(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Mutual Reassurances

Derek met up with Mark at Joe's, joining him at a table where he was sitting with Tracy.

"Shep, what the hell took you long, I thought we were meeting up after your last surgery."

"Hi Tracy. Something came up, and it's not like you didn't have good company."

"Yeah, but that's beside the point."

"Dr. Shepherd, it was nice to see you, enjoy your evening."

"Don't leave on my account."

"I'm not, I had planned to catch up with some friends here," she said as she got up, and placed her hand on Mark's shoulder, gently caressing him.

"I'll catch up with you in a bit," Mark winked at her and she smiled back.

"That was really subtle Mark."

"She knows I wanted to talk to you."

"You've been seeing her a lot this week."

"I enjoy her company."

"I like her, she's nice, maybe too nice for you."

"She has no complaints...none at all."

"Tell me what happened with Meredith today?"

"Have you seen her?"

"She asked me a similar question, if I was going to see you."

"Really."

"Yeah, I guess that decided how much she was going to tell me, just in case you told me first, but I know she did not tell me all that went on."

"Shep, the two of you need to get your act together."

"Look Mark," he started to say, but was interrupted.

"Don't give me any shit Derek. What the hell are you doing to reassure her Rose doesn't mean anything to you?"

"She knows that, we've talked about it."

"You think so... then why the did she almost have a panic attack during surgery, and almost passed out while we..."

"She almost passed out...why the hell didn't you page me? She didn't tell me that."

"There was no need to page you, I took care of it, and of course she didn't tell you, it's what Grey does best... avoid shit..."

"What the hell is this, you couldn't wait to mouth off about her weeks ago and now what...you've become her protector..." Derek stated, while immediately recognizing he was acting just as irrational as Meredith was.

"No you stupid ass, and you should be thankful I was there, because if not, I'm sure it would have escalated to a full blown panic attack. She displayed classic symptoms of it, and she doesn't need any more speculation about her going around."

"You're right, and I'm glad you were there. She told me you'd been a good friend to her today, but I get the feeling she left a lot more unsaid."

"Derek, what the hell is going on with you...there's no way Grey reacted like she did just because Rose was in the same room with her, there's got to be more to it than that, and you damn well better find out what it is before you lose her."

"I think I've already lost her," Derek told him honestly and dejectedly.

"Are you serious man, Grey loves you."

"You think," he said almost sarcastically, but more than anything his doubts were manifested.

"What the ...fu...you know she loves you."

"Yeah, well, I'm not so sure."

"You can't be serious...if you don't think she loves you...why are you bothering with her?"

"My doubts don't change the fact that I love her."

"Why would you think that...today, she didn't react like she did because she doesn't love you."

Derek looked up to meet his friends gaze, and Mark saw doubt and pain and fear. "Do you know, she has not told me she loves me in...I don't even know how long..."

"Then... I repeat... why are you with her?"

"I love her."

"Shep...this doesn't make any damn sense to me...I know women, Shep, and she loves you."

"Yeah...well, she can't bring herself to trust me or tell me."

"Have you told her?"

"Of course I have...and that I want to marry her..."

"You told Grey you want to marry her..."

"Didn't I just say that..."

"Yeah, you did, I just didn't think you'd be that stupid."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"We talked about this...she's an intern...she just starting ...you can't expect her to be ready for that...and how is it you didn't see her trust issues would come up...you're the one that almost ripped me apart over that."

"Ok...did I just wake up in the twilight zone?"

"I don't see Rod Serling here..."

"Ass."

"Yeah, well, you should be kissing my ass for trying to make up for your lack of judgment, and obviously still haven't learned shit about how to handle women."

"And you're the expert in relationships I take it...since when are psychology and counseling your area of expertise?"

"Since my best friend and the woman he tells me is the love of his life are too stupid to work things out on their own, and are about to make a huge mistake, if they can't get their act together once and for all."

"I honestly don't know what to do...tonight...tonight...she lied to me..."

"What exactly does that mean?"

"She told me she was stuck in surgery, when she was only avoiding me..."

"So how did you find out about it?"

"She told me."

"So Grey, actually fessed up...that she was avoiding you..."

"Well, after she knew I found out..."

"She told you the truth...about lying that is...and you probably did what, got pissed off and walked away."

"No I did not," he said defensively.

"Shep, I know you...you were probably brooding and pulling away from her...she's got issues man... you've got to decide if you want to stick around while she figures them out..."

"Of course I'm going to stick around."

"No of course about it...especially since you've got issues of your own to deal with."

"What the fu...Mark you don't know what you're talking about."

"Derek...you avoid as much as she does...and you don't even see it, you walked away from a marriage of 11 years instead of confronting the situation..."

"You know what, this conversation is over," he said taking a last gulp from his scotch as he set the glass down and was ready to get up.

"No it's not, and I'm bigger than you so if I have to I'll hold you down, I will. Now eat that food in front of you and let me order you another drink."

"You think you know everything."

"Because I do. Look, you're my friend, I've already screwed you over with Addie, but I told you I did you a favor with that...and well, I like Grey, and I think you two are good for each other, so I'm trying to help here."

"It may be too late."

"Snap out of it you moron, she loves you, whether she tells you or not."

"What makes you so sure?"

"I have a hell of a lot more experience with women than you do."

Derek laughed, "I can't even dispute that."

"Do you know she never went trick or treating?"

"What?"

"Her mother didn't allow it...something about not begging for food, never dressed up for Halloween."

"How do you know that?"

"She told me."

"No, I didn't know that," he said while Mark saw the far away look in is eyes.

"Don't make too much of it, it was just one of those things. We were scrubbing in, the boy without ears...and she mentioned she'd never been trick or treating."

"Uhmm."

"Derek, I'm telling you because it made me recognize some things about her..."

"You realize you may be bigger, but if you even dare..."

"I'm not giving you a chance at the other cheek...she's vulnerable Derek, and it's up to you how this turns out."

"Seems like a lot more has gone on between you..."

"You're my brother man...she's going to be family...I have to look out for her...especially since I'm going to have to protect her from Nancy and the rest..."

"I'll be there for her..."

"Just like you were last time Nancy was here?"

"Things were different."

"You better make sure things are different Shep, figure it out, she was really upset today."

"She told me...you'd been a very good friend today."

"Yeah, well, all I did was make sure everyone in that OR knew you'd chosen her."

"She didn't tell me that."

"I don't know how she did it, but she pulled it off, let me tell you," he said and proceeded to repeat the entire episode.

"You told Mer you were going to be best man, and she went along with it, in public?"

"I'm telling you, you don't know her as well as you think you do."

Almost immediately he felt the vibration of his phone, and looked at the message.

- U still at Joe's
- Yes
- Know messed up today didn't mean to
- I know
-are we ok?
-sure
-oh... ok
- ok

"I take it that's Grey."

"Yes."

"Why the long face?"

"We just need to figure things out."

"I suggest you do that sooner rather than later."

"Mark, a lot of what you said tonight, you're right. Thanks for being a good friend today, to both of us."

"Yeah...well, if you can pull this off, not only do I expect to be best man, but godfather to your firstborn."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"It's been said in public Derek... the OR...when you marry Grey...I'm best man..."

"Yeah...we'll see..."

"I told her, she could convince you to do anything...and she agreed...in front of everyone."

"She did not, that's not like Mer."

"Guess she's never had to claim...or is it "mark" her territory before," he laughed.

"She did that huh?"

"She most certainly did.. then she broke down and sobbed while scrubbing out."

"What happened?"

"I pulled her into my arms and held her till she cried it all out, and flirted with her."

"You're not going to get a rise out of me, I know she's not interested in you."

"Told her she better stop flirting with me, else you'd really get mad and refuse to let me be best man," he said successfully attempting to lighten his friend's mood.

"She did say something about that...no need for jealousy or such..."

"Go to her...you know it's what you want to do."

"Thanks...I'm glad...glad you're here in Seattle. I'd missed my friend."

"Just leave Shep, don't go all Mcdreamy on me..."

"Thanks again... enjoy your night."

"I plan on it...don't you worry about that."

Derek headed out of the bar, but first made a stop to talk to Joe.

Shortly after leaving Joe's Derek made his way to the hospital and reached the fourth floor nurse's station.

"Hello Debbie, how are you this evening?"

"Dr. Shepherd, what a surprise to see you here at this time."

"Do you know if Dr. Grey's on this floor?"

She attempted to analyze his every word and demeanor, as surely this would be something that would reach the rumor mill...and she had bet Rose was going to snatch him from under Grey's nose.

"She was in surgery a while back and couple of patients were sent to this floor, but then we've had several more come in from Mercy West."

"Thanks, if you see her, please tell her I'll be in my office waiting for her."

"Of course, Dr. Shepherd, have a nice evening."

Derek walked over to the surgical board and did not see her name, which meant she was at least not busy in the OR and should make it easier to find her.

Meredith felt the phone vibrate and smiled when she saw the message.

-where are u?
-grabbing bite to eat
-can u meet in my office
-you're here?
-yes
-ok

Suddenly all her fears came rushing in, and she had a bad feeling about him being at the hospital, but walked to his office ready to face whatever it was that had happened.

Derek was sitting at his desk, and she immediately misinterpreted him sitting behind his desk as desire for placing the physical barrier between them.

What neither realized is that both were extremely vulnerable, and their words and actions were simply a result of the fear of losing each other.

"Is everything ok?" she asked without looking at him.

"Yes, I was with Mark, we talked about what happened earlier today."

"Oh."

"He filled in a lot of the blanks, I wish you'd told me."

"I thought I had mentioned it all."

"Apparently not, you did not tell me you were close to passing out."

"I didn't though, he helped me...helped me get past it."

" Meredith, these panic attacks...I'm concerned, you need to do something..."

"I am, I've already made an appointment with the therapist."

"That's a first step, but you need to talk about it. If it happens again, you need to talk to someone about it right away."

"I will," she said, while feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness and feeling like everything had changed since she'd last seen him.

"Mark also told me about his comments about us...our being back together..."

"It wasn't me, he...he just started talking...and then...I ...I couldn't... had to go along..."

"I was just surprised...I mean, that you'd go along with him...especially the best man comment, I just don't think it's likely..."

Immediately upon hearing his words, she felt lightheaded and the room began to spin and she reached out to hold on to the edge of the desk.

"What's wrong," he said and immediately got up to reach her side.

"Nothing...just, look, don't worry, I understand...I'll just go now..."

"Meredith, I don't..."

"It's ok Derek, you spoke to Mark...I understand...and I was out of line, I never should have gone along with what he was saying...it's ...I embarrassed you...and well, don't worry..."

"What are you talking about," he asked her truly unable to follow her train of thoughts, but sensing somewhere along the way, even before she had walked in his office, he'd lost control of the conversation.

"You're mad...that he said that and I agreed...I shouldn't have...and it's ok...I'll make sure everyone knows he was only joking, that we're not..." she paused, reaching for him as she felt the room spin faster, "I have...have to sit down..."

He placed his arm around her and led her to the small sofa in his office, and immediately placed her head down between her legs, until he saw her recover some color and gently led her to a sitting position, and laid her head back against the sofa.

"What just happened? Was this the same earlier today?"

She didn't answer him, but he saw the sadness in her eyes, and knew something had gone terribly wrong from the moment she walked in his office.

"Meredith, what just happened...how often is this happening," he asked as he held her hand.

"I have to go."

"You're not going anywhere, you're going to talk to me."

"Please, don't make this harder than it already is," she said as she looked at him, unshed tears visible, and tearing at his heart.

"What...I don't know what the hell happened since you walked in the door."

"You don't have to pretend...you spoke to Mark...and he told you what happened, and you don't want people to think ...that...that's there's any chance...you and I...are...are..." she trailed off.

"Are what?" he asked softly, totally at a loss for words.

"Together...or that we've talked about weddings...or Mark being best man...and it's embarrassed you...and I get it...you came back to talk to me...to tell me that...that...you...don't think it can work..."

"What?" he asked raising his voice.

"You don't have to yell...I get it..."

"Ok...from whatever I've said...since you walked in here, you interpreted all that..."

"You said...said.. after I told you he talked about being best man...you didn't think it was likely...so I get it...you don't want that...not with me... not now..." she said with a broken sob, and he reached out to hold her as she cried.

"Oh...Meredith...please, don't cry... don't you see... I want that more than ever...with you...only with you..."

"But...you said..." she hiccupped, "and you came back here ...and we had already talked...and then you saw Mark...and your message was curt and short...and..."

"I spoke with Mark...mostly about you...and the fact that he thinks we're both being idiots..."

"He did not say that," she said a bit more composed.

"No, he didn't... but he thinks we belong together...and to quote him, that we need to get our act together..."

"He does?"

"He does...and I came back here because when I read your message, I sensed you were sad... and I had been curt...but not intentionally...just responding to your question..."

"You sensed I was sad...from my message?"

"Yes...even through text messages...I can sense what you feel..."

"Derek, I just ...I knew I was wrong...and I wanted you to know...and now...I messed things up again."

"You didn't...I just need for you to trust me...that I'm in this...with you...until we work through it, and not jump to conclusions..."

"But...I sensed you were sad as well...your message made me sad...as though you have given up...and that scares me so much....that you want to give up..."

"You know what," he said as he kissed her lips softly, "we have to stop these assumptions, and just talk to each other."

"Derek...do you know what I wanted to say...when I sent you the message?"

"What?"

"I was going to ask you ...if you were still at Joe's to stop by."

"Why?"

"To tell you in person...that I ...I was going to miss being in your arms tonight..."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because, the way you answered, I felt ...like you didn't really want to talk to me...or even text for that matter."

"I was having a conversation with Mark, and the minute you responded, I knew I was coming here to see you, to tell you I was going to miss you tonight...and make sure you ate...and I brought you something..."

"You did?"

"Yes...I did..."

"What did you bring?"

"Chocolate ice cream," he said and smiled.

"Oh....Derek, you remembered," she said and her eyes filled with tears as she leaned in to him and gently kissed his lips.

"I remembered. Meredith, no more holding back...ok...we tell each other how we feel, all the time."

"Are you going to tell me what else Mark said?"

"Maybe," he smiled and kissed her again, "but if he holds you again...and I find out..."

"Derek...you know I'm not interested in Mark..." she said quickly.

"Yes, but, he's worried I'll punch the other cheek," he said and they both laughed.

"Derek...can I ask you something?"

"No...pre-warnings about not getting mad," he teased her.

"Well, it's sort of telling you something too..."

"You can say anything to me," he told her as he reached out to caress her face.

"Today...earlier...when I pulled back...when I pushed you away...it's...it's the last thing I wanted...in the future...if I do that...would you please...please don't let me...don't let me push you away."

"If you promise you will do the same...because, it's not what I wanted to do either."

"I promise..." she said as she kissed him softly and buried herself deep in his embrace.

"Meredith, I think we both have fears and we need to tell each other...instead..."

"You have fears," she interrupted.

"Yeah...I have fears."

"I don't want to make you unhappy Derek...I want us to be happy."

"We will be happy...I know we will."


"You'll tell me...we'll tell each other when...when our fears are making us act like today...from now on, Derek, we'll do that?"

"Yes. I love you Meredith, don't ever doubt that," he said holding her tighter, gently caressing her back and kissing the top of her head.

"Derek, you're stuck with me...I'm never going to let you go..."

"So are you...and neither will I."