(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Cherished Dreams

The rising sun and ultimately its rays reflected on the bed brought warmth and comfort to the recently estranged lovers, that now, during a night interrupted with dark and stormy clouds, had encountered an unexpected spiritual renewal, and once again discovered the boundless depth of the love they had found in each other and were certain they would never again find themselves alone through a long sleepless night, longing for the other's embrace.

Meredith basked in the safety of his arms, hoping to enjoy this new dream as long as she could, until she heard a soft moan and then another, and then realized it was her own voice, as Derek nuzzled her neck knowing exactly what spots to kiss.

"Derek," she whispered followed by quiet moans, wanting this moment to never end and while still half asleep continued to respond to the familiar touch and feel of his lips on her neck, and then the gentle teasing bite of her earlobe, before she felt his lips on hers and responded instinctively.

"I want you so much," he told her, as he captured her lips and she gave in to the longing and need of weeks gone by without their usual sexual intimacy and the pleasure of each of his caresses, until his desire became evident and she immediately pulled back.

"Oh, Derek...I want you ...I do..." she said kissing his lips softly, "but...I'm sorry...I we can't...not yet...I'm still..."

"Uhmmm...we can..." he said and captured her mouth again.

"Derek," she pulled back further, attempting to move out of his arms, "a couple of more days...I'm sure...that's all we need, but I'm still...still...we'll ask Dr.Cameron."

"Uhhh..." he moaned while reaching out for her and embracing her again, "Meredith... I'm sorry...sorry, I know we need to wait."

"I shouldn't have responded, Derek...but you touch me and I forget everything else, especially when you kiss me awake like that."

"At least I haven't lost my touch," he teased her.

"You definitely have not lost your touch," she teased right back.

"Uhhhmmm...I love you Meredith," he said as he ran his fingers through her hair, and kissed her lightly.

"I love you too," she responded quickly, "but..."

"But...what..." he interrupted, kissing her again, his erection pressed against her.

"Derek..." she pulled away reluctantly.

"Uhmmm," he said bringing her close to him again.

"Derek," she said breathlessly, "we could, I could..." she said, as her hand worked her way down his thigh, only to be stopped by him.

"No..." he said, kissing her softly, "it may kill me, but we'll wait...this is not about me...it's about us...when we make love again...it has to be about us...about satisfying each other fully...not just me..."

"I love you Derek...I really do...but then..." she said, "we have to stop...unless you're trying to break a record..."

"You mean for cold showers in a twenty four hour period," he said and they both were able to laugh, but he continued to hold her.

"Derek..."

"Uh huh..."

"We should get up..."

"There's a long while before we need to get up..."

"When's your first surgery?"

"This afternoon."

"Really?"

"Uh huh..."

"Why?"

"I've been gone a few days, wanted to make sure I could get some work caught up in the morning."

"Derek, when are you going in?"

"With you. You start at ten, so I guess we should be there by nine to see Dr.Cameron."

"They said just to come in by nine fifteen, that he'd fit me in," she said a bit distant.


"Hey...are you ok?" he asked as he ran his fingers through her hair, and kissed her lightly.

"Yeah...I'm fine..."

"Fine?"

"Don't worry about me...I'm ok," she said and kissed him back softly.

"I'm always going to worry about you, just as I imagine you will worry about me, when you realize something is not quite right," he told her and pulled her closer in his embrace.

"I love you Derek."

"Ah...so she reverts to my own tactics..." he teased her.

"Are you admitting to yours?" she pulled back and looked at him raising her eyebrow slightly.

"Today is your first day back at work, it may not be an easy day for you."

"So...not answering my question," she hugged him, "it's your first day back too."

"How about we go back to my place tonight?"

"I have to be back at eight tomorrow..."

"That's ok...I'll drive you."

"Derek, you can't continue to drive me all the time."

"If our schedules work, why not?"

"You're being..."

"Over protective?"

"Maybe..."

"You said I could take care of you..."

"You have...you've taken very good care of me..." she said, and then added very quietly," "you took very good care of us."


"Meredith..." he said as he gently caressed her back, "you took care of her too."

"She'd be here Derek...if I had done that."

"Meredith, you can't do this...you can't second guess what happened, you took care of her from the moment you realized you were pregnant."

"You really think so?"

"I really do."

"Derek..."

"Tell me...tell me what you're thinking...what's on your mind?"

"Last night."

"Uhhmmm."

"Can we talk about it?"

"What about last night?"

"When, why," she said and was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Lexie, come in," she said.

"It's not Lexie, it's Izzie."

"Come in," Meredith responded, without moving out of his embrace.

"Good morning, Mer, Derek, I'm making breakfast and just wanted to ask if you were joining us or I should leave something for you, I have to leave in about 20 minutes, shift starts at eight."

"Thanks Izzie, we don't need to leave here for another hour maybe longer, so I'll fix something for us," Derek told her.

"Iz..." Meredith said, raising her head from its resting place on his chest, "you knocked, you never knock..."

"Lexie...she sort of gave us a lecture about knocking, and she's right...you need privacy, we all do...so I figured, Derek was here and it's the right thing to do."

"So, if Derek was not here..." Meredith posed the question.

"We all agreed we had to knock..."

"Thanks Iz, we appreciate it, and the breakfast, I'll see you at the hospital."

"Bye Mer, Derek."

"Seems like Xena is taking her role very seriously," he laughed.

"I can't believe she knocked."

"It always bothered me, so I'm glad she said something."

"You could have said something, Derek..."

"It was your house...your friends."

"Derek..." she laughed, "even the chief, didn't knock..."

"And look at how well that turned out," he said gruffly.

"You can't stay mad at him."

"He was an ass."

"He's still the chief, Derek, but more important, he's been your friend."

"How can you be so forgiving all the time?"

"Would you prefer I hold a grudge? What good will that do?"

"Fine," he said.

"Fine," she said, and hugged him.

"I don't want to waste our time talking about him. We have another thirty minutes at least to spend with each other, just like this."

"Derek, before, when Izzie came in, I'd like to talk about something you said last night."

"We can talk about anything you like."

"When did you decide you wanted to have a vasectomy?"

He was silent and then cleared his throat, "I've been thinking about it for a while now."

"You what? Why?"

"I want you to be happy."

"And you think, you thought that would make you happy," she said pulling away from him slightly.

"Please," he urged, "don't pull away from me."

"I'm not, I want to look at you," she said and turned on her side and met his gaze, at the same time as she laced her fingers with his, "I want to understand why you would think that."

He took a deep breath, "the night," he cleared his throat again, "the night ... the argument about why...you asked me if I had known..."

"If you would have still kissed her," she finished for him.

"Yes, that night. We said so many things, some which almost pulled us apart, our misunderstandings...we bared our souls and yet we almost had everything fall apart around us...and I realized the depth of the pain I had caused you..."

"Derek...don't, don't go back..."

"We have to, you asked and since that night, it was the beginning of many ups and downs, but it was also the beginning of really communicating with each other no avoiding talking about things, and now, your question, it's very important that you understand."

"Ok," she said gently squeezing their entwined fingers.

"I told you, asked you what I needed to do, how I could prove to you I would always be here, that I was not walking away...that I would give up my dreams, and I meant that, I knew that I would do whatever it took for you to be happy, not pressured into accepting my idea of what our life should be, because, Meredith, my life without you...it would be an empty shell, and I would do whatever I need to do to make you happy."

"But...I told you...giving up...giving up our dreams, that's not what I wanted."

"I know you did, but the last few weeks, Meredith, seeing you...seeing you in pain, hurting over losing the baby, and then today, when you said you could not go through that again...I realized I would never ask you to risk it again, and I thought, I began to think that was the only way to make sure I never saw that kind of sadness and pain in your eyes again," he said, finally "that would be the only way I could prove to you, that you...only you matter, that you make my life complete."

"Oh, Derek...I love you...I do...that you would give up your dreams for me...I would never ask that of you...but that you thought of it...that, that's..." she allowed the tears to fall, "you are the only person that has ever put me first...but...do you remember...Derek, do you remember, when you told me your dream was to make mine come true?"

"I do..." he said, swallowing past the lump in his throat.

"Are you sure?"

"Uh huh," he answered, unable to say anything else.

"Don't ever forget it," she said softly, leaning in to kiss him, tears mingled on their lips, "because...Derek, long ago, your dreams became mine...marrying you, having kids with you...building a house...growing old with you...sharing a lifetime, that's my dream."

"I couldn't risk it...after this morning...I couldn't...couldn't see you cry anymore."

"Derek, you're going to see my cry again, I'm sure...but Derek, even...even with losing her, she made me love her...she made me love her so much, and before I knew about her, I never imagined how much love I would have for a tiny little baby...I never got to meet, but Derek...I'm glad I had her, I am...even if for just a few days...I'm glad I had her."

"I'm glad we had her too, Brianna, our first baby," he whispered.

"Our first baby...my first beautiful and priceless surprise..." she said softly, and though she could not hide her tears, she did smile. "And one day...Derek...one day...I want to have another baby, I want the love we have for each other, just like that day...that afternoon, what we felt for each other we she was conceived, I want other babies, other babies conceived as a result of the love and passion we feel for each other and cherish those memories forever."

"I love you Meredith, and I'll do whatever I have to...to make your dreams come true."

"I think...there's only one thing you need to do for that to happen," she teased, "just maybe a lot of practice..."

"Thank you...thank you," he said his voice filled with emotion, "for not letting me pull away...for pulling me back from my dark thoughts, when I wanted to be left alone."

"Derek, we've been through hell...the last three weeks...eighteen days of hell, but, also happy moments and love, and most important we found each other...Derek, for always...and we promised each other...we promised we would not let the other push or pull away."

"We did...Meredith...through all that we have each other for always."

"And Brianna, Derek...that dream I had, it brought me peace...it did...my heart and soul are at peace and healing...knowing we'll have her with us...beyond this lifetime."

"She brought me that as well Meredith, through you...the message from my Dad...our little girl," he choked up, "you telling me she called me daddy," he said, "thank you...for giving me that."

"It wasn't me...she did Derek, Brianna and your Dad, my Mom and Susan...they gave us that...the hope to believe they are with us always...a dream to cherish always.

"A cherished dream..." he murmured and leaned in to kiss her, and in that kiss they shared the depth of the love they felt for each other, once again making promises with each touch, each caress, each gentle and longing stroke of their tongues spoke of the future hopes and dreams they would spend a lifetime fulfilling.

"Derek," she said breathlessly, "now..." she paused, brushing his lips again, "now we do have to get going...or we're going to be late..."

"Good news is," he said, "the water utilities," his breathing labored, "the additional dividends from water utilities," he said, and their laughter echoed throughout the room.

"Derek, there's one more thing," she said a bit more serious.

"What?"

"Were you going to tell me...about getting a vasectomy, were you going to tell me?"

"Of course I was going to tell you, Meredith, I had made my decision, I had accepted that for myself, but ...I was going to talk to you...it wasn't something I could do without talking to you, but I needed you to know I would be willing."

"Derek...all those decisions...big and small, we have to talk to each other...if it's going to affect our lives, the other's life...we need to talk."

"We will, I promise you, we will always talk."

"Don't forget that Derek," she stated emphatically.

Meredith showered and made her way downstairs to the kitchen, "well don't you look like the cat that swallowed the canary."

"Lexie, good morning...isn't it early for you to think of these things, these sayings?"

"I don't think of them Mer, I just use them."

"What are you doing later, do you want to have lunch with me?"

"Is everything ok?"

"Everything is fine, I just want to have lunch with my sister."

"What about Derek?"

"What about me," he said walking in to the kitchen and Meredith handed him a cup of coffee.

"I asked Lexie to have lunch with me, and she asked ..."

"Xena...you can have lunch with us," he said smugly.

"No, she can't, because I'm having lunch with her."

"So, I'm not invited..." he pouted.

"No...think it will be girl talk today."

"Be that way...leave me all alone..." he said bringing his hand to his chest pretending he was hurt.

"Derek, stop the nonsense," Meredith told him, and laughed, "you reminded me of the day Viper kissed me."

"Meredith, you know how to wound me," he said.

"Who's Viper?"

"A very good kisser," Meredith responded with a smile.

"Mer," Lexie, "that's not nice..."

"It's ok Lexie, she's just getting back at me for saying I wasn't jealous," he said as he started to gather ingredients for breakfast.

"Who's Viper?"

"I'll tell you at lunch, run along or you're going to be late."

"So...he was a very good kisser..."

"But..." she said, kissing him, "your kisses are the ones that make my world stop."

"That's fair enough," he said, and laughed, then kissed her, "what do you want on your omelet?"

"The entire egg, none of the whites only crap."

"I didn't want to get into why I wanted to have lunch with her," she said suddenly.

"Why is that?"

"I want to tell her about my dream, about Susan..." she told him about their prior conversations and how she knew it would mean a lot to Lexie to hear it.

"You're right, I'm sure it will, and it should be the two of you only."

She gathered the rest of their breakfast and while they ate, she commented, "Derek, yesterday, when you'd already gone up to bed, Lexie and I talked, and I told her...I mean, I didn't think you'd have any issue with it, but then she said, well she asked if I'd talked to you about it, and I hadn't so I should talk to you about it, there's no rush...but..."

"Bossy and rambling are back on the same morning..."

"Oh...shut up..."

"I love bossy and rambling Meredith, I love all of you..."

"I told her I was happy that I had her...my sister, and that I believed it had been a girl, Brianna...and when we had another baby, I still wanted her to be the godmother...I imagine Derek...she and Mark..."

"What did she say?"

"She thought I might want Kathleen or Cristina now..."

"But you want your sister..." he smiled.

"I want my sister..."

"It should be Meredith...it should be Lexie and Mark..." he said and reached out for her hand, and they both smiled.

The arrived at the hospital, each determined to hold up a brave front for the other, as they walked through the doors of Seattle Grace holding hands, an unspoken agreement that their relationship would not be on the back burner for any circumstance.

"Meredith, you know they are going to need to draw blood today, do you want us to do that in advance?"

"That..." she hesitated, touched by his concern, "that would be good."

He drew her blood, both remaining silent, but their eyes held each other's gaze, each remembering the hope they'd had the first time he'd done this many days ago.

"You ok," he said, as he rested his hand on her lap.

"I am," she said, placing her hand on top of his, "are you?" she asked, and he nodded, and went to place the vial in a sealed plastic bag she put it in her purse, and walked holding hands to Dr.Cameron's office where they were shown to his office immediately.

"Derek, Meredith," he said, rising from his chair and extending his hand to Derek first and then to Meredith, and unlike with other patients, seeing the vulnerability in her face uncharacteristically reached out and hugged her, "I am deeply sorry for your loss."

"Thank you," Derek responded, "that means a lot to us," and holding her hand went to sit in the two chairs facing his desk.

"Yes," she said softly, "thank you."

"Meredith, how are you feeling? Not just physically, but emotionally it's important for me to understand all of that, and I need to ask you several questions, detailed questions and if you would like to speak to me alone, I'm sorry Derek, but I need to ask her."

"I understand, Meredith...I can wait for you outside, if you'd like."

"No, I don't want you to leave...we said...we'd do this together."

"That's fine, I'm not going anywhere."

"I have to ask, there are some patients..."

"We understand Dr. Cameron," Derek told him.

"I realize this is a very emotional time, but there are some questions, I need to know exactly what happened," he said apologetically, and continued with his questions, while Derek held her hand, and she explained until he asked the last question.

"Dr. Cameron," Derek, spoke for her, "from what Meredith has explained," he said while caressing her hand, "it was a complete miscarriage, she was aware of that when it happened," that's why she was certain there was no need to come in until now, and that you would also be able to examine her to determine that.

"Meredith, when you called and spoke to Jenna you said you were concerned."

"Yes," she said quietly, "it's been six days, and I'm still, well, I'm still bleeding, and I thought it should have decreased by now, to just spotting, but it's still more than I expected, so I wanted to make sure everything was ok, I know you can check with an ultrasound."

"Yes, I wanted to speak with you first, and then we will do another transvaginal ultrasound and that will determine that it was indeed a complete miscarriage. But, I don't want you to worry, not all women have the same recovery process, and it could take another two or three days for the bleeding to stop."

"I wasn't sure."

"What is important to avoid infections, and I'm sure you know this, until this stops, you should shower, rather than bathe, no swimming pools..."

"I know...I knew that."

"And, I would say that once the bleeding has stopped, you may want to wait a day or two before resuming sexual relations."

She lowered her head and Derek cleared his throat.

"Surely, you two didn't think I did not expect that would be a question."

"Believe me, we'd have asked," Derek said, bringing a bit of humor to the situation.

"Derek," she scolded quietly.

"Meredith, it's perfectly normal, you two are young and clearly love each other, and it will be healthy when your lives are back to normal, and I encourage that. I've seen the two of you together, and the support you've given each other, some couples don't have that, but I can see this has only strengthened the relationship I saw the first time I met you."

"It's been hard," she said, "very hard."

"Yes, I know, and I want us to talk about is this experience, because it is very traumatic emotionally and physically to your body, and it is important for both of you to be aware that it will take a while for your emotions to return to normal, and we will continue to monitor your HCG levels, which could take as long as six weeks to go back to pre-pregnancy levels," he said and continued to discuss various aspects of these circumstances with them, and allowing for them to ask questions.

"Dr. Cameron, thank you, we appreciate the time you've taken to talk to us."

"Derek, it's what a good doctor should always do, but you both know that, because both of you have excellent reputations as very compassionate doctors."

"Dr. Cameron," Meredith said, "when you do this ultrasound, can you tell, will you be able to tell if there's anything...any reason that may have caused this...if there's something wrong...that it could happen again? Could I have done something to prevent it?"

"Meredith, you know, as a doctor, that miscarriages happen and most of the time there is no explanation, but I can assure you, you did nothing wrong, and I say that, because of the way you phrased your question. I examined you, and there is nothing physically wrong that alerted me to any problems, and I have no reason to believe this would happen again"

"You...you're sure?"

"I cannot foresee the future, but in my medical expertise, I saw nothing to indicate there was anything physically wrong. But, we did know that when you first came in you had been cramping and spotting and your HCG levels as well as the baby's heartbeat were lower than they should have been, but that was not due to anything physical we could detect."

"So, you think, if we want to have other children, it does not have to happen again?" she asked, and he heard the hopefulness in her voice.

"Based on my first comprehensive exam, and based on medical facts, more than eighty percent of women will have a subsequent healthy pregnancy."

"That's good right..." she said and squeezed Derek's hand.

"That's very good, and Meredith...when you think you're ready to have another baby, we will make sure to talk about it and discuss any questions or concerns you may have."

"Thank you, Dr. Cameron, you've been wonderful, and the day I came back to see you...that day...you were very thoughtful."

"You're welcome, now we will need to take your blood and I'll meet you in the examining room in a couple of minutes," he said and called for Jenna.

"Derek," she said extending her hand to him, and he rose to walk out with her.

She'd been able to hold herself together without crying in his office, but the minute she reached the examining room and changed and was lying on the table, the tears began to slide down her cheeks freely. "Meredith," Derek said, wiping the tears away, and kissing her softly, "don't cry, please."

"It's...last time...last time we were here, Derek...our baby...she was here," she said placing her hand over her abdomen, "her heart was beating...not as fast as it needed to, we know now, but she was...our baby...Derek...she's really gone."

"I know love, I'm sorry...so sorry," he said, as he kissed her gently, and smoothed her hair.

There was a light knock on the door before the doctor walked in with Jenna.

"Do you need a few minutes?"

"No," she said, "it's fine. You can do the ultrasound," and made no attempt to hide her tears as she grabbed Derek's hand, and he remained by her side.

"We'll need to take your blood after this," he said.

"Derek already did, this morning, it's there," she said, "I placed the vial on the counter."

She refused to look at the screen, "everything is in order" Dr. Cameron stated, "the," he paused, understanding the emotional aspect of his statements, "the miscarriage was complete," he finished, and heard her quiet and half broken sob confirming what she already knew.

"Meredith, remember what I said," he said gently, "and I expect you will be here again, when all I will see are happy tears."

"Thank you," Derek said, extending his hand.

"No thanks are necessary, take care of each other, and take all the time you need here," he said as he and Jenna walked out.

When he walked out, Meredith clung to Derek and sobbed, while he held her in his arms and whispered tender words "remember your dream Meredith...you said yourself, she's our little angel ...Brianna told you about her brothers and sister, remember that...that's our future Meredith...I believe it...I have that feeling too...we'll have our dreams."

"We will," she said, sniffling, "you really believe that..."

"With all my heart."

"I love you Derek."

"I love you too Meredith."

"Derek...I'll be better, about the crying, I will, I'll try really hard, but today, doing this...it was, I knew, but it was so final.

"I know that, and you cry all you need, just like he said, it will happen, and you know what," he said kissing her softly, "sometimes, I'll cry right along with you."

"Oh Derek..." she said, "Cristina may have been sarcastic when she first called you McDreamy, but you are...to me...you are...thank you...thank you."

"She was being sarcastic," he said.

"Oh yeah..." Meredith smiled, "I'm pretty sure about that."

"And to think I was warming up to her."

"Derek..."

"Meredith...I'm kidding, for you, I'm willing to take all her mocking."

"McDreamy...all mine...for a lifetime," she said, and lowered her legs to the floor and got dressed.

"Meredith," he said before they walked out, "we'll be back here again...and they will be happy tears, when we see our next baby."

She walked into his arms and embraced him, "we will, Derek, we will."

They were walking back holding hands towards the resident's lounge when they ran into
Patricia, "good morning Dr.Grey, Dr. Shepherd I was about to page you, the Chief would like to speak with you as soon as possible."

"Thank you Patricia, I will be there shortly," he responded curtly.

"Derek..."

"He was an ass."

"Derek, please," she looked at him, "don't do anything stupid."

"You think I'm going to do something stupid?"

"You are angry, you were, but Derek...we have to move on, and you saved her Derek, you saved Kelly, and our baby...our little girl...she was her little angel...Derek...just remember that."

"You know all the weak spots."

"No, I just know the man I love," she said, and leaned up to kiss him as they reach the resident's lounge.

"Call me, if you need me," he said, kissing her back.

"You too."

"I will. But not for lunch," he teased, and opened the door for her before he walked away.

"Derek," she called after him.

"What?"

"Call me...page me right away, after you talk to him."

"Bossy," he mouthed.

"But you love me," she smiled confidently.

"That I do," he smiled back.


She changed into her scrubs, and put away her things and was ready to walk out as Miranda Bailey walked in.

"Grey, I thought I'd find you here."

"Hi, Dr. Bailey. How is Tuck?"

"He is just fine, doing just fine, and he gets to see me several times a day."

"He's in daycare here?"

"Yes he is, and very happy about it."

"That's really good Dr.Bailey...and...are you, are you ok?"

"Yes...I will be."

"That's good, I'm glad."

"Meredith," she said, "come sit with me," and led her to the couch.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, I wanted to see you, before you start your shift, how are you?"

"I'm ok."

"Meredith, I'm very very sorry for your loss, I know you were happy about this baby."

"Oh..."she said, unable to respond to the gentleness and genuine caring voice of Miranda Bailey, and she felt tears gather and tried to hide them.

"It's ok, Meredith," she said and hugged her, "it's ok, you can cry."

"I don't want to...not anymore," she said softly.

"I know that too, but you tell that to your hormones, that won't be back to normal for weeks," Miranda told her matter of fact like, yet with the same gentle tone.

"Dr. Bailey, thank you, for all you've done, the schedules, the time off, thank you."

"We all care about your Meredith, we were all worried about you, and just so you know...straight from the Chief, whatever you need, both you and Shepherd, we're going to be there for you, to accommodate what you need."


"Thank you, all of you...all of you have been wonderful and so supportive, and everyone last night..."

"You had a nice dinner, with your favorite chocolate cake," she mused.

"You know about that?"

Regaining some of her old Bailey demeanor, "Grey...I know everything, when are you all going to remember that?"

"You certainly do."

"I got some of the cake this morning. They asked me to stop by last night, but it was impossible."

"I would have liked that."

"I'm here, Meredith," she said placing her hand on top of hers, "whatever you need, I'm here."

"Thank you..." she said, and wiped away a tear.

"Ok...now we have work to do...well, you have the pit."

"The pit...Dr. Bailey..." she whined.

"Yes, Grey?"

"Ok. The pit," she accepted, "but for how long?"

"Just today. Get you back on your feet slowly."

"I wasn't gone this long when..."

"You should have been, now go...you have interns waiting for you."

"Dr. Bailey, will you talk to Derek? He's trying to be so strong for me, and I had Mark speak with him, but he respects you a lot, he cares about you, your opinion."

"So do I Meredith, and yes, I will be talking to him," she said, and watched the young woman walk out of the lounge and then she leaned back against the couch and smiled 'you were right, Miranda she thought, those two are going to make it, God help our ears, if only we had padded walls in the on call rooms', she smiled.