It's Cat.
I feel like punching a motherfucking wall.
I'm so pissed at my director (because I have absolutely nothing to talk about but this fucking play)!
So I have to make this one entrance from the back of the "theater (aka gym/cafeteria)" but the thing is that all the lunch tables that are usually lined up against the walls were grouped up in the back right where I was supposed to enter from.
So my cue came and I started walking around the tables and I got past them and I tried going around these posts that hold the lights up, and I ended up tripping on a fucking sandbag.
My shoe got stuck because fuck you high heels and the director was just like "take a deep breath" and inside I was screaming "THAT DOESN'T FUCKING HELP BITCH STFU" but I got onstage and went on with the scene anyway.
So afterwards I went back downstairs to the library (dressing room) and I practically started crying because I've been trying to talk about this entrance with my director for weeks now and sHE STILL WON'T HELP ME WORK IT OUT
I've brought it up every time we've gone over notes and she's just like "okay we'll go over that privately" but we only have one more audience-less rehearsal and tomorrow is our one day off and WE STILL HAVEN'T STAGED THE FUCKING BOWS
I know I need to calm down about this, alright? I know I need to leave all this in her hands and trust that it's going to be okay, but that's literally impossible for me.
I'm the biggest perfectionist when it comes to this stuff. If someone is talking while the director is, I shush them, even though it's not my job. If someone says their line wrong, I get stressed because I know that it's wrong and it needs to be right. My director isn't saying anything that needs to be said about any of this. My mom says it's because she isn't worried about me because she knows I'll be fine, but that's the problem. She says I'll be fine, but I won't be. I can't direct myself for this particular thing. She's the director. She isn't directing. She's trusting that I'll be okay, but I need her fucking help. She needs to tell me the exact line when I need to start walking. I can't make a guess on my own. This is the millionth time we've discussed this, but she isn't paying attention to my words.
I'm just getting so annoyed with her. Like, stop focusing on your kid and how amazing she's doing and focus on someone else for a change, okay? I've directly stated the fact that this is a safety concern, but she says nothing. NOTHING.
I think I'm getting a little bit of extra stress from my mom right now, honestly. She's feeling bad because she's kind of being forced to take responsibility for other people's kids and she doesn't have a lot of time to focus on me. I did my makeup on my own today (I'm very proud of myself for that actually) and my dad had to help me with my dress which was super awkward. Her stress is rubbing off on me and it's not helping at all.
Thankfully, I don't have school tomorrow. I think I'm going to see Insurgent with my friend in the afternoon, and my mom is going to let me sleep till noon or some shit. I need a break from this so badly, however short it is.
