(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Unexpected

Unfortunately, the patient died within fifteen minutes of starting the second surgery, and she'd scrubbed out almost an hour earlier than expected. She'd been sitting at Derek's desk since before seven and it would be time to go home soon, but she wanted to finish her research.

The words on the screen took a life of their own, as though each site she visited, each revealing piece of information was determined to mock her

Her mind was reeling, the brain on overload after discovering surprising possibilities that could be responsible for her symptoms.

She absorbed it all, in some cases, going back to read again, and ultimately of all she read, this scared her the most: Seek prompt care if the dizziness is severe and occurs with abdominal pain or vaginal bleeding.

When she'd had her first panic attack she hadn't paid attention to it, or rather she'd done her best to avoid addressing it, then came the sleepless nights. Now, she thought, without being able to dismiss the overwhelming anguish gripping at her heart, whichever of the conditions applied to her current symptoms, all indicated a potential health problem, and she was not ready to handle that.

She was not ready to face some of the possible emotional consequences. Most of all, whereas, weeks ago she would have been panicking, her biggest fear now was disappointing Derek, because some more than others could impact him as well. But, if she were truly honest, the biggest fear of all is recognizing her own unexpected disappointment.

She felt the trickle of tears, unable to suppress the heightened vulnerability. What kind of a doctor was she, she thought, that failed to recognize the most obvious symptoms, and as a result could have far reaching consequences.

Stop it Meredith, she chided silently, stop being so pessimistic, maybe, just maybe she was misinterpreting the symptoms, and all could be resolved with minimal treatment and medication.

The vibration of her pager forced her back to the present, preventing her from continuing further searches, though she was fairly certain she did not need to look at any more information. The answers were already in front of her, now she only had to gather the courage to find out how they applied to her.

She wanted Derek. Wanted to run to him and cry in his arms, and tell him she was scared. Scared of not knowing what was wrong with her. Scared of knowing that her delay in seeking medical advice, could ultimately result in the breakdown of their relationship.

She wanted Derek, instead she was being paged with a 911, and resented the intrusion.
Her shift was almost over, and instead of getting ready to go home had to deal with an emergency. She shut down his computer, clearing the trace of all history.

Minutes later she walked out and locked his office, and reached for the phone to call him.

"Hey."

"Hey, I've just been paged, trauma coming in, 7 minutes away, I wanted you to know I'm stuck here."

"Ok, just let me know when you're headed home."

"Don't...don't wait up for me," she told him, unable to hide the sadness from her voice.

"Meredith, what's wrong?"

"I'm just tired, and thought I'd be heading home...and I can't..."she stated quietly.

"I'll wait up for you."

"No, Derek, you don't have to, I don't know how long I'll be."

"Hey, something's wrong, I can hear it in your voice. I'll wait for you to get home."