(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

"I love you..."

Derek drove at break-neck speed, and though he was only a couple of minutes at most behind her, she'd driven faster and had already made her way indoors when he arrived at her house.

Without wasting time, he rushed to the front door and did not hesitate to use his key and run up the stairs. He stood in front of her door, this time hesitating a few seconds before placing his hand on the doorknob, afraid she might have locked it, accurately guessing that he would follow her. Turning it slowly, he breathed easier when the door opened.

He saw her immediately, sitting on the chair by the window, her body rigid, except for the gentle soothing motion of her fingers, as though she were caressing the small piece of unidentifiable white material held in her hands.

She looked up, averting his gaze, staring beyond him, and stopped her motion, placing whatever she was holding inside the bag that had been on her lap.

He approached her, crouching in front of her, "Meredith..."

She refused to look at him, keeping her gazed fixed on the wall.

"Meredith," he said softly, "please let me explain," and saw the involuntary shudder, and reached for her hands, only to have her remove them from his grasp as though she'd been burned.

"Don't touch me."

"Meredith," he insisted, "I'm not going to walk away."

"I don't care what you do."

"Yes, you do, or you would not have left."

"Don't kid yourself Derek. I already told you. You will not have the chance to hurt me again."

"I am not going to hurt you again."

"We agree, you will not have the chance. Please leave."

"I'm not leaving, Meredith, we agreed."

"What did we agree to, Derek, just what was that?"

"Meredith, please...we agreed we would not push each other away... that we wouldn't let that happen."

"Time ran out Derek...I told you, if anything else happened with that woman, we were over."

"Nothing happened. I know you don't mean that, Meredith not after all we've shared the last few days."

"But I do," she paused, and he could see her fighting back tears, "especially because of that. It's over Derek, this thing between us. It's over."

He wanted her to rant and rave, to yell at him and call him names, anything but the monotone and the impenetrable wall of steel again. But this time, it scared him, because the distancing he could see in her eyes, the cold empty look, the detachment in her voice were similar to that fateful morning of the day she drowned.

"If you think," he said softly, repositioning himself in the uncomfortable crouching position in front of her, "for one minute, that I'm going to let you throw it all away, what we've shared over the last few days, then you don't know me...you don't know how much I am willing to do not to lose you."

"That's where you're wrong. I already know the answer to that...and obviously it's not much. You managed to find the perfect way to end this and feel free to pursue your nurse, and I guess you called my bluff again."

He was incredulous, but knew it may be best to think carefully before responding.

"Meredith, nothing happened, I have no interest in her, I was only trying to protect you."

"Protect me," she said sarcastically, "you seriously expect me to believe that."

"I do because it's the truth, and you... we have to start trusting each other."

"Trust..." she said coldy at first, "trust..." she said again, her words becoming angrier, "trust...." she said looking him straight in the eyes, "you have the unmitigated gall to talk to me about trust..."

"Yes. Yes, I do, because until we start trusting each other..."

"Don't..." she said, and the chill in her voice made him flinch, "don't, ever speak to me of trust again...you...you have tested every ounce of trust I have ever allowed myself to feel...you have lied to me and walked away from me, and still I have trusted you, which you always conveniently forget...you..." she said, pushing him away, almost knocking him on the floor and getting up, walking away then turning around with fire in her yes.

"Meredith...please, don't make yourself upset...think of..."

"Think of what Derek..." she said, having regained a sense of outrage, "what is there that could be so important for me to think about... now..."

He was trying to be being patient, accepting she was upset and as it always seemed to happen, he had apparently been quite stupid in trying to keep something from her, even if his intention had been to spare her any embarrassment. But, he could see the wheels turning and didn't like the tone or implication of her last statement, because they both knew they were talking about the possibility that she was pregnant.

"Please, Meredith, please don't say anything we will regret..."

"My only regret is trusting you...over and over again, I seem to be stupid enough to fall for your lies every time..." her voice was getting stronger and louder, "your meaningless words, always followed by a but....yes, Derek, that's what you do...damn you...all your promises are always followed by a but...and I'm through with it, it's over...I don't want any part of you...none at all...it's over...and I want you out of my life...you got what you wanted..."

"Meredith...I know you're upset...but I also know you don't mean any of that..."

"Do you...do you know I don't mean that...well, then as you said, you don't know me very well either, because I mean every word of it Derek, every single word...you accuse me of everything being my fault for where we are... of not trusting you...but it's not true...I have...I believed in you...and you always manage to make me regret it... did you conveniently forget when you told me you didn't know what you'd do if you found someone else...well, I guess now you do...because tonight you managed to make everything between us meaningless and... "
.
He reached out to her, "I know you're angry, and I understand," he said placing his hand on her arm, "but, do not...do not make light of what we have shared together...of what could possibly be our future..."

She laughed, "funny, you should think of that now...is that what you were thinking about...us...our future...when you chose to walk out with her..."

"Meredith, don't do this...I love you...you know I do..."

"You love me...right...that's why you did exactly what I asked you not to do...why Derek, why would you do that...I walk away three minutes and you're gone... tonight in front of everyone, Derek..." she broke down, "you...in front of everyone....choosing her again..."

"I did not... Meredith, I did not, you can ask..."

"It doesn't matter," again her mood changing, and sounding dejected, "you walked out with her, it's what everyone saw...poor pathetic Meredith Grey, kissing you, being happy and she turns her back...and there you are... walking out with her..."

"Meredith, she was making a scene...I was trying to protect you..."

"I don't care...you should have been there...been there when I came back to the table, instead you walked out with her and had your arm around her... and you promised...you promised that would never happen again...that I'd never be made to feel like I did...but you never think of me first..."

"I was thinking of you first...I was wrong...but...I wanted to..."

She took a deep breath, and continued almost inaudibly, "you asked me for a lifetime, and told me you'd wait for me...you wanted a lifetime... but I wasn't worth waiting for...I wasn't good enough... twice..." she whispered, "twice, you chose someone else over me, and now...Derek...today, of all days...you didn't think of me...us... first..."

He reached out to hold her, but she rejected his touch.

"Every time...every time I take a chance...and open my heart to you...you hurt me...and I can't...I can't do it anymore...and I really want to hate you...I do...but... I love you...I do...I must...must love you so much...because the way I feel... the way I felt...when I saw you with your arms around her..." she paused...and he saw her choke back tears, "it all came back...all my doubts and fears...knowing... I came back... for you.... Derek, I came back for you... and then you moved on...you didn't wait for me...I wasn't good enough for you to wait... and he... he.. said... you believed in soul mates... and I believed him... I believed him...that you... you... were my soul mate... but now... now... I wish I had not come back... because... what I feel now... is surely worse than dying...because... then... I was already gone... but now... especially now... each time I think of you, each time I see you...and I think you have doubts...maybe you want someone else...maybe I'm...we...I'm not enough...it's like dying a little bit at a time...and maybe...it was better...it would have been better..."

He was stunned. What had he done... she can't mean what she's saying... she can't wish she had died. His worst fears were materializing in front of him. He had made yet another wrong choice, and she was now bringing up the drowning, something she'd only brought up once, and it scared the hell out of him, because he had a bad feeling, a very bad feeling that things had just began a course that could not be diverted.

"Meredith...you can't...you can't mean that..."

"I can't bear the thought of you.... you ...you've kissed her...your lips have been on hers... you wanted to kiss her, maybe it's your doubts ...doubts about what you want...that you want to touch her...and kiss her and make love to her the way you've made love to me...dark and twisty Meredith isn't what you want...and tonight...you walked out...and touched her...and I don't care why...but you touched her, just as you touch me...everything between us...Derek...you sullied that...this morning Derek...you ...we...we had hope...and plans...we had plans..."

"We still have plans...and I don't feel any of those things, I love you...I love only you... and you are forgetting...we may very well have more than just you and me to think about," he tried to incorporate gently, not wanting to upset her further in her current emotional state.

"That doesn't matter...not anymore..."

"Meredith...you don't mean that...it's....it would be our baby..."

"Don't worry about it, it's not a concern...not anymore..."

"What exactly does that mean,?"

"That it isn't your concern...not anymore... we...if there's a we...we won't be your concern much longer."

"Meredith," he attempted to reach out for her again, "we promised each other...we would work things out...we would talk to each other...you need to let me explain, tonight, the only reason..."

"Our last kiss...Derek...this morning...all of it...it just feels like a lie...and it hurts...and I know maybe I'm irrational...I do...but the pain...it's still there...and the betrayal, the slap in the face, yes, it feels that way...you touching her...I can't...I don't want to feel that anymore."

"I'm not ...I'm not going to let you dismiss me...we love each other..."

"This thing between us is over. Please, leave."

"I'm not leaving...I'm not letting you push me away, we're going to work through this...I'm not giving up on our future together...I know you don't..."

"You are leaving, because I don't want to be with you now...not anymore."

"Meredith...please..."

"Don't make me regret any more...don't make truly remember ...that....sometimes I wish I had joined my mother."

"You don't...you don't...mean that..." he said in desperation and horrified at the way her thoughts had turned.

"I do...mean that...all I've had in my life...since thhen...it's pain and doubts...and what was it all worth coming back for?"

"No...no... please not that, don't tell me that...I'll walk away, I will... I won't ever bother you again. But please," he pleaded, tears in his eyes, " Meredith...you need to be ok...tell me you're ...you're not...you're not thinking..."

"Don't worry," she interrupted... "I'm not diving into Puget Sound..."

He felt as though he'd been slapped, whereas they'd never discussed her drowning, now she spoke of it in such a callous way, he feared for her emotional state, but knew he could not push her, it was likely due to her highly hormonal state, but nonetheless, all she had said was great cause for concern. Worse of all, she had made it clear he was not needed or wanted.

"Don't even joke..."

"Who says I've been joking."

"Meredith, I'm walking away...I am....I'll leave you alone...I won't ever bother you again...if that's what you want.... I will ,but please...I need to know...I need to know you're going to be ok...you...you need to promise me that...Meredith...I know you love me...I do...and I know we haven't managed to end tonight as we expected...but, promise me you're going to be all right...we...we..." he paused, and she heard the broken sob, "we may be having a baby...or not..."

"You don't have to worry about that anymore..."

"Yes...I do...I worry about you...about you both...if there is...you have to take care of yourself...I'll stay away, if that's what you need... but my life...knowing you are not in my life...it's just an empty shell, but...I won't push you...I'll wait...I'll wait till you tell me when it's ok to walk back in...because I'm not giving up...I'm giving you a little time...and I promise you... every promise I've ever made...I promise you again now, and I'll do everything I can... spend the rest of my life...trying not to ever let you down."

"I can't...not now...please leave."

It was probably fair to say, both the conversation and emotions each had expressed were totally irrational, and each was hiding between a wall of need, a desperate need for each other, for the right word, the right touch, the right combination of hearts open to one another. But, all had gone wrong, in this communication nothing had gone right, in spite of the deep rooted feelings each had for the other, they had failed to communicate the truth of their hearts, and each would spend the night in silent suffering, unable to understand where it had all gone so wrong.

He dialed a familiar number. "Sloan."

"Mark, is Lexie still there?"

"Shep, what the hell is wrong," he asked, immediately understanding something was. "Did you talk to her?"

"Yes. It's not good, not right now. I need to talk to Lexie, I need for her to come stay with her."

"Are you sure? Not...Yang?"

"No, I'm sure. Is she still there, I don't have her cell, I need to talk to her."

"Yes, hang on," he said and pulled Lexie to the side, handing her his phone.

Derek Shepherd was a broken man. He sat in silence in his car, waiting for Lexie to arrive, holding it all together until the moment he could just break down.

Lexie arrived shortly, and walked over to him, where he was now standing, leaning against his car.

"Derek, what's wrong, what happened, didn't you talk to her?"

"I did, she won't listen, she doesn't want to hear anything I have to say."

"I'll talk to her."

"No, it's ok. Listen, Lexie, she needs you tonight, we...we had a conversation that did not go very well, and she can't be alone, I don't want her to be alone."

"You're just walking away," she challenged, "I thought the two of you had managed to get past the miscommunication..."

"Not tonight. No, I'm not walking away, it's what she wants, I'm giving her what she wants."

"You give up easily Derek...why aren't you fighting for this?"

"I'm not giving up, but right now, I can't push her, she's fragile Lexie, and vulnerable, and I'm worried about her health?"

"What's wrong, what did you find out?"

"Nothing...nothing yet, but I'm worried about her, right now more about her emotional state."

"Derek, are you suggesting..."

"Just be there for her tonight...please."

"You promise me, you're not giving up?"

"I'm just giving her time."

"Derek," she said, witnessing the deep sadness in his eyes, "I'm sorry."

"She needs you, go on."

"I'm sure... I know it will all work out."

"Thanks...but, I'm not so sure this time."

"It will Derek... I know it will."

"Thank you," he said and kissed her cheek, "she's lucky to have you."

"You're lucky to have each other. Everything I'm sure will be different in the morning."

"Lexie, if she'll listen...just tell her...tell her, I love her...that I'm going to wait."

She walked in the house and went to knock slightly on Meredith's door, and at hearing no response, this time walked in without waiting.

Her sister was in bed, curled up crying, and she went to sit by her.

"Meredith," she said, "how can I help?"

Meredith continued to cry, and though she did not answer, Lexie noticed that she placed whatever she was holding quickly under the covers.

"Meredith, do you want to talk about it?"

"He called you?"

"He did."

"And you came."

"I'm your sister, of course I came."

"So I hear...that's what sisters do."

"It is, they also talk to each other"

"I'm not ready to talk."

"Ok, but I'm here, " she said and reached for her hand, and she sat quietly, holding Meredith's hand as she continued to cry.

"Can I talk?"

Meredith hiccupped and shrugged.

"Mer, why did you walk out? You don't have to answer...but, didn't you talk, didn't he explain what happened?"

She shook her head.

"Don't you think you should have listened?"

"Yes."

"Would you like me to tell me what happened, from your point of view?"

"No."

"Are you going to utter more than a syllable tonight?"

"Maybe."

They both laughed, but Meredith broke down, "Oh, Lex, what have I done, I was totally irrational, yes, you can say it...you've been telling me...and tonight, I was...I don't know what came over me...honestly I don't... but I was so mean...so mean...Lexie, and I said some awful things...things I didn't mean..."

"Ok."

"I need more that that...Lex...rambling would be good now."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"I'm going to call him, and tell him I'm sorry...Lexie I was so mean...and all I wanted was to ...oh Lex, I know... I was so irrational...and Derek...he tried so hard...and I'm such a mess..."

"Yes, well, we all have a theory on that...."

"Well, you're not always right..."

"I think I am..." she smiled.

"I need to call him."

"You do that...and oh, he said to tell you, if you'd listen, that he loves you, that he's going to wait."

"I love him too."

Derek Shepherd was indeed a broken man. He had driven away from her house and managed to get to the ferry, and then once boarded, he broke down. A thirty five minute passage of heartbreak and turmoil, and he knew he could no longer go on, not without facing his deepest fears.

Days ago, the night Meredith refused to see him and had attempted to give the plans back, he had many revelations, tonight magnified its gravity. Mistakenly and almost too late, he'd realized deep into the darkness of that night that the only way his life had meaning, the only way his dreams of the future made sense, was if he were to share it with Meredith.

Losing her, he had realized was indeed his greatest fear and agony, and he had similarly broken down and sobbed. He knew he would not survive if he were to lose her again, for it meant not only given up his dream, but giving up what he'd believed his entire life, that some day, he'd find his soul mate, and now that he had, if she was gone it would change who he was forever.

Tonight he relived his worst fears. He relived the night she drowned, and then as though a million sharp knives had been impaled in his heart, she'd said she might have preferred joining her mother.

The phone vibrated, indicating a call, but his anguish was such, he didn't even realize it, and it went to voice mail.

Upon docking, he began the drive home, the overwhelming agony leading him to the site where they'd shared their magical night, and he'd remembered each moment in detail and sobbed. Finally able to somewhat compose himself, he reached for the phone.

The dark haired woman was startled out of a sound sleep in the middle of the night, and lifting her head from the pillow reached to silence the shrill of the phone, answering groggily.

"I'm sorry it's so late," she heard, a broken voice transmitted on the phone.

She sits up immediately, greatly concerned, "no, it's ok, what's wrong?"

"I need you. Will you come?"

"As soon as I can get there...Derek, are you ok? Will you be ok, until I get there, do I need to call someone, do you have someone...that can be there for you?

"No, there's no one."

"What about Mark?"

"Not now. It's your help I need."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too."

Another call had also taken place.

"Derek...please...call me back, I know you're angry...and I already left you a message, but please...I'm sorry, Derek, I really am...and you're right...I've been irrational, and tonight...."she cried, "I should have listened to you...and I'm sorry...I know you're mad...no, I take that back...I know I hurt you, and I'm so sorry...and I know you don't want to talk to me...probably... I was mean...and hateful...and I didn't mean those things...well, I did, when I said them, but not in my heart, Derek, please...call me... or if you don't want to talk to me...just text me...tell me you're home....that you're ok...please..."

She laid in her bed, snuggling to the pillow, and holding a small piece of clothing, a white wisp of nothing, close to her heart, and then she spoke softly.

"Oh baby, your mommy is in so much trouble right now...and she is so sorry.
She really messed up this time, and she is so sorry she hurt your daddy . Because I know...I know... he is very sad right now, he's sad that we fought and that your mommy said mean and hurtful things...and I'm so sad that I ruined our surprise...yours and mine...because your daddy would have been so happy tonight...so happy that you really are here," she said, tears softly falling as she laid her hand over abdomen, gently caressing it, "he would be here, touching and kissing my tummy and whispering to you how much he loves you."

She gently took the piece of clothing in her hands, laying back against the pillows, spreading it across her stomach, and running her hand over the four rows of light orange colored letters 'I love my daddy', staring back at her.

"He knows I hate surprises, but you know what, I never even thought of babies...till I met your daddy, and you are my most wonderful surprise...which I think really took your daddy by surprise today. But, he was going to get the biggest surprise of all tonight, if I had not been such a mess, I was going to prove him right, and he loves to be right, but instead, I acted all emotional...instead of talking to him. If anyone heard me, they'd probably think I'm crazy... talking to you...but, I don't care...because when I found out that you're really here, I felt bad...because we were going to find out together...you should know I'm not really good with needles, which is not really saying a lot of a doctor...but your daddy, he's ever so gentle with me and was going to draw my blood...but he was busy all day, and I was so excited, wanting to know about you...to know if you were going to really be a part of our lives...you're going to learn really early that your mommy rambles...a lot... and I couldn't wait to find out anymore, and then I couldn't wait to tell him...and I saw this...and thought what a nice way to tell him, giving him this...letting him know that you're really on your way."

"Baby Shepherd...this is your first official day," she said, "you can't see me, but I'm smiling...and happy...so happy...your mommy, not dark and twisty anymore, well I shouldn't tell you about that, those are not good words for you...and your daddy, when he finds out, he's going to be all worried and hovery and ...I can't wait... he's going to think somebody took over your mommy's body."

She folded the baby onesie, and held it against her heart again. "I love you baby. Mommy and Daddy both love you very much."