(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Shattered Dreams

Ten surgeons watched the healing scene unfolding in utter silence, each it might be said, with hope and faith in their hearts that the precious child would survive. All were surrounded by individual reflections. It could also be said that two of them were being simultaneously subjected to the screaming agony of despair.

Meredith stared into the distance. Derek watched visibly holding back his emotions.

He often experienced feelings of what was to come, and this was one of those moments, except immensely more profound, because as he continued to watch her, he had the deep rooted knowledge that she had retreated to a place he cannot reach.

Feelings couldn't match the bitter cold reality that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. One that would likely alter the course of his life, his dreams, his hopes. All shattered, he knew now without a doubt, as he had shattered hers.

He'd asked for a lifetime. He wanted to marry her, have kids with her, build a house, settle down and grow old with her, and she wasn't ready. But, she'd promised, she'd get ready. Minutes earlier today, with just five words, he had destroyed the small attempts and fragile progress she had been making, just as she had promised

Meredith stared into the distance. Without even looking at him, she could feel his eyes on her; willing her, almost, begging her to look his way, to acknowledge his presence. But with each second that passed she attempted, unsuccessfully, to retreat deeper into the numbing sensation of avoidance.

Conflicting emotions filled her thoughts, unable to dismiss the images and words that refused to be silenced.

"I can't do it anymore." Derek had uttered those five words, and her world came crashing down.

"Well neither can I," she replied and walked away, effectively putting into practice what she's always done best. Avoidance.

Unwilling and unable to consider looking at him, she stood a few feet away from Derek, too proud to let him see how deeply he'd hurt her. Her heart had ached, literally ached the moment he uttered those words. Immediately, she felt as though her heart had shattered into a tiny million pieces and if she were to look at him now, she wouldn't be able to avoid remembering the determination in his eyes, the defeated expression reflected in the knowledge that he was done.

The emotional distance between them was like an ocean, wave upon wave of emotions rolling in and increasing the rift within their hearts. If either had been asked what they were feeling, it was unlikely they would be able to utter a single word without breaking down. But, it was clearly evident they were barely able to breathe, both about to reach their breaking point and fall apart.

With a few words they had already managed to shatter dreams and hopes, while giving rise to fear. The fear of loosing each other, of having failed, and this was clearly and regrettably guiding the next steps in their relationship.

Their past, its symbolism, was surely to play a role in their lives in the hours and days ahead. But, at this precise moment in time, both could likely look back to the defining moment of their first break up, when Derek chose his wife, and say they felt a train wreck was heading their way and neither of their hearts would survive, because this time, it seemed that love was not enough.

Meredith and Derek waited, silently hoping against all reason that the other would reach out, but neither was capable of bridging the distance.

Meredith retreated further within as thoughts of their failed relationship and the last twenty four hours refused to be silenced, in fact screamed to be revisited.

Yesterday had started with the realization that she did not want Derek dating other people and she was determined to tell him, and felt good about it. Early morning sex in the on- call room had seemingly started the day on the right track, and she was going to tell him, except she waited, and before she knew it was faced with hours long of agonizing medical drama. Yesterday had been a horrible day, and then Derek had kissed Rose.

Today, she had asked him when he had kissed her, and he had dismissed it as unimportant. She knew it was not, and she was devastated.

"You can't trust anybody." Derek had accused while they argued. He was wrong, she trusted him, even if she did not verbalize it. She had trusted him.

Yesterday, in the early morning hours, they'd had sex in the on – call room, and she'd almost told him, but she waited, and now she knew the price she paid. He'd been tender and caring, and with a simple touch, running his hands through her hair as they parted ways, had made her feel safe in the knowledge he loved her.

Last night she had told him she didn't want him to date anyone else; that she was scared as hell to want him, but she did not want to lose him. He had wanted to say something, and she had stopped him; thinking it was wise to give him time to think about what she had said and not rush him, though she believed that was what he wanted.

Thinking about him kissing the nurse not only hurt, but made her angry, that he could even consider kissing someone else after he'd made love to her that morning.

She had trusted him. She had told him she would get ready, and she knew it was not as quickly as he wanted, but she was trying, he knew she was trying. Instead, he was giving up on them. He was giving up on her.

Devastatingly painful thoughts and emotions continued their refusal to be silenced. Hurt and anger led to disappointment and as in so many other times in her life; the feeling of abandonment once again.

They had called each other's bluff and the consequences took a life of their own, especially the hopelessness of Meredith's thoughts. Derek gave up on her after he had promised that he would always be there. Even if they fought and yelled, he would always be there. But now, he had broken his promise, just as she had known he would.

She had trusted him; believed him.

He broke his promise. He gave up. He left her. He chose someone else, again.

He'd promised he's always be there, but she should have been honest with herself. She was Meredith Grey, and people didn't stick around.

Meredith Grey was used to people giving up on her, or more precisely giving her up.

Thatcher had walked away when she was five. Ellis had never wanted her, and she knew it growing up, and then when she might have decided to sugar coat her childhood and pretend her mother had loved her, Ellis had shattered that picture, and in her ramblings about Richard, let Meredith know how much she regretted having a child. Then, to make sure Meredith would never forget, the one day she had been lucid, she had told her what a disappointment she was, how ordinary she had become.

Derek walking away should not be a surprise. But, it was. He had promised to be there, and she had needed to believe him. She had placed her trust in him, in spite of the times in the last year when he had broken his promise, when he had chosen not to be there for her. But, she had made excuses that it wasn't all entirely his fault, since she knew that she had not made things easy.

Though she felt like she was ready to fall apart, she tried to rationalize his actions to keep herself sane. He only did what everyone else had done in her life. What everyone that was supposed to love her had always done, they left her. She really should have known better, she had never been good enough for any of them. She'd always been a disappointment.

Meredith continued to stare into the distance. Yesterday had ended with hope of a future with Derek.

Today was turning out to be the worst day of her life. She loved Derek, she trusted him, he made her feel safe, but she had not told him and now it was too late.

Today was a horrible day. She had trusted him. She had let her guard down and believed that he could love someone like her. But, today, he too had found her lacking and walked away.

The minutes ticked by as if in slow motion while they waited for the healing of Bailey's son. But, it was not just Tuck that needed healing; to a keen observant, it would have been evident that all who were waiting needed to be emotionally healed as well. Each had a major stake in the ability to still believe that faith and love might indeed heal all wounds.