(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Walk Away?

The room became eerily silent, as he contemplated his answer.

He desperately wanted to say no. But, he couldn't lie to her, not now. If there was going to be a chance for them to get through their problems, and to build and strengthen their relationship, nothing but honesty between them would do, no matter how brutal the truth.

"I don't know."

He felt her resistance immediately, and then she pulled away from him. Slipping away from his arms, and without breaking eye contact, she simply said, "thank your for being honest with me," and proceeded to get out of bed.

"Meredith, don't walk away. It's not a simple yes or no answer."

"Isn't that funny, I thought it was," she said, and looked at him with such sadness and disappointment, that for a brief second, he wished he had lied. He had seen her face, felt her reaction as she flinched, as though she'd been literally slapped, and he felt her pain.

"Let me explain."

"You've explained. I understand."

"Don't give me that icy distant look. I have not explained, and you do not understand, because you have not let me finish what I want to say."

'Derek, really, it's ok. I should have known better than to ask a question, whose answer might not be what I wanted to hear."

He quickly got out of bed, and stood in front of her. "It's not ok for you to walk away, and the reason I said it's not a yes or no answer..."

She interrupted him, "you know what, I need a few minutes alone," and walked out of the room.

She walked downstairs a few minutes later, and was surprised to find Lexie sitting on the couch reading, and went to join her.

"Meredith," she looked up and asked, "what are you doing up?"

"What are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep, so figured I'd catch up on some medical journals."

"Ever the studious Harvard graduate."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No, Lexie, I'm not," she said without disguising the sadness in her voice.

"Are you ok?"

She let out a half laugh, "no...no... I'm not."

"But, I thought...you...you and Derek were fine...I mean if that's what's wrong...at dinner...it seemed as though...everything was..."

"Everything was fine... then I asked a stupid question....not stupid...I needed to know the answer...but maybe I shouldn't have asked...but, I did...and no, I'm not ok..." she said, and wiped a tear away from her cheeks.

"I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

"No, I'll figure it out," she said, and remained sitting quietly on the coach.

Lexie noticed she looked very tired and rather pale, almost as if she were experiencing some type of pain or discomfort, when Meredith got up and said "I'll be right back."

"Meredith, are you feeling ok, you don't look too well," she asked with concern when she came back and again sat on the couch next to her.

"I'm fine...just a bit of cramping, a lot really, which is pretty unusual for me...I'm regular to the day...and not a lot PMS other than maybe...a bit bitchy at times."

"So, maybe that's why you got upset...I mean more upset, at whatever you asked...and didn't like the answer..."

"No...I don't think it's the case this time."

"You know...if you want to talk..."

"Yes...and I appreciate it...you're good to talk to Lexie..."

Both seemed lost in their own thoughts when Lexie said, " Meredith... tonight... at the table, when you said...you said...well the toast to old and new friends...I felt...I thought... hope...maybe you meant...I might be your friend too."

"It is...exactly what I meant."

"I wish we'd had a chance...you...Mom...Molly and I...to spend time together...I think it would have been..."she paused, and wiped some tears away.

"Me too Lex...I think I would have like that too."

"I miss her so much."

"You know...I've missed her too, and as bad as my Mom was...there are days...I miss her too," she said, both girls misty eyed as they shared another moment of nurturing familial ties.

"We used to talk every day...and Daddy too...and now...I can't even talk to him..."

Meredith didn't know how they had found themselves on this topic, and wasn't quite sure what to say, before she heard herself saying, "Lexie, I'm really... really bad at the talking thing...but... if you need to...if you need to talk about ...Dad...Thatcher...I can be here for you too..."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"Are you going to talk to Derek, or are you going to leave him upstairs sulking or whatever it is he does all night?"

"You really are nosy aren't you?"

"I can see miserable when it's in front of me...and maybe you misunderstood..."

"I wish I had, but not this time."

"Don't you think you would feel better, if you talk to him? It always helps me when I talk things through...and Mer... you've already told me you love him... don't you want to try to work things out...maybe see his point of view ...you're already miserable...and maybe it can help... "

"I wasn't ready for his answer."

"Well, did he say something... like yes or no or whatever... and you didn't like the answer so you just walked out... or did you hare a chance to talk about it?"

"All I needed was yes or no... and he said he didn't know."

"Oh... that sounds to me like you need to talk about it."

"Figures you would be on his side..."

"I'm not on his side...I'm on yours...but, if he's going to be my brother-in-law anytime soon, well, you two have to work things out."

"Who says anything about brother in law... I may never want to get married."

"Keep telling yourself that...he's going to be my brother- in- law...I'd bet money on that."

"So... you would bet against me..."

"No...that would definitely be a bet for you...you being happy."

"You know," she giggled, "Cristina said you were like me on pep pills, are you... on pep pills?"

Both laughed, and things suddenly seemed just a little bit less serious, until Lexie, said quietly, "my brother-in-law is walking down the stairs."

"Lexie, I didn't realize you were up."

"Just hoping Meredith would stop talking and decide to go to bed," she teased, as her sister gave her a warning look, "and I can continue reading."

"I'm glad Meredith is in a more talkative mood than when she came downstairs," he said.

"Amazing really, what a bit of prompting can do...though she thinks I'm just nosy."

"Good night Lexie," he said. "Meredith, I'd like to speak with you, before I leave," he said extending his hand out to her.

All she heard was 'before I leave', and instinctively went on the defensive, refusing to accept his hand, she got up from the couch and started to walk up the stairs.

When they reach her bedroom, he walked in behind her and closed the door.

The tension around them was thick as low lying dark clouds, about to release a thunderous angry storm.

She'd walked to the window, and stood with her back to him.

"You and me," he said, and paused, holding his emotions in check, "you need to decide, because I can't do it for you...if you're going to trust me or not."

"What does it matter," she said, attempting to hide her fears and pain behind the blasé attitude, "you're leaving, aren't you?"

He walked up behind her and turned her to face him, and saw the tears streaming down her face.

"I won't stay where I'm not wanted."

"You said you were leaving. I didn't ask you to leave."

"You asked me a question that can't have a right answer, but you won't hear me out. You walked away, in the middle of a conversation, and then I find you chatting with Lexie, as though nothing has happened between us."

"I told you I needed some time alone."

"Yes, but you weren't alone. You could have been talking to me."

"I gave you time alone...the other night, when you asked me for it."

"But you came looking for me...as I did tonight, and I want to talk to you."

"You say I have to decide to trust you...Derek, what do you think I've been doing, the past few days, I've done nothing but trust you."

"Then why ask me a question, that is so very important to you, and then walk away."

"I though you would have said no."

"I couldn't say no, and I was not going to lie to you."

He heard her soft gasp, and brought his hand to her face, and gently wiped the tears away.

"I said, I didn't know, because that is the truth, and if you would have listened to why I said that, it's because, when I kissed her, it was not something that was not planned, it was not expected, it just happened, and I'm not sure if it under the same circumstances it would have been different."

"This is not helping Derek," she admitted.

"Meredith," you asked me if I had known that morning that you wanted us to date only each other, if I would have still kissed her."

"I get it... you don't know."

"Listen to me, please. It happened, unexpectedly, we were there, we'd almost lost a patient, and we kissed. Would it have still happened, maybe."

"Exactly what part am I supposed to listen to, that is supposed to make this any better."

"The part where I tell you, that regardless of my answer, regardless of whether I'd have kissed her or not, the results would have been the same, because nothing compares to what I feel when I kiss you."

"You're comparing me...our kisses...with hers," she whispered, and he saw the disappointment in her face.

"Let me finish and stop taking things out of context."

"How do you take, I don't know, out of context, or the fact that you're comparing us,"she insisted, defiantly.

"We have spent months, in this sex and mockery limbo, which by the way, I have absolutely hated, since the first time you used that expression to refer to what you and I have together."

"You didn't seem to mind, when we were having sex all over the hospital."

"I never mind having sex with you...it's the mockery I resent, because, you know there is much more between us than that."

"The why did you agree to it, why not break up with me, for good."

"You weren't ready and if that was the only way to keep us together, I was not going to walk away."

"But now...you said you're leaving...you want to walk away now?"

"I already told you. I'm not staying where I'm not wanted."

"That's how I felt," she whispered, "when you let me walk away."

"I can't change what I said or did that night, and I will always regret it. All I can give you is now. I love you. I want to be with you. I need you. I'll wait until you feel you're ready or until you decide you don't want us to be together."

"Derek, I didn't mean to say that...I don't want you to feel the way I did."

"You're going to have to make yourself perfectly clear, because I don't know what to think anymore."

"You can stay...if you want."

"It's not what I want Meredith, it's what you want."

"I need you."