would be the safest option for her. It had already been painful enough when he had to remove himself from her warm embrace. She had nestled the side of her beautiful face deep in his chest as if it belonged there. He wanted to stand there forever to let her know that she was right, it did.

He had hoped that she'd just busy herself with food but she had insisted on coming over to him and sweetly offered her presence like she often did. It took everything he had not to throw his scroll to the side to give her his undivided attention. He wanted to pull her into him and give her one of those precious fox kisses she had taught him when he was Dream Dijun. 

When she had nudged the box of peach cookies at him, he had made that horrible comment that hurt her because he was angry she had eaten them first with Lian Song. He was angry that she had gone over to Yuanji Palace in the first place. The truth was even if they were leftovers he would have eaten them happily because she had offered them to him. She didn't know it but he had even eaten those dumplings she had brought back from her meal with all those boys. He savored each morsel of food because it came from her caring attention.

He knew that his Xiao Bai felt everything very deeply. Unlike him, she easily found meaning behind her thoughts, feelings and other people's actions.  He had always been adept at compartmentalizing everything until she arrived. The ancient god, who had the power to end worlds was afraid that if he became "hot," and unable to cage his rage, he'd end up doing something hateful and unforgivable. 

He had an image of him crushing her delicate small frame against the wall, his body pressed up against hers while raging something awful into her soft little ear. He wanted to either snuggle with her in his lap, or was going to submit her to an abusive hurtful outburst. Dong Hua was disgusted with the polarity within himself. The rage was really meant for Lian Song and towards his own ineptitude. He felt helpless and possessive. These were not emotions he knew how to navigate.

He briefly thought about the rumor he had spread about Lian Song to his little fox. What he was feeling now was nothing more than emotional impotence. Karma comes for everyone, he reminded himself. 

While he had been more prudent when he reigned as emperor, in his semi-retirment he had cared little for consequences, good or bad. He had become reckless. Having Xiao Bai in his life now had drastically changed how he experienced emotions, physical touch, and how he rearranged his intentional thought patterns. The whole energetic landscape of his existence had changed because of the time and devotion he spent on his little fox.*