So Jade's last post got me thinking.
I'm terrified of the future.
I mean yeah, sure, I'm still a stupid 13-year-old girl with her whole life ahead of her and nothing to worry about quite yet, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about it.
I'll admit, I'm a huge worrier.
Like, when I was younger, I used to never be able to sleep because I was scared of a serial killer coming into my room or my house randomly catching on fire or dying from carbon monoxide poisoning or some shit.
Wow, I'm getting off topic.
But to get back to the point, I think the future is terrifying to everyone at some point in their life.
I want to be a singer when I'm older. I really want to be in a band especially, ever since I've gotten into 5sos. But the thing is, I'm scared of those risks.
I've become so focused on dreaming about being famous and singing every single day that I've kind of started slacking on school.
And that's definitely not good.
I just don't entirely see the point to it anymore. All my teachers are either idiots or jerks, my classmates can't go two seconds without talking or making some weird random noise, and I doN'T FUCKING LIKE ALGEBRA
My brother is trying to get into colleges and stuff right now, and all I'm thinking is: am I really going to have to do that?
I think when you go to the same school for almost 12 years, the idea of learning until at least 22 is kind of a strangle-the-person-who-came-up-with-this kind of idea.
I want to do something with my life. I want to be someone. I'm sick of living in a stupid place that no one even knows exists, and I just want to get out of here already. My "friends" don't actually give a shit about me, I know that and I've ranted about it on more than one occasion. But I feel like my parents are the ones holding me down.
My mom is pretty much terrified of anything to do with putting yourself out there, and showing the fact that you exist. When I had a secret personal instagram and she found out about it, I ended up deleting it because she was making me block all of my followers unless she knew them. It was too much pressure and I still have people at school coming up to me and saying "hey what happened to your instagram?" And I have to tell them I deleted it, and then they end up asking me why and I have to make up a stupid, vague excuse because I'm terrified of what people might think of me.
As for my dad, he's like a puppy who needs to follow everything my mom tells him to do. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad to death, but he's practically forced to keep everything slightly inappropriate from me, even though I already know everything he's saying and what it means...if that makes any sense. He only ever yells at me if I do something my mom told me not to do, and I just...I really just want to be free.
Maybe I want to be like 5sos. Maybe I want to find some legitimate friends and rock out every night on a stage in front of thousands of screaming fans who know my name and actually appreciate my existence genuinely, instead of just saying "OMFG UR SO BEAUTIFUL ILY SO MUCH WHATS-UR-NAME!!1!1" when in reality they don't actually give a shit. I want people who really care about me in the way I want them to.
I know this was a stupid rant, and it took me forever to write, but I think the future really is my worst fear. Because none of us really know what the future holds for us. We're all just sitting around, trudging through over-crowded school hallways, waiting for something to happen to us. Everyone is being tethered down by something. I don't know if I'm brave enough to break that tether yet. But I know that I want to be.
You probably don't give a crap about this, and no one ever comments on my rants anymore, but this really does mean something to me. I just want a few people to know that.
-Cat
