(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Final Goodbye

Derek and Meredith faced each other, two lovers, agonizing over the possibility they had reached their final battle and lost.

"Why?"

"Why?" she asked him, not sure what he meant.

"Why do you need me?" he asked and she met his gaze, understanding in that second that his question was as important as hers had been.

"Why do I need you?"

"Yes," he said as she saw him take a deep breath, and when she didn't answer, he continued, "needing someone may not be enough. What do you want?"

"I do...I do need you."

"You still haven't answered why," he said and looked at her with deep sadness in his voice. "You see... I can answer that without having to think about it. I need you and want you, because I love you. But, you hesitate, and then you wonder why I have doubts."

"I'm not hesitating," she answered defensively and immediately softened, "I need you, and I've already told you... I don't want to imagine my life without you... but, I'm scared that we may not be able to make it... Derek, it feels...sometimes...since this all began...it feels that we may not make it...and when you tell me you don't know... I have to wonder, if maybe...maybe... this is just not going to work out... Derek...that maybe...it's time for our final break...before we hurt each other anymore...and this...these feelings we've shared, just turn to something...something bad... and instead of pretending ...we need to admit to each other that it might not work," she said as she paused, and a sob escaped her, "maybe...we have to give up...and if you want...if you think...it's over...before...we hurt each other anymore...we should have one final kiss...our final break up sex...and good bye..."

He had not expected that, and he needed to compose himself before he answered, his voice hoarse and deep raw emotion in every word.

"You," he paused, and turned away slightly before meeting her gaze again, "you believe I've been pretending...you think it's over...after all you and I have shared, have talked about ...cried about the last few days... when I thought we might be on our way...to making things work...you believe we should have a final..." he stopped, to choked up to continue, "final good-bye. Is that what you want, is that what you see for us?"

"I don't know what I want...yet I do... I do know, but we keep hurting each other, our words keep hurting each other."
"I didn't... I don't expect you to tell me you love me...maybe that will be my ... that will be my punishment for all I have hurt you...though deep in my heart... up until a few seconds ago, I hoped one day, you would want to say those words to me again... to feel I've earned them. But, right now, after all you've said, which I gather you've thought about it plenty...if you can look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me...that you can't love me again... that there's no more hope left that you ever will... then, I will walk away...and never bother you again."

Unbearable, impenetrable silence enveloped them, bringing to the surface all the doubts and fears of their relationship, until he heard her choked out sob.

"I can't... I can't..." she said without meeting his gaze.

He stood facing her as shock and despair washed over him, unable to believe they'd reached the end, yet, somehow he had to find the strength to answer her.

"Then you're right, the time has come for our final goodbye. But this is it, I'm gone, no more anything between us, no talk, no kiss, no sex, nothing, it's over," he told her, but didn't see a look of surprise in her face. "I won't cheapen what I feel for you, what I know you felt for me one day...with ...with....what you're suggesting...this is it Meredith," he told her as his eyes filled with tears of pain and rejection, "I walk away, and this it," he said, and turned grabbing his scattered clothing and began to walk to the bathroom to change.

"What," she muttered in confusion, " walking away...didn't you hear me...Derek, why...why are you saying this," she continued and immediately realizing how he had interpreted her answer, quickly rushed over to stop him, "NO... Derek, no... I didn't mean...I don't mean I can't...that I can't love you....I mean that I can't tell you I don't love you..."

She had reached him and pulled on his arm to stop him from entering her bathroom, forcibly turning him around to face her.

"You know ... Derek... I know you do... you know that I can't tell you I don't love you."

Their reaction of relief was immediate, and both reached out for each other simultaneously. He held her close and whispered, "Oh God, Meredith," he paused, choking back tears, "I thought...I thought I had lost you again."

"You're not going to lose me...Derek, you're not going to lose me...not unless you push me away or walk away."

"Then, if that's true...you're stuck with me... you owe me that lifetime...and I'm not going to let you give up on that...you promised me...you would get ready...and I'm going to hold you to that, Meredith...no turning back..."

"No turning back, but, you were going to leave... tonight... you were going to leave..."
"But I wasn't giving up... I didn't think it made sense to stay when you didn't want me... but I wasn't giving up... only retreating to plan my strategy."

"I'm a strategy now..."

"You're the most important thing in my life... I've never wanted to fight for anything as much as I want to fight to earn your trust and love again."

"You know... you haven't lost it completely...it's just it wavers...and then you say things like I don't know..."

"Let's talk about it."

"We've been doing so much talking, and Derek, it just seems that some times we misunderstand each other more than..."

"We just need to make sure we don't walk away with misunderstandings...we'll need to commit to that...not to be angry or disappointed and walk away and avoid the issues, but really try to communicate."

"Can we do that, do you think we can?"

"Yes, we'll just need to keep each other honest about this."

"I'm not giving up Derek."

"Neither am I."

"Then this is it. No more avoiding."

"This is it."

"No time like the present. Why did you say you didn't know?"

"It was not a simple yes or no answer."

"It should have been," she challenged.

"Maybe...think about it. Meredith, we both have issues, and I'm beginning to understand I've been trying to place all that blame on you, that you're not ready, that you avoid, that you push me away, but I have issues as well, and I haven't even begun to identify them."

"Derek, that is true, but it doesn't answer my question."

"I'm getting to it, come on, let's sit down," he said as he reached her hand and pulled her along to sit on the side of her bed.
"To me, it was very simple...If I had told you that morning, would you have kissed her...yes or no."

"Meredith, the only answer I could give was the one I did."

"Derek... repeating the same thing, is not going to help the situation ...it's not going to help dig your way out of this ...not when I think the answer should have been no."

"I could have said no, and I would have been lying."

She gasped, and pulled a bit away from him.

He reached for her, "do not pull away, we're going to deal with our issues, as they come, head on."

"You're right, not pulling away."

"For months, we have been playing games, and wait, I don't mean about our feelings, about us making love... not that it's just sex. But, you have attempted it to make it that, though I do know it's not how you feel... nonetheless, I have doubts too...and when you walk away, all of them come back...and it's not easy to push them away."

"So you're saying, you would have kissed her regardless... you wanted to?"

"I could not answer no, because the way it happened, and I've already told you this, was not planned nor was I looking for it, and had it happened the same way, I might have kissed her just like I did."

He saw her starting to pull back, and reached for her hand.

"If I had said yes, I would have been a total ass, because I would have been throwing something at your face, that wasn't true either, Because, you know what... Meredith, if you had told me... I'm not sure if I would have believed you..."

"What!" she said and this time did pull away, in fact, got up from the bed, and he got up and followed her.

"If you had told me that morning, after we made love, I would have been the happiest man alive, and then the minute you walked away, because you would have, I 'd have all those doubts that never leave me, creeping in... did you mean that... why is she saying this now...is it going to be just like Addison, that she too finds it's not enough...that I can't be enough for her, and I go back to thinking about the day I came home and found my wife and my best friend in the throes of passion."

"Why the hell would you think that? You stupid moron, I have not give in you any reason to think that way?"

"We both have issues Meredith, you just are more aware of yours than I am," he admitted for the first time even to himself.

"But, I have never given you reason to doubt my ...I've always been faithful to you, I'm not the one that wanted to date."

"You're right, you weren't the one that wanted to date. In my eyes, I just wasn't good enough for you to want to try for me. Do you think months of throwing S & M in my face aren't enough to doubt? Meredith...you have spent months of not wanting to commit, I'm not sure I would have believed...finally, what I desperately wanted from you was going to come true. That's why I said that..."

"That's not a convincing answer, it's not enough."

"You know what the real answer is." he looked at her intensely, cocking his head to the side and she was mesmerized and lost in that McDreamy look, "the real answer is, that if you had told me that morning, there's no way in hell I would have wanted to let you leave after that...and no I would not have kissed her, but if I had said that, then in a way I'd be putting the burden back on you. Saying, implying, well, it was your fault, I kissed her, because if you had told me, then I wouldn't have kissed her, and I didn't want to do that. Because, I think we're done with that right now... it's not a matter of blame... it happened, it's over... and no one, no one has ever made me feel the way you do..."

"So...if I had told you...you would not have been tempted...you would not have wanted to kiss her.''

"I did not want to kiss her...it happened. And yes, if you had told me...I would have been ecstatic...and would have wanted to take you away and spend the rest of they day making love to you, showing you how much I love you and how much I want to earn back your trust and love... and probably, I would have shown you the plans...but I'd have taken you there and made love to you there... an the place I'd picked for our home."

She looked at him wanting to trust him, hoping she was not misplacing her trust, while he continued.

"Don't you understand, that the way I feel about you...the way I love you... I don't have to kiss you, I don't have to hold you, all I need is to look at you and know that my world is complete."

"You would have said all those things... if I hadn't walked out , after I asked you... if I hadn't left to go downstairs?"

"Yes."