The Librarian and the Fox Princess: a Donghua Dijun and Bai Fengjiu story, V.I

Chapter 65 - Holding Space

He remembered that she had an update for him about Real Dijun.

"Tell me the update," he gently coaxed as he tucked aside some strands of wet hair that stuck to the sides of her face.

"I found out why he was in seclusion! Dream Dijun, he was sick ... and he didn't want to get me sick. He was just trying to be protect me. He never wanted for us to be apart."

Her eyes contained all the wonder of a child who had learned something fascinating, like how eggs would always yield some kind of babies, or that the seeds of a fruit could grow a flower and more fruits. Slowly, he could see the the moisture build up within her dark beautiful eyes. 

It was the realization that she should have always been privy to this knowledge. It should have never been hidden from her.

"You know, Dijun, this somehow seems obvious, now. I actually feel stupid saying it out loud. Like oh, look what I finally learned. But all those years ago when he was in seclusion ...  I ... was deeply depressed," she said as her eyes lowered. Her chest heaved as she fought to hold back the tears and heaviness from the dark recesses of her memory.

Images of her excusing herself from the kitchen from her Kun Lun Uncles to quickly run to the lotus pond to wipe her tears emerged. She had been cooking a dish for her uncles and laoshi that she desperately wished she could have cooked for Dong Hua. She thought about the times that she wandered the halls of Kun Lun in the middle of the night looking like a ghost because she couldn't sleep. Then there were the many times she just quietly cried at night wondering if he ever thought of her, or worse if he purposely tried to not think of her.

"I really thought that he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I feel really stupid now. I should have known he wasn't like that. But I can't read his mind and so those were my thoughts then. I woke up many mornings just sick of myself and my sadness."

Dong Hua was born inherently cold. This fact had always facilitated a nonchalant indifference towards everyone he dealt with. But upon seeing her anguish, it was as if his cold blood completely froze over into a wasteland. The arctic tundra of his chest cracked and shattered from the tectonic force of his heart collapsing into itself.

He remembered how he had harshly lashed out at her with "leave me alone and don't ever come here again!" when she had tried to travel into his aura to find him. She had no context of his condition then. She was left bare, vulnerable, utterly defenseless against the deep cuts of his cruel and serrated words.

The moment she linked into the same memory, she could no longer hold back the tears as they forced their way through her tightly shut eyelids.

"He's the Master of the Universe, he's the smartest and most powerful person in all the realms," she whisper-cried out, "couldn't he have thought of some other way than to have me think he had changed his mind, that he couldn't stand having me in his life?" 

The look of torment and disappointment on her face was evident. She had emotionally wrapped herself tightly and carefully in the heaviest of chains to prevent her heart from rupturing out of her chest.

"Don't hold it in," he said softly.

She began sobbing quietly, tears flowing down her cheeks. Even though she knew she was alone and dreaming, just the image of Dream Dijun in front of her brought a wave of shame. She tried to dry her tears only to find that her wet hands only made things worse. She defeatedly let her arms drop lifelessly into the water. Frustrated, she hunched over bringing her knees up, and cried into them.

She felt his arms encircle her. He held the small tightly folded package of her body closer into him. After a few moments, he gently lifted her face up into his hands and began softly kissing the areas around her eyes. She could feel his tongue taste and then his lips absorb her tears.