(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Broken Hearts Mended Part 2

"Derek, you're not going to lose me...not unless you keep doing this... not if we're really serious...about spending a lifetime together. We can't keep hurting each other with words we don't mean and are only a reflection of our fears an insecurities Derek...we need to get them out...once and for all and learn how to deal with it...it won't be easy but we have to try, I want to try ....because losing you is not an option...living my life without you is not an option."

"It isn't for me either," he said and brought her close to him, holding her tight.

"Then, we need to work on this...we need to talk to each other...no more keeping things bottled up," she told him.

"You're right, and I know I shouldn't have let things get so out of control, maybe we just need to keep each other in check...right away...when we say things that hurt the other."

"Then that's what we'll do," she said and kissed him softly.

"You were right," he told her, "it is important for us to have this conversation, to start our life ...our married life without unnecessary baggage."

"You think I'm baggage," she teased.

"Beautiful...exquisite baggage," he joked with her.

"Well...you're not necessarily a lightweight, you know," she teased back, but it did not have the same effect, and she noticed the slight hint of walls going up.

"I know."

"Derek...I'm teasing you..."

"Are you?"

"Yes, and I think tonight, it's about opening up and looking inside some of the contents we're carrying around...it doesn't mean we're getting rid of it...not until we're ready, or choose to get rid of some of it."

"Lots of analogies on this trip," he said, "animals...luggage...knights...and ..."

"Legends...most important of all legends..."

"I love you Meredith."

"And I love you...and that legend...that once upon a time...it's priceless."

"That's what you are to me," he told her with a soft smile.

"I know, you've proven that to me, over and over."

"We've quite a story to tell...one day..."

"We do, we will...and it all started with this, one kiss...one night that changed our lives," she said, and kissed him.

"It was one second, for me, just one second...when I saw you...the first time...it changed my life."

"That's the editing part...what we can't tell our kids about."

"We'll find a way," he said and they lost themselves in the memory of that night between laughter and kisses, tender caresses and whispered memories as they sipped exquisite vintage champagne.

"Derek, I don't think I've told you how much I love my ring," she said as she held her hand out, "I'd probably have told you to get something smaller, but it's beautiful."

He held her left hand and admired the ring, "I couldn't get anything smaller, you have long slender hands, and anything smaller would just get lost."

"Are you saying my hands are too big," she teased him.

"I think you have beautiful hands...perfect hands...I would not want any other hands but yours...on me..."

"Who said something about being a tease..." she giggled.

"Gutter mind."

"Must be Mark's influence," she giggled as she held her flute to his lips for a drink.

"If he ever gets engaged we'll have to reciprocate."

"If he ever gets engaged, we'll get him two bottles of this reserve," she joked.

"Maybe we'll just put aside our cut of the betting pool," he joked and they both laughed and cuddled with each other.

"Derek..."

"Uhmmm."

"Tonight...on the gondola, even Salvatore noticed you were sad..."

"Meredith..."

"You were Derek...and I know what you told me...but you've been ...I don't know, a little distant since we left home...on the flight...especially when you spoke of your father...please, share that with me."

He took a deep breath, "it's...not that important...I told you...it had been a long time, since I had talked to him."

"Which makes it so very important," she said and caressed his face, feeling a day's growth of stubble, "I'm going to share many things with you...won't you trust me...with your feelings too."

He held her close to him for several minutes, his embrace transmitting his need of her before he spoke, "I used to talk to him all the time, when he was first gone...then...it just became a void in my life that I knew would never be filled again..."

His arms were wrapped around her and she snuggled closer to him as she held his hand and gently squeezed, allowing him the time to gather his thoughts.

"Then...as we got older, Mark and I as we became men...he was like my brother, someone I trusted, we talked...and in some ways, I felt as though if I had my Dad, we'd have talked about similar things...the three of us...but at least Mark and I had each other, that male connection that I'd been missing since my Dad was gone...and just as my Dad had left that void, Mark betrayed me...and there was the void in my life again."

"Oh...Derek...I'm sorry...I don't mean to bring up those bad memories..."

"It's ok," he whispered against her ear, "I think it's good...it's good to talk about it...so you see...why I don't have a lot of male friends, I've always known it was just me...I was on my own."

"We had that in common," she said, and he would later fully understand its meaning.

"But...now, you and Mark."

"We're ok now...we are...he's shown me he cares by how he's treated you."

"He loves you Derek."

"Yeah...I think he does."

"You love him too, or it would not have hurt so much...his betrayal."

"You're right...I was angry you know, for a long time..."

"But it's good right, that you and Mark are ok again."

"No...not with Mark...with my Dad...for abandoning us," he said, "I've never admitted that to anyone in my life."

"He didn't choose to Derek...he died, he had no control," she said turning around and faced him.

"Did you? Meredith, did you have no control?"

She gasped, "are you asking me...if I purposely gave up?"

"Yes."

"What do you think?"

"In my heart...I have to believe you wanted to live."

"I did," she said as her eyes filled with tears, "I did...for you."

"What does that mean?"

"What do you think it means Derek?"

"I don't know...and I want to understand...I do...I was so angry with you...at the same time I was scared I could lose you again, I was so angry with you...for giving up."

It was hard to hear him say that, but she knew it was the only way they would ever have a chance at healing, at confronting their issues and try to accept and understand the other's feelings.

"Is that what you told your dad? When we were flying here ...and then...tonight, were you still angry with me?"

"Yes and no."

"Tell me."

"I know that bringing Addie up is not what we should be doing tonight, but you asked...and what I told my Dad was how ashamed I was of the way I'd acted. You know, he and Mom had taught me to be honorable and I'd failed...for many years I'd forgotten, and when I found you ...instead of being honorable...I lied to you...I should have ended things with her before asking you to accept me on faith...I betrayed you, just like I'd been betrayed," he told her.

"I understood Derek, well, I understand now, not at the time, but I think you were trying to do the honorable thing trying to save your marriage, living up to your vows even though she'd broken them."

"You were my breath of fresh air, you saved me, and had I been honorable I'd have been honest with you from the start."

"We can't change that...maybe...just maybe all of that was supposed to happen for us to be here tonight."

"You're too forgiving."

"Would you prefer that I hold a grudge? It does not do any good Derek, I've had to learn that in my life."

"What do you mean?"

"Sometimes we have to do things...because of responsibilities...and loyalty, I understand."

"You're talking about your Mother," he said.

"I am."

"I hate what she did to you."

"She was my Mother. Derek she did the best she could."

"She did not...she didn't take care of you...till the end...she didn't..." he said with intense emotion.

"Please...don't hate her...I forgave her, I forgave her for everything," she said with resigned sigh.

They remained quiet for several minutes before she spoke again, "I don't think you told your dad you were angry with him, that was not the look on your face."

"No. I didn't."

"Am I going to have to pull teeth?"

"It's not easy ...talking about this..."

"Tell me about it," she tried to joke, "you're dealing with the queen of avoidance."

"What did your friends say I was...the king of denial?" he laughed.

"Uh huh...that's us..." she smiled and kissed him softly, "that was us..."

"I told him I missed him...that I wish he could be proud of me...he and Mom, that Kathleen still talked to him and I hoped he was listening to me..."

"I'm sure he was Derek...I believe he was..." she reassured him.

"Mostly I told him about you..."

"Me..."

"How I had failed you..."

"Oh...Derek...no...."

"I asked him to pray for me...for us...because lately I realized how important it was to remember I could reach out...just as he and Mom told me and pray, and that a I hoped God would listen because I needed for Him to watch out for you...for you to heal...even if that means not being with you..."

"Derek..." she gasped.

"I need for you to be ok, Meredith," he said, " I can't live with the thought of you giving up again...of losing you...I told him I may not be enough for you...but if that's the case I only want you to be happy...I do...even if my life will never be the same again, even if I have to live my life alone with a void like him, that nothing or no one can ever replace...I need to know you are going to be ok," he said with a broken sob, "I told him...I needed his help in facing my fears...understanding all that I'm keeping inside...but I don't know how to deal with it...and that I can't live without you."

"Derek...you're not," she said, as she cried as well, "you're not going to lose me...I promise you....I didn't give up....I didn't... I came back for you," she said as they both held on to each other and cried out their greatest fear, that of losing the other until countless tears were spent.

"I love you, Meredith...you're what makes me whole...and I keep failing you."

"You have not...you have not failed me...Derek...we can't change the past...but since we've been together, Derek... these past weeks...when we made a commitment truly to each other, you have not failed me..."

"How can you say that...you weren't sure we were ready to be married."

"Derek Christopher," she glared at him, yet he saw the softness in her eyes, "you are not seriously going to go there again...not after all we've talked about tonight."

"No...no...I'm not, you're right, we jumped to stupid conclusions."

"Well, you did it first," she joked in an attempt to lighten the mood if only briefly.

"I guess I did," he agreed. "You knew...on the plane, that you wanted to talk about this, didn't you, even when you said yes, when I proposed, you were going to talk about this."

"Yes...I knew that this trip, we'd have to talk about it."

"Why?"

"I already told you, because nothing is more important to me than us, our relationship, making this work and I knew we could not put off this conversation any longer."

"It's a little embarrassing you know," he admitted.

"What is?" she smiled.

"That I'm supposed to be the older mature partner in this relationship..."

"Derek..." she smiled, "but...there's consensus...you're a bit brainless," she said catching him off guard, and they both laughed.

"The abuse heaped upon me..."

"Uh huh..."

"Meredith, do you really believe that my Dad...that he heard me?"

"Oh yes...just like I know they are watching over us...Derek...like Brianna, in my dream."

"You're going to have to tell Mom and Kathleen."

"I am...as soon as I see them."

"I love you Meredith...please show me...show me how I can be the man you can be proud of and trust again."

"I am already proud of you...and I have placed my trust in you...completely...saying yes...to your proposal...and yes...to us getting married in Venice...that is my answer to that."

"I don't deserve you."

"But I deserve you, my knight ..." she giggled, "and Derek...we are meant to be together, don't ever forget it."

"I love you," he said again as his mouth found hers and their kiss was yet another layer was added to broken hearts continuing on their healing journey.

"Do you remember," she said quietly, as she was nestled in his arms, "the day...the morning...I got the call...about my mother?"

"I do," he said and she felt his body become rigid.

"What do you remember?"

"We'd come home the night before, had fast, hot sex...our clothes strewn all over the room, we couldn't wait to be with each other, and then...it was a sunny morning, we'd woken up and made love ever so slowly...and fallen asleep again, then we woke up wanting each other again...naked in each other's arms...and interrupted when the phone rang...and you left."

"I wish...so often... I wish I had not gotten that call...that she'd remained ...that she'd never had that day being lucid," she murmured and he turned to face her, and he saw the tears in her eyes before she continued talking.

"I got to the nursing home," she said, as she bit her lower lip, and her voice cracked, "and actually...actually began to hope...that maybe...just maybe...I would have my mother again," she said and broke down, "that we could make up...for the years we lost...that she'd see what I'd accomplished and for once be proud of me."

"I wish...I wish I could take that pain away from you," he said as he simply held her.

"It was dumb and foolish...but I'd hoped...and she remembered our fight, but you know that already...and that I'd gone to Europe...but that was it...and then we had to take her to the hospital."

"You realize...your fight...some of the things she said...it was probably just a reflection of her disease, as it was starting..." he tried to appease.

"Yeah...I could have believed that...except ...that day...she once again told me what she thought of me..."

"Meredith...she was sick..."

"No Derek. I've forgiven her, but I have not forgotten what she said, her words, because she meant them."

"She hurt you that day...and I hated her for it."

"So did I...and that was my last conversation with her...how she felt about me...and then...how I felt about her," she said as tears slipped down her cheeks.

"You did nothing wrong," he said, "listen to me...you were a better daughter then she deserved."

"She was my mother...Derek...and I tried...to take care of her, but even my mother, after all those years didn't love me, and I was still a disappointment."

"It was her loss, Meredith...that she didn't recognize what a very special woman you turned out to be. A woman any mother would be proud of."

"Except my mother," she said, "well and I'm not so sure Derek, that a lot of mothers would have been proud of a slutty...lusty intern, that used tequila and men to avoid the shit her life had been."

"Look at me," he said roughly, forcing her to look in his eyes.

"It's what I was..."

"You did what you had to do to survive, you survived her lack of affection and attention, you were a child left on her own...and look at what you've accomplished...and I am very proud of you...very proud and honored that you are willing to share my life."

"You see...my prince charming...ready to say the right things."

"I'm only speaking the truth."

"I wish...I had told you I loved you...I told her you know...but it was you I needed to tell."

"You told her...that you loved me?"

"Yeah..."

"You didn't tell me that..."

"No...only what she'd said to me."

"Talk to me...tell me about it," he asked.

"I told her I was happy, that I knew who I was and that having someone in my life that I loved...really loved...that made me happy..."

"You loved me..."

"I've loved you forever..." she said, and felt his lips on hers.

"I hated her for what she did to you that day...I knew she'd destroyed your spirit...I'm sorry...that I didn't take care of you...that I wasn't there for you."

"But you were...Derek...you were," she said and brought her hand to cup his face, "I just didn't...I didn't know how to handle...how to handle someone loving me, not after what she'd said...my own mother...all I was to her...was a disappointment...an ordinary...worthless daughter in her eyes."

"You," he said and held back his own tears, "are and have always been extraordinary...don't ever forget it...because...that is all I see when I look at you."

"Derek...that day..." she cried, "I wish...God...how I wish had never happened, it screwed me up...so bad...so much...and I almost ...I almost lost you."

"But you didn't...and I didn't lose you...and now...from now on...Meredith...we will do this together."

"I went back...you know...and I argued with her, fought for her to have the surgery...I didn't want her death to be something I was responsible for...and then I went back...it was too late...I said all these things to her...and I meant them Derek, she was my mother...my mother that only felt disappointment...and I told her ... I wanted another chance...for her to be better...for us to now each other.. Derek, I wanted her to be my mother...I didn't want her to die."

"I know that...Meredith... I know that..."

"Why Derek...why is it that no one...not one person that should have loved me...my mother...my father...why didn't they love me enough ..."

"Because they were selfish, self absorbed individuals...that didn't bother to look at the beautiful gift they had been given...but...I love you....I love you more than life itself...and I promise you...I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know that."

"Why...why do you bother..." she cried, "when....they didn't... and you...you...I wasn't enough for you either...I understood Addison...but Rose...Derek...you asked Rose out after you said I was the love of your life...that same night Derek...that same night...am I an obligation...because...if I am...I can't...I can't be that for you, I'm sorry...I didn't want to bring that up again...but tonight...it's just...all those feelings...those insecurities are there..."

"You...are not an obligation to me...I thought you knew that by now...but...obviously I haven't...I haven't done enough to prove that to you."

"It's not that...I'm sorry...it's just...Derek...my mother...she told me...she said, she'd wished she'd never had me..."

"Oh good God," he blurted out, "no...Meredith...no...she did not mean that...I know she didn't...she couldn't mean that...she was sick...she didn't know..."

"She knew...she wanted Richard...I was in the way of her happiness...she meant it, and she was my mother...so I could understand...if you...if you wanted to wait...now."

"Listen to me...and pay close attention...memorize my words..." he begged her, "I am here...because you are what makes my life whole...what makes heart skip a beat when I see you...across a room...when you're in my presence...you are the woman that makes me believe in lifetimes and soul mates...and having children together...and wanting only to make your dreams come true...because my soul feels fulfilled when you are with me...even if you are just in my arms...my life feels complete...because I have never felt what I feel with you...because...now I believe God has not forgotten me...and he answered my prayers...when you found it in your heart to forgive me...and because...I believe deep in my heart...that you love me...and that gives my life hope...and makes me want to live and get up each day just so I can look in your eyes...and see that you...have found me...worthy to love...and you are a gift I did not deserve."

"We're quite a mess ...together... but a mess... aren't we?"

"We are together, because we love each other...and everything else... we'll just find the way to fix it."

"You really believe that?"

"I know it without any doubts."

"Derek...I think I need something more to drink..." she said, and he smiled, silently acknowledging he too needed a drink to continue their conversation and filled her flute, and she added as if reading his mind, "to finish this conversation."

"Do you want to go to sleep...we can talk again tomorrow."

"No...Derek...I don't want to wait...it's been too long already. I want to put this behind us, once and for all. Please."

"That's what we'll do..." he said and kissed her forehead.

"Are you mad at me?"

"No...I love you...and I wish I could do...could have done something to take away your pain."

"You did...Derek...you were there for me that night...you understood."

"I didn't help...if I remember...by telling you...reinforcing..."

"You understood I'd had a terrible childhood...and you were right...and you kissed me...and it made the world right again..."

"But it wasn't enough Meredith...that night...it wasn't enough...because..." he paused taking a deep breath, "it wasn't enough...I didn't take care of you."

"You were enough...I didn't let you ...I pushed you away..."

"She had destroyed you...I recognize that now...but I swear...I didn't ...I had no idea how devastated you were that morning, but I should have...I should have been there...insisted you get the day off...and you wouldn't ...you wouldn't have been there, near the water..." he said as he took several deep gulps of air..

"Nothing would have changed Derek...I don't think anything would have changed..."

"You would no have drowned, if I had insisted you take the day off... you would not have been anywhere near that ferry...near the water."

"Derek...that morning, I'm sorry...about the things I said...you ...you were my knight...I should have let you rescue me."

"Oh...how I wish you had..." he said and hugged her.

"We can't go back...Derek...and now...now...I want to believe...in that happily ever after...even if I know...it's not like that all the time...I want to believe in those moments of happiness...as we build our life together."

"We will have that...and I'm sure that whatever life has in store for us...from now on...we will have our fairy tale Meredith...we will...we've already survived the worst...I believe that...I believe that with all my heart."

"The love of legends..." she told him, "you promised."

"I promised."

"Derek...I did not try to drown myself in the bathtub...or later..."