(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Expectedly...bittersweet ...

Lunch soon turned to mid afternoon snacks as Carolyn Shepherd anticipated her pregnant daughter's cravings, and they all now sat around the living room with the exception of Alice, who had ballet duty with three of her granddaughters.

"Mom" Jenna said, "this is the best pumpkin and sweet potato bread you've ever made, and you can taste the radishes too... is there chocolate ice cream?"

"Pumpkin, sweet potato and radishes?" Meredith mouthed to Kathleen who shrugged.

"Sweetheart," Carolyn asked, "are you sure...about the chocolate ice cream?"

"You don't have any?" Jenna asked with a noticeable pout. "Meredith don't knock it...just you wait till you have kids, they take over your body."

"I didn't say anything," Meredith argued.

"You didn't have to," Jenna rolled her eyes.

"Let me have that," Maggie took the dish from her, "of course she has some, are you kidding...we all have chocolate ice cream just in case you stop by...and God forbid..."

"Mary Margaret," Patricia said, "don't use the Lord's name in vein."

"It's only a venial sin," Maggie said, "in the worst of cases..."

"Maggie, you don't have to be snippy about it. It's not my fault I'm having a girl, and you have the majority of the boys in the family," Jenna said referring to her sister's two teen age boys, "Derek, it's really going to be up to you to balance that out..."

Meredith had been smiling at the bantering amongst the family, until Jenna's last statement, and since she was sitting next to Derek, he had his arms around her, and felt her stiffen slightly. He gently caressed her arm before he squeezed her hand softly and kissed her temple. Nancy, once again noticed his gestures.

"Stop being a brat Jenna," Maggie told her, "I have nine nieces...now ten ...and your baby girl is going to be spoiled rotten...because, I'm not having a third child...even if I knew it would be a girl...I'm done with diapers and sleepless nights."

"You," Nancy laughed, "did not just say that..."

"What," Maggie shot back at her, "I'm not."

"Ailene," Pat laughed and used her sister's favorite childhood name, "I do believe you're going to be a grandmother again."

"Aunt Pat," Maggie scolded, "I'm not having any more kids... John agrees," she said a bit less convincing.

"Maggie," Nancy walked over and put her arms around her, "do you remember...right in this living room...both Kathleen and I...saying those very same words...it's a curse...I swear...the minute we said we weren't having any more kids..."

"What in the world is wrong with you," their Aunt Pat said, "thinking of a baby as a curse...shame on you all..."

"Aunt Pat," Maggie said, "we don't mean that...just that the boys are enough, especially since it's been fourteen years since my last one...and hey, now it can be Meredith & Derek's turn."

"Ok," Kathleen said, "enough baby talk...let's concentrate on the one we know for sure is coming, and stop pressuring Meredith & Derek, they have plenty of time for kids."

Derek met his sister's gaze and smiled, and his sister Nancy caught the thank you he mouthed to Kathleen, who smiled back with a hint of sadness.

"You're right," Jenna said. "They're barely newlyweds. But, Meredith, that hasn't stopped you from becoming a true Shepherd in a very short period of time, in fact, you've mastered diversion 101..."

"What," Meredith smiled, "are you talking about?"

"You expertly sidetracked my question, which still remains unanswered," Jenna told her, "about why I was the only one that did not know you and Derek would be here."

"Jenna," Derek said, "you remember intern days...there's no free time to speak of except at the end of each year, and when Meredith was able to get the time off for our wedding, that's all she had left, so it's not easy getting weekends anymore."

"Derek," Jenna said, "I know she gets one weekend a month, so it could have been next weekend...for my shower...and the whole family would be here..."

"Jenna," Kathleen said, "they're here now...unexpectedly, but isn't that what you wanted...to get to meet Meredith?"

"Yes, of course," Jenna said, "but...it would have been nice...for Meredith to be here and meet the rest of the family."

"Jenna Patricia," her aunt said, "why in the world would you wish that on Derek's new wife...the whole family at the same time, for the love of God, even I can't deal with that anymore."

"Aunt Pat," Maggie teased her, "do nuns have special dispensation?"

"For what?" her aunt raised an eyebrow at her.

"Using the Lord's name in vein?" Maggie said cheekily.

"Mary Margaret," her aunt and mother exchanged brief glances, "I expect...your daughter to be named after me...at least as a middle name."

"I'm not..." Maggie said, "you know what," she laughed, "it's so unlikely...that yes...if it ever happens...count on it Aunt Pat."

"She has no idea," Patricia leaned in and whispered to Carolyn. "Get ready sister dear, she's having twins."

"Patricia," Carolyn said quietly, "you don't ever...you don't like to ..."

"I can't help it," she whispered, "it's a damn curse sometimes, but this...it's a happy moment...a small glimpse of the future."

"You know," Carolyn said, "people use to burn at the stake..."

"I'm a nun," she told her, "I've special dispensation," and both sisters laughed.

"You two never change," Derek said as he smiled fondly at both women. "I'm glad you're here Aunt Pat."

"Meredith," Patricia said, "getting back to what I said earlier, you have been spared meeting all the family together, we are more than enough for a first time visit."

"Pat," Carolyn warned, "we are not that bad...stop scaring Meredith."

"Oh, baloney," Pat said, "she's made of stronger stuff than that...you can see it in her eyes, but still," she turned to Meredith, "dear, don't let them talk you into a full family weekend until you have to...it will take weeks to recover," she winked at her.

"Aunt Pat," Nancy protested, "we are not that bad."

"Nancy," the nun answered, "this is me you're talking to...and I'd have been completely on Derek's side if he'd clobbered you and left you buried in his wilderness for dropping in unannounced," she said.

"Oh my God," Meredith giggled, "Cristina would love her."

"I would love to stay," Pat announced, "but...my nun duties call...I will see you again for dinner, or whenever it is we'll be watching the wedding video."

"Tonight Patricia," Carolyn said, "but...it may be after your curfew."

"Don't mess with me Ailene," Patricia told her sister laughing, and went over to hug her. "You were right, she's daughter worthy material."

"Sister Pat," Meredith said, "I mean that's what I should call you...I guess...or Sister Patricia, what exactly are your nun duties?"

"She's the school principal," Maggie told her, "she likes to pretend she works...so she's there between three thirty and six when the kids are dismissed from school and after care."

"Maggie," her aunt said, "you're full of disclosure announcements today."

"You know," Maggie laughed, "you're my hero..."

"No need to kiss up to me, Mary Margaret," she smiled at her, "you're already my favorite," and laughter erupted in the room. "This week," Pat continued, "she's my favorite, and by the way Meredith, Aunt Pat is fine..."

"Meredith," Carolyn said, "the reason the order took her is because with her joining them, she was already a school teacher by the way, she was single handedly able to increase the enrollment by about one hundred kids...and they keep multiplying."

"Ailene," Pat laughed, "you're not so far off yourself...hell, with your grandchildren alone I have nine of them now, and yes Maggie, I'm on driving duty today...I will load them up in the van and bring them over by six tonight."

"The grandchildren," Meredith asked her, "they're all in your school...convent...I mean...it's a convent...or is that only where the nuns live?"

"The convent is adjacent to it," Pat said, "you'll have to visit me there sometime."

"Can you see it," Meredith laughed and winked at Derek, "me...in a convent?"

"That," the nun said, "sounds like an interesting story...don't tell them till I'm here tonight."

Meredith laughed, "there's not much to tell, really...but, it was a pleasure meeting you...and I'm so glad...you weren't like Aunt Margaret."

"Don't hold your breath Meredith...there may be one of those around," she told her, "but...probably on the Shepherd side of the family..."

"Meredith," Jenna who was sitting next to Derek said, "you really didn't answer my question...but, I understand...that you may have preferred not to be here. Aunt Pat's right...the family can be overwhelming," she said, and the sisters saw the tears begin to pool.

"Jenna," Kathleen said in a rather strong tone toward her younger sister, surprising Nancy while at the same time convincing her that her sister was privy to information the rest of them were not. "Stop it. They're here now, and I know it wasn't easy for Meredith to get the time off so just enjoy the time we all have to spend together now."

"I didn't..." Jenna began to say, the glimmer of tears a blink of an eye away.

"Jenna," Meredith soothed, thankful for Kathleen's unwavering support, but she remembered her own very limited period of hormonal induced emotions, and made her sensitive to Jenna's, "we're going to come back for the baptism...and that made it harder...since there's no way we're going to miss that," and with that, calmness returned.

"I'm sorry," Jenna said, "everything...all these hormones are worse than ever right now, and I'm grateful...I really am, that you're here," she said, and Meredith glanced at her, and the way her hand rubbed small gentle circles on her belly, and then she stopped and smiled. "Derek," she said quietly and reached for his hand and placed it on her abdomen, "feel...she's been so quiet...since we got here, but now...I think she knows her godfather is here..."

Derek's first reaction was to pull his hand away, but he couldn't hurt his sister that way, yet his heart ached for Meredith, as he saw her turn her face slightly away and raise a finger to dab at the corner of her eye. This too, did not go unnoticed by the three elder Shepherd women as Nancy saw the quiet exchange between her mother and Kathleen.

"She's very active," he said, as she placed her hand over his, "is she like this all the time?"

"She doesn't seem to realize there's not a lot of room in there...Mom was just telling me I was the same way," Jenna smiled, "till the end."

"She's healthy," Derek said, "and you...everything's ok?"

"Yes," Jenna smiled, "but Nancy can fill you in better...even if she's not my official ob."

"Everything's good," Nancy said without elaborating, and she saw Meredith place her hand on his thigh and gently caress him, and Derek's involuntary reaction as he took a deep breath.

"Amazing," Jenna said, misinterpreting his reaction, "isn't it?"

"It is," he said and removed his hand. "I can't wait to meet her."

"We'll send pictures the minute she's born...Maggie promised she'd be in charge of that, that you're the first person that gets her photo," she paused, as though in deep thought, "you and Meredith."

Meredith sat through those moments, willing the words away, wanting to run and avoid having to witness what could have been them...feeling the healthy kicks of their unborn baby...their baby bear, she thought as she gently held Brianna's charm between her fingers, before she felt the warmth of his hand.

"Have you decided on a name," Meredith asked, attempting to deal with the overwhelming emotions seeing Jenna had evoked. She knew it was going to be hard, but she never imagined the depth of her sorrow as she was faced with the reality that if all had gone well, she'd be experiencing the same things as Jenna. For a brief moment her gaze met Carolyn's and in her eyes, found a mother's loving comfort.

"We have," Jenna smiled, "but I've changed my mind so many times, I promised Rob he'd be the first to know...once the baby is born," she said, and they all laughed.

"Meredith," Maggie said, "just so you know, Jenna had picked names for the two younger girls, and when they were born changed them completely...in fact," she teased her sister, "she didn't tell Rob the first time...and he found out when he saw the baby's bracelet."

"He wasn't paying attention," Jenna protested, "that was his fault."

"Right," Nancy laughed, "and the second time...she said, Meghan, it's time to meet your daddy, and he found out the name was no longer Emma Elizabeth."

"I think," Carolyn Shepherd said, "Meredith, and Derek especially must be ready for a break...take your wife Derek...show her around the neighborhood, girls, you can help me with dinner," she said, "take a nap Jenna, I don't want you blaming us for falling asleep midway through the evening."

Derek got up and helped his sister rise from the couch, "do as Mom says...we'll see you later. "Mer," he reached for her hand, "join me for a walk?"

"Yes," she said softly as she held his hand tightly.

"Mom," Derek whispered softly as he put his hand on her shoulder, and she placed her hand on top of his, words unnecessary as it acknowledged his and Meredith's private grief.

"Carolyn," Meredith said and met her mother in law's gentle comforting smile, "thank you."

"Go on," she said, "you need some time together."

They went for a short, mostly quiet walk, though at times he'd tell her of some of his childhood friends, many of their parents still resided in the neighborhood. "That's Alice's house," he pointed to it.

"She's nice, they both were, your Aunt Pat and Alice," she didn't say much more and he allowed her the silence, and he knew it was enough, as she never let go of his hand. Every so often he'd feel a gentle squeeze, and now she'd let go and put her arms around his waist and kept on walking until they were back at his mother's house and he led her to the back porch.

"Can we stay out here," she said quietly, "a little longer?"

"Yes," he said and pulled on her hand until they sat down on old wooden double porch swing glider.

"I don't think," Meredith said, "I've ever seen one of these before."

"It's old," Derek said, "it used to be at my grandparent's house, it was a novelty when we were kids."

"Uhmm..."

Derek slipped his arms around her and she rested her head on his chest, and she felt his lips on her hair, then her temple as he held her tighter.

Meredith took a deep breath, and it was a long while before she spoke. "It's harder," she barely whispered, "much harder than I imagined," and took his hand and placed it on her abdomen, acknowledging the depth of their loss, "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "you have to go through this...I should have realized..."

"I'm ok," she placed her hand on top of his, "I'm ok. But," she turned slightly to look at him, "are you ok?"

"Uhmm..." he simply shook his head, and she wrapped her arms around him.

"I love you."

"I love you too," he said, and she heard the slight catch in his voice, and closed her eyes as she felt the slow gliding motion of the old fashioned seat.

Nancy walked out to the porch, unaware of her brother's presence, the sound of the screen door intruding on their silence. "I didn't know you were here."

"Nance," Derek said, "it's ok, we were ready to go in a few minutes."

"Derek," she hesitated, "Meredith...can I join you..."

"Of course," Derek smiled, "remember when we were kids..."

"We used to fight over these seats," she reminisced.

Meredith was about to sit up straight, "I can leave you two to talk..."

Nancy, who was sitting across from her, reached out for her hand, "don't go."

"You can catch up," Meredith insisted.

"Meredith," Nancy began to say without letting go of her hand, "Derek...you don't have to say anything...at all...but," and she reached for his hand as well, "I'm sorry...so very sorry...for your loss," she said with such poignant emotion both were momentarily rendered speechless.

"Nancy," Derek cleared this throat, "what...what...are you..."

"Nobody's said anything...please," she said, "don't think that, but...I've seen you...the two of you...several times today, the way you reach out to each other, to reassure each other...and when Jenna took your hand," she paused as tears gathered in her eyes, "I knew something had gone wrong...and then I looked over to Mom and Kathleen and there was such sadness in their eyes ...I'm sorry...if I'm overstepping, but...I could feel your heartache Meredith...and it just felt that...I had to say something...just to you...nobody else...but wanted you to know...how very sorry I am..."

Derek heard Meredith's short intake of breath before the broken sob, and he saw her squeeze Nancy's hand before she spoke, "we..." she pursed her lips trying to hold back so many emotions, "I had...our baby," the tears fell, "would have been due...about three weeks after Jenna's."

"Oh God," Nancy said with such genuine emotion, that Meredith knew at that moment, that if she'd had any doubts about their future relationship, they were erased in a few seconds time, as her sister in law held on to their hands, "I'm sorry...so sorry."

"Nancy," Derek spoke finally, "we don't want anyone to know."

"I won't say anything...you have my word, but...if ever...if you need anything...to talk...anything at all..."

"Nancy," Meredith said, "your Mom and Kathleen know...but...I don't want Jenna to know, Derek and I agreed...maybe some day we'll be ready to talk about it. But I don't want her to know...I don't want anything but happiness for her...as she waits for the baby," she smiled softly, though sadness remained in her eyes, "Derek's goddaughter."

"Kathleen," Nancy said, "she could have helped...you know she has a group..."

"I know," Meredith told her, "she was there...when it happened."

"Oh...God..." Nancy said again, "Meredith...I'm so sorry...Derek..."

"There'll be other babies," Derek told her, "Meredith and I are sure of that."

"You've talked...that's good...you had a good doctor?" Nancy asked.

"We did," Meredith said, "and Dr. Cameron may not be as good as you..." she tried to lift the sadness that had taken hold of their hearts.

"Meredith," Nancy said in the same lighter tone, "I'm actually a pretty good doctor...so if you ever want to talk...whenever you're ready, I'm a phone call away...anytime...day or night."

"Thank you," Meredith said quietly, unable to say anything else as emotions took hold, and she simply squeezed her sister in law's hand, and an unconditional and understanding bond between them was born.

Carolyn Shepherd could not help but worry when she saw her children on the porch, where a serious conversation was evidently taking place, and she was fiercely protective especially of Meredith today, so she had no qualms about interrupting them.

"Everything ok here," Carolyn's voice surprised them.

"Yes," Derek was the first to speak, "want to sit on the swing with us?"

"What's this," they heard Jenna's voice before she waddled over to them, "are we going to fight over the seats again," she joked over shared childhood memories.

Before the hour was over, Derek would think that fate was determined to rub salt in a recently reopened wound, but fate would disagree; because as painful as the moments that followed would seem, before they went home an unexpected bond was meant to be formed, with a joyful, delightful child with a gentle healing soul. In the years to come, on a very similar porch thousands of miles away, the same group of people would gather and remember this, as the moment fate had smiled and blessed them.

"I guess," Derek tried to be light and teased her, "we can give up our seats. Mer and I were about to leave."

"Derek," Jenna said, "I'm beginning to think you don't want to spend time with me."

"Why would you think that," he said, "I endured how many hours in the presence of eleven women," and Meredith looked at him and then Nancy.

"Eleven women," Meredith said, "Derek, I'm getting worried about you...first...you forgot Aunt Margaret's name," she teased, "and now...you can't count?"

Jenna laughed, "he always told Aunt Pat she counted as four, and tease that she's a calamity for each season."

Derek got up and led Jenna to the swing and she sat next to Meredith, and as he got ready to reach for Meredith's hand so they could go upstairs, Jenna or fate intervened.

"Oh," she gasped, and brought her hand to her side, "you...are not being very nice to your mommy at all...you need to stop with the boxing match," she said as she smiled in spite of the discomfort. "I think she's practicing to be a kick boxer," she laughed, "Meredith...what do you think," she said and took her hand and placed it on her abdomen.

"Jenna," Nancy said, "I'd like to feel her," and got ready to reach across, hoping to spare Meredith from additional grief and heartbreak, but she underestimated her sister in law's strength of character.

"She is," Meredith said, as Derek, Carolyn and Nancy desperately wanted to comfort her, "definitely a kick boxer," and allowed Jenna to guide the palm of her hand to rest where her daughter was determined to make her presence felt.

"I think," Jenna said softly, as she lay her hand on top of Meredith's, "she knows...she has very special visitors today...right sweetie...you've already kicked your godfather, now...it's time to meet your Aunt Meredith."

Derek placed his hand on Meredith's shoulder, squeezing lightly, offering his support and comfort, and then her words broke his heart just a little more.

"Hey little one," Meredith said, "you should be nice to your mommy...try not to kick so hard, let her get a little rest...because she loves you very much...and once you're here...you're going to have plenty of room to move all over the place...what do you say," Meredith closed her eyes for a second, imagining what it would have felt like...if Brianna had been with her still, and gently...tenderly...rubbed Jenna's belly, "and you know what...if your mommy and daddy let you...you can come visit your uncle Derek...and me...and one day...your cousins...and run all over the woods...and swim in the lake..."

"She likes your voice," Jenna smiled, "can you feel the difference," and Meredith could, and marveled at the change, as the baby's movement began to feel like a gentle rolling motion.

"That's amazing," Meredith said, "she does feel...like she's rolling...like a little wave..."

"She likes you," Jenna said, "and I think she's just letting me know...she agrees with her daddy and me..."

"Really..." Meredith laughed softly, "you know that she's agreeing with you..."

"She does," Jenna said, "I'm certain of it..."

"Well," Carolyn said, wanting to end the continued contact between Meredith and the baby, "don't keep us in suspense."

"Meredith, I was going to ask you before...but thought it would be better, if I asked in person...and you don't have to agree, but...we'd ...be pleased...I mean, you may want to discuss it with Derek, but ...we'd love if you would be the baby's godmother."

Meredith felt the pressure of Derek's hand on her shoulder, "Jenna, let us talk about it...let Meredith think about it."

"Of course," Jenna said, a little taken aback by his tone, and Meredith saw the hurt in her eyes at what seemed to be an implied rejection.

"Jenna," Meredith said softly, "I would be honored...if you're sure..."

"We are...we thought...from the beginning...when you got married...that it was meant to happen...that the baby should have you both as godparents..."

Meredith took her free hand and reached for Derek's, "join us," she said, and he sat next to her, and she took his hand and placed it on top of hers as the baby rolled gently in the confined space, "hey little one...you've got both your godparents here...but just as you're being very nice to mommy now...you're going to need to help me a little, because you're my very first godchild...and I want to make sure...you keep agreeing...that your mommy and daddy made the right choice."

Nancy leaned in and rested her head on her mother's shoulder, as she saw the woman's attempt at hiding her emotions, "don't cry Mom," she whispered, "they're going to be fine."

"You know," Carolyn whispered.

"I know," Nancy said. "Mom, she's the right choice...the perfect choice for Derek...and Jenna's little one...for our family."

The poignant moment would live in their memory forever, just as Maggie and Kathleen joined them, "what's going on..." Kathleen was the first to voice her thoughts out loud, registering concern.

"Your niece," Jenna smiled, "has just met her godmother," and Kathleen's eyes filled with tears as they locked with Meredith's gentle gaze, but bittersweet smile.