(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Broken Hearts Mended Part 3

"I told Burke...that there was something wrong with you...but you wouldn't talk to me...he told me he and Cristina were engaged...and we joked that maybe neither of us would ever truly know the two of you."

"You spoke to Burke...he told you about the engagement?"

"Yeah...he wasn't supposed to...Cristina wanted to tell you first."

"Do you still feel that way?"

"What?"

"That you won't really know me?"

"No...not anymore...not after the last three weeks together...tonight..."

"I want you to know me Derek...all of me..."

"I want that too...and for you to know me."

"We're making good progress...aren't we?"

"Yes...yes we are," he assured her and brought her close to him and held her.

"You were probably right...I should have stayed...at the hospital that day, stayed with my mother...her last day..."

"Like you said," he murmured, stroking her hair, "we can't go back."

"Do you remember, that day...at the scene...the last time I saw you... "

"You were with a little girl that was lost..."

"I kept thinking...I was lost myself that day..."

"Why didn't you tell me...Meredith...that was the look I saw...I could not figure it out...but now...it all makes sense. We need to tell each other these things, and tonight...as painful as some memories are...you were right...we needed to talk..."

"I did...I needed to get all of these feelings...out...and tell you...and you need to talk to me too Derek."

"I am...I have...more than I've shared with many people...especially about my Dad..."

"We can do that...keep each other's secrets..."

"Yes...it helps...Meredith...sharing our secrets."

"I know...even when they're painful..."

"Even then," he said and kissed the top of her head.

"Derek...you asked me if I wanted to get married."

"I didn't know what was wrong...I though maybe...you weren't telling me."

"You didn't want to get married."

"I hadn't really thought about it...well, that's not true, I knew...I already knew I wanted to marry you..."

"You did?"

"I always knew that's what I wanted Meredith, it was only a matter of time."

"You did?"

"I did...but probably not that morning, not something I was thinking about."

"What if I had said...yes..."

"I'd probably have become one of your patients...in shock..."

"Ass," she said as she brought his hands closer around her.

"I'm getting used to that title, makes you wonder why you want to marry me," he joked.

"Well...I must say...you have a great ass," making him roar with laughter.

"I love you."

"Yeah...I seem to love you too," she said rolling her eyes.

"You seem to..." he said, tickling her... "uhmmm."

"Derek...do not...tickle me..." she warned, as she wiggled out of his arms, and stood in front of him. "I'll be right back," she said and walked to the bathroom.

"Meredith," he said, when she got back and joined him, "you have a great ass too."

"Well...what more do we need..." she laughed.

"Uhmmm...I can think of many other things..." he joked.

"So can I...but not tonight," she giggled.

"You're amazing, you know."

"I think you're biased."

"My opinion is really all that matters...I hope..."

"It is..." she said absently.

"What's going through your mind?"

"Now comes the hardest part...that day...when I fell in the water," she said and sat up straight next to him and looked in his eyes.

"How did you fall..."

"I was with the little girl, trying to get her to triage, when there was a man climbing up from the water...so I went to him, thinking she'd been taken by a police officer, but she wasn't...and she was there and she helped me find some instruments...I didn't want her to see all the blood but she helped me and I had stitched him up," and then...she paused...her breathing becoming uneven, " and then...he...I told him not to move...but he did...he was stronger than me...and..." her breathing labored, " and he...tried to get up...and he knocked me...knocked me into the water."

"Oh...oh...God...Meredith...ok...it's over...now breathe...you're ok...now...just breathe," he urged her and soothed her, as he himself was having difficulty breathing.

"I tried... Derek...I tried..." she said gasping for breath, "I swam... I did..."

"I know...I know..." he soothed her...reaching for her trying to comfort her.

"You don't believe me..."

"I do...I believe you..."

"No...you thought I gave up...that I just gave up..."

"I could not understand...how...how you didn't swim," he admitted.

"I did...I did try to swim...and fought to swim and then, the water was cold...so cold..." she said and shuddered, remembering, "and then...just...just for one second...I stopped...I did...and I'm sorry...I'm sorry...just seconds...and then...I couldn't ...I couldn't swim."

"Why...why for that second...did you give up?" he asked, this was their moment of truth, this conversation, and the moment of truth for them both.

"Suddenly, I thought...back to that one day she was lucid...one day...and I told her I was happy, that I loved you...and she...all she could think of was that I had let her down, that I was ordinary, and I didn't want to be that, ordinary, and I thought what was the use..." she looked at him with tears of regret in her eyes.


"I was there...there was us to fight for..."

"I know...that's why I came back...for you..."

"You keep saying that."

"It's the truth."

"Tell me."

"I will...but how did you find me."

"Bailey asked about you...and I started looking for you, I hadn't seen you in a while, and I came across the little girl...and I asked her about you, she wouldn't speak...but finally she took me to the water and pointed," he said, and took a deep breath, "and my worst fear materialized...I knew you were there and I couldn't see you."

"You rescued me, just as you'd wanted to do that morning."

"I held you in my arms, lifeless, blue...cold as ice..." he told her, "and I thought my life was over."

"But you didn't give up on me..."

"I couldn't give up...it would have been giving up my life as well."

"Tell me...please...what happened..."

"No...there's no reason to bring all of that up again...you don't need to go through that."

"Derek..." she said, and leaned over to kiss him softly, "I do need to know...I want to understand what you went through...just as you'll hear what happened to me."

"What...what does that mean..."

"Tell me...what happened...how long did you do CPR..."

"Meredith..." he protested.

"Derek...this is the last time...the last time we have to do this...but we owe it to each other...to understand what we both experienced that day."

"We ..." he started, "we got you in the ambulance...I did CPR...and nothing...you were..." he paused, the first of many pauses as he began to tell her the story, "and then...when you were in the room, they threw me out...they wouldn't let me be there, and I had my hand on your forehead...and you were so cold...and they forced me to leave...and I thought..." he said and broke down, "I thought I would never see you alive again."

"Oh...Derek..." she said in a sob, "I'm sorry...so sorry I put you through that, but it wasn't intentional...it wasn't...I fell in the water and I did give up...seconds...and then I couldn't ...couldn't swim."

"It's ok...it's ok..." he said as he reached out to hold her and let her cry, as he released his own tears of anguish of months gone by.

"No...it's not...I never should have given up...I had you...you were always enough."

"You said you came back...what does that mean."

"Finish telling me about you ...first...because I know...I know...you have not gotten over that, and I need you to tell me," she insisted.

"I sat outside your room, useless, unable to do anything to help...my life was slipping away from me...and I couldn't do anything..." he started and related all he felt that day, Mark sitting with him, how that was the first step in them regaining their friendship, the time spent with her mother...she already knew, but they talked about it again and his conversation with Addie where he had realized he had failed her, not recognizing the sings of her emotional state, and later he and Addie had spoken and she had told him, he was lucky that he'd found Meredith, that they'd never had what he felt for Meredith.

"Derek there was nothing you could do...it was just hours...you had been there for me the night before...and that day...none of us could have predicted."

"I was supposed to keep you safe."

"You saved me, Derek, you breathed for me...you were responsible for them being able to bring me back to life...those first moments...you know are critical...and you were there."

"I should have done more...that morning."

"We can't go back...we agreed."

"Yes."

"Derek...maybe...just maybe...Addie won't be the wicked wicked witch of the east."

"Really," he tried to smile.

"Yeah...if she got that about us...how we loved each other...maybe she'll only be the wicked witch," and made him smile, a genuine smile this time, as she held his hand.

"That was the first time I prayed...that day...in a long time...I sat with this man in the waiting room, his wife had been injured and he asked me...and I told him my girlfriend was injured too, and he asked your name and said he would have you in his prayers. And I began to pray...like I'd never prayed in my entire life."

"He answered your prayers."

"He did," he said, emotion making his voice catch as swallowed hard.

"Derek...thank you...I don't think I've ever said that..."

"For what?"

"For trying to save my mother's life."

"I hated what she'd done to you...and was in her room, and screamed at her, blamed her for what was happening to you...that if anything happened it was on her."

"You yelled at my mother...did she react," she said suddenly finding it funny.

"You're laughing?"

"I'm nervous...I'm sorry...it's not the right reaction, but this ...it's a lot Derek...we both could have died that day."

"Technically you both did," he said.

"Yes...yes we did," she acknowledged.

"You have not said much, I've been doing all the talking," he said, as he kissed her softly.

"I will..."

"I've told you everything...everything that happened while you were...while they worked on you."

"My turn."

"Your turn."

"Derek...you can't make fun of me..."

"Meredith...you died...you drowned...flat lined...how can I make fun of that."

"It's hard...hard for me to talk about it...but you need to know...I'm not sure what it was...maybe only a dream...but...it was real Derek, very real, frighteningly real," she said, "I died Derek...I don't know how long...I was gone...but I was gone."

"Oh...my God..." he said and began to have trouble breathing.

"Derek...look at me...look at me...I'm here...I'm ok...it's in the past...I'm here...telling you the story, breathe for me...take a deep breath... Derek...look in my eyes...I'm here," she kept saying until he calmed down.

"You were dead," he said, "and they kept me away...when you came back...they kept me away, even then I failed you," he cupped her face in his hands as tears fell, "and I knew...you could swim...and you didn't...and I couldn't live with myself that I had not done something more...that I had let you pull away."

"You did try...I didn't let you....and you have to stop...you are not to blame for what happened."

"They kept me away from you...you'd survived and they didn't tell me," he said and she rested her forehead on his, and then kissed him, a longing loving kiss.

"Well...we need to take that up...with whoever decided to keep you away, and have them give us an explanation...because...you were the first person I wanted to see, and stop it with this failing me crap...ok..."

"I think...it was Bailey...she wasn't sure...wasn't sure what condition you were in."

"Well...maybe we won't question her."

"Afraid of her?"

"You haven't questioned her," she teased.

"Well...she wasn't willing to hear my rant...she just walked away and called me an ungrateful stupid man that couldn't see the truth if it hit me in the face."

"She called in my favor..."

"What?"

"She had me work the clinic one day...invoked the day she saved my life and all," she joked with him.

"So...what happened..."

"This is not easy for me...ok..." she said, "so...I'm not sure...how I'm going to manage to tell you without...and my hormones are not helping Derek...this is a bit emotional for me."

"Hey..." he said and held her close to him, "you don't have to tell me now...we can wait," he assured her, thinking maybe it was more for him than for her in some aspects, as he didn't know how he would handle whatever it was she felt so strongly about.

"I felt myself gasping for air," she started, "it was horrible...and painful...that I remember," she said, "and then I was sitting on a gurney staring at Denny and Dylan."

"You were what?"

"Derek..."

"I'm sorry..."

"They said it was my afterlife," she began again, and recounted each of the details and the conversations as vividly as the day it happened, and told him about Liz Fallon and Bonnie and Doc, and both intermittently held on to each other as the emotions overwhelmed them.

"They said it wasn't heaven, that I'd called them there...wherever it was...and then...Denny ...I told him I fought and I did...Derek, but it was hard...and cold...and he accepted it, but then he asked me about the tub."

"He saw you in the tub," Derek interrupted her.

"That's what I said."

"Are you serious?"

"About the tub?"

"Yes...what did he say..."

"That they knew things...and they accused me of having little respect for life, but that is not true Derek...that is not true...even there I was trying to help...be a doctor...I don't disregard life...I don't...you have to believe that...and you know, because...even...even with our baby...Derek...even with our baby...that we couldn't even recognize...as a baby yet...I loved her...she was precious to me...Derek...you know that...and I told you...I'd never...I'd never consider..."

"Shush..." he murmured as he held her, "I know that...I do...I know that...and Brianna, she knows that too."

"I loved her Derek...even if she was too tiny...to even look like a baby...I loved her...she was ours...and I loved her."

"She knows that...she told you...remember....she told you..."

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

"No...no I don't...I don't think you're crazy at all...I wish I'd known this...much sooner, we could have worked through things differently, and you were right when you said I didn't ask...and I should have...I should have asked and we should have talked about this months ago..."

"He told me all the reasons I had to come back...but only one...only one mattered to me," she said, a she looked into his eyes, "he said if I didn't come back I would change who you were, that you were still an optimist...that you believed in true love and magic and soul mates...that you were waiting for me, and I knew...all my issues, I told them...my intimacy issue were so stupid...and I had to come back...it wasn't enough Derek...we hadn't had enough time...and he told me all we got...of the people we loved were just moments...moments of their presence if were we're lucky...and it wasn't enough...just a whiff...a whiff of you wasn't enough Derek...I wanted a lifetime...and then I came back and I was stupid...and I didn't talk about it...and I pushed you away...and we almost lost everything...all of it when I had come back...just for you...Derek...just for you," she cried softly.

He held on to her reassuring her, whispering endearments, telling her he loved her until her tears had stopped. "Meredith...I love you," he said again, waiting for her to respond, as she had not said anything for a long period of time.

"I love you too, Derek...I did...I did come back for you...please don't doubt it...I never would have purposely left you...I promise...it was just a second that I gave up...but...you never have to worry about that again...like I told Kathleen...and I wanted you to know that...all of this, before we got married."

"Hey...are you going to try to back out of this now...because I'm not going to let you."

"I'm not...not if you still want me...I'm not."

"If I still want you..."

"I wanted you to have a choice."

"He was right...Denny was right...if I'd lost you...my life would have lost all meaning."

"You saved me...you breathed for me...you...the need for you brought me back to life."

"And now...we're here...and there's not turning back...we got our second chance...and we've a lifetime of new memories...new memories to add to those that we will never forget."

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes...I do...and I'm in this...in this forever."

"So am I Derek...so am I,' she said and lost herself in his embrace and his kisses, and then lay in his arms.

"Derek..."

"Uh huh..."

"There's one more thing."

"Ok."

"While I was there...in that place...talking to Denny, they weren't sure if it was too late for me to come back...I told him I had to get back...and I saw my Mom dressed in blue scrubs...she would have liked that."

"You saw your Mom."

"She was walking down the hall, and I stepped in to the hallway and called out to her, and she said I shouldn't be there, and I told her she shouldn't either...and she just..."
she paused, and he let her cry at the memory as he held her. "She said, just keep going. Don't be a dam, and she hugged me Derek, for the first time ever that I could remember she hugged me, and she was already gone...and I hugged her...and it felt like my mother loved me for the first time...and then she was gone..."

"Meredith...I'm sorry...so sorry...I wish she had been different for you...I'm sorry."

"I know...but...at least I got to say goodbye Derek...I don't know what it was...a dream...or the afterlife...or whatever it was...I got to say good bye, and she said..." she stopped as tears continued to fall, "she said, you are...you are anything but ordinary, Meredith...she said that Derek...and maybe...maybe she believed that...do you think...she did? Do you think she changed her mind?

"I'm sure she changed her mind...because at that moment, I know she recognized she had an extraordinary daughter, and now even more then ever...I know your dream, Brianna's dream...that message...from your Mom, she loves you ...she always did."

"Thank you...for not thinking I'm crazy."

"You are far from crazy...you've been given two beautiful gifts...very spiritual gifts...saying goodbye to your mother...and our baby...those were very special gifts."

"And then, the last thing she said was, Now run! Run! and I did...I saw myself running through the halls and suddenly I felt like I was back in my body again."

"That's how you knew...when I walked in your room, that she was gone..."

"That's how I knew," she said and snuggled up to him.

"Do you want to lay down...you have to be tired...it's been a long day for you."

"No....I want to finish this...I don't want to have to go through it all like this again, I mean we can talk about it, you can ask me about it ...anytime...I'll talk to you about it...but...let's just finish...tonight...I want to go to bed with all of this, the conversation behind us."

"Ok," he said, not sure what more there could be that she wanted to say.

"Derek...I have to know...and I won't bring it up again...but now..."

"But..."

"Derek, you saved me...and I know you love me...I do...but you pushed me away...you began to pull away from me...you wouldn't answer my calls and then when I tried to get close to you, you pushed me away...you told me you didn't' want to breath for me...I need to know...will you feel that way again, because you never tried to pull me back in...you let me walk away, when I was most vulnerable...you let me walk away, even when I told you...something had happened to me...while I'd drowned, that I wanted to be better...you let me walk away."

He felt like he had been slapped, deservedly so, but the truth of her words wrapped themselves around his heart causing unbearable guilt and pain, keeping him from uttering a single word. The silence hung in the air, thick and heavy as the doubts began to rise as rapidly as the waters of an overflowing river, threatening to drag all signs of life with its life threatening current.

"Don't say anything," she said, reverting to the old familiar feelings of rejection, "I understand, this is why I wanted you to have the opportunity to hear what I had to say," and began to get up but he held her with a vice grip, keeping her at his side.

"You...you have made me feel unworthy and you have made me understand in one paragraph, all that I have to feel ashamed about, all of the actions that have been dishonorable...all of the times I have acted like a coward, instead of acting like the man that had found the love of his life, and would do anything to fight for her, to keep her safe and happy. You have brought to light all the reason I don't deserve you, and should have begged for your forgiveness all those months ago."

"That is not why I said those things to you...I just want to know if you are sure you want to take this on...I'm going to try...I'm trying to trust you ...and I am...and I'm going to go to therapy...and try to get healed...but...you ...I need to know if you want to be there...because I don't know what it all entails."

"I know that you are far too kind and loyal and forgiving, and I truly do not deserve you. But, Meredith, I am not willing to let you go...I will do all I can to redeem myself in your eyes, because all the tings you've said...they were the actions of a coward...who instead of fighting for my love for you...I gave up...I allowed my fear of losing you to override everything else...because for months after you drowned, my life had no direction, I lay at night in fear of you leaving me again...in fear that there had been damage that we had overlooked and you would stop breathing, and the meaning of my life would cease to exist...so instead of talking to you...I pulled away...and that distance brought us further apart...and I am deeply deeply sorry and ashamed."

"You spent months feeling that way..." she whispered quietly.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

He laughed softly, "Meredith...why don't we talk?"

"You have a point..."

"Losing you...the fear of it paralyzed so much of what I felt and did...and I couldn't tell you, I couldn't let you know...like the time...I couldn't put that on you."

"The chief's position....your interview," she said thinking back to various incidents, and realization dawning, "it was because of me...the reason it didn't go well...it was because of me."

"No...it was because of me...because of my cowardliness and immaturity."

"Derek...you deserved to have that...I remember it now...I had to be responsible, if you did not get chief."

"Listen...to me. You were not responsible. I got chief, and I turned it down."

"You did?"

"The day of Cristina's wedding, Richard offered me that position."

"He did...but..."

"I turned it down."

"Why...it's what you wanted."

"No, Meredith...I wanted it all...but most of all, I needed to work on my mistakes...and that meant not taking that position."

"Was I one of your mistakes?"

"No...you were the light at the end of the tunnel...my lifeline...the love of my life."

"But...we broke up...."

"We broke up..."

"And now..."

"Derek...before we make a decision...before you make up your mind... my mother...her words...telling me I was ordinary devastated me, because ever since I was little she told me to be extraordinary, and when she said that I knew I had failed. She was this talented extraordinary surgeon...and I had not been enough ... not for her, not for anyone...but now...I want you to know...I want to be extraordinary...not because of her...but because of me...because of you...because of the children we may have one day."

"You are already extraordinary..."

"I know...that you have fears...about me...drowning...about me...giving up again..."

"Meredith..."

"You have to let me finish...because...this...this defines who I am...and I am not a quitter...that day...the circumstances...all caught up with me...but I would never ever willingly leave you...you can count on that for the rest of our lives...I would not ever willingly leave you and our kids. I need to know you trust me, that you don't doubt me."

"I do trust you...after all we've been through...after today...I trust you...just like I need for you to trust me...and Meredith...we've made promises...and that's one thing we need to live up to...we cannot let each other pull away...this has to be the last time, the last time we need to have this conversation. Because, there will be times...we'll feel like pulling away...and fears keep creeping back in and our insecurities take hold and we will want to avoid dealing with our issues, but we have to hold each other to our promises."

She took a deep breath before she answered him, "Derek, when I was a kid my mother tried to kill herself," she said and watched the look of shock on his face, "we were at home and she took a scalpel and sliced her wrists in front," and the look turned to horror, "and I sat on the kitchen floor in a pool of her blood waiting for her to pass out so I could call 911..." she paused as she felt herself embraced by him.

"Oh my God...oh my God...Meredith..." he repeated. "You were a little girl...just a little girl..." he kept saying, as he held onto her and she felt the warmth of his tears on her cheek and on her neck, and for the first time in her life, she had someone that cried for her pain and understood the hell she'd overcome to become an extraordinary woman.

"Do you...do you understand...why...why I would never to that...why I'd never hurt my children or the man...the man I love above all else...why I'd never willingly have left you."

"Yes...yes...I'm sorry...so sorry. Who took care of you...you were a kid...who took care of you..." he asked, and she sat, cuddled in his arms as she told him in detail what had happened, until both were emotionally spent.

"Derek...we need to get some rest...let's go to bed."

"You have one more promise to make me..." he said looking deeply into her eyes.

"What?"

"No more secrets...no more holding back...whatever it is...we share it...no more fine...no more avoiding...we talk...we share our lives."

"You have my word."

"You have mine," he said and kissed her softly, and they held each other for a few minutes more in complete and utter silence.

"Derek..."

"Meredith..."

"Do you want to get married in Venice?"

"I thought you'd never ask," and finally after hours of heartbreaking memories and painful discoveries their carefree laughter echoed through the room.

They walked to the bed, physically and emotionally exhausted and lay lay nestled in each others embrace, exchanging kisses filled with tenderness and spoke of promises to be fulfilled and the passion waiting patiently to be unleashed.

The end of their day came to a close at nearly three in the morning, weeks after a new dawn had brought the beginning of a painful road of self discovery, doubts and often times despair. Then, Meredith and Derek dreaded the dawn of a new day. Each had been unaware, that the feeling of hopelessness would pass, that it had been merely a moment in time, a painful and sad moment in time that had lead them down the path to rediscovering each other, to the beginning of a life filled with unexpected revelations, pleasures, trust and hope that would cement and nurture their relationship for a lifetime.

As the Venetian dawn drew near, Derek knew without any doubts, he had been given another chance to regain her trust, to win her back, to prove to her he loved her, because all the other options had been unacceptable. They had figured it out, they had found the way to stop it all from continuing the spiral downfall that seemed inevitable over three weeks before. Each had discovered life without each other wasn't living; it was a mere existence neither was willing to endure.

Derek held her, awake long after she had fallen asleep, his heart breaking over the pain she'd suffered and vowing to make up for all the love that had been lacking in her life, but filled with wonder over the woman he loved, her compassion and loyalty to her mother, and if it was even possible, tonight he loved her even more.

He waited until he was certain she was asleep, the familiar snoring bringing a smile to his face, and he slowly got out of bed and reached for his phone and made two phone calls, determined she would never feel the void or absence of a family again.