(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Healing Hearts Part 2

Kathleen opted for sitting on the bed next to Meredith, she really needed to get on Derek's case, there wasn't a comfortable seat in that trailer. Even the chairs outside were uninviting after a couple of hours of sitting on the hard wood.

"Is this a Shepherd habit," Kathleen heard Meredith say, "watching people sleep?"

"Meredith, I'm sorry...there wasn't a damn comfortable place to sit in this trailer," and got up from the bed.

"It's ok...and you're right...we haven't paid much attention to that..."

"I can tell...you spend more time in bed..." she teased.

"I'll be right back," Meredith said and returned a few minutes later and asked, "where's Derek?"

"He went with Mark to get your car."

"That's good...that he's here...and you," she said quietly and sat on the edge of the bed, "do you mind, if I lay down?"

"Not at all, you need to rest, and Derek didn't want me to wake you. I'll go sit outside for a bit if you'd like."

"No...please...stay...I wanted to see you," and Kathleen saw the glimmer of tears, and walked from where she was standing and came and sat next to her.

"I wanted to see you too," she said softly and looking into her eyes.

"It hurts Kathleen, it hurts so much..."she said, unable to keep the tears from falling.

"I know...I'm sorry...so sorry..." she said and reached out to hug her, and the moment she did, Meredith broke down and cried, and Kathleen held her as she would one of her kids and offered the comforting arms only a loving mother could.

Mark drove and both men were silent on the way to Meredith's car, which she'd left by the site for their new home. Both got out of the car, and Mark followed Derek to a spot
overlooking Seattle.

"This is your living room window..." Mark commented.

"Yeah...but that may change."

"How come, you have it all figured out."

"Meredith...she told me she wanted us to look at the plans..."

"That's good, isn't it?"

"Yeah...of course...but she may want to make some changes."

"I'm sure you won't have any problems with that."

"She can make any changes she wants."

"Whipped."

"Yeah... maybe I am..."

"No buts about it..."

"I love her Mark."

"I know you do, and she loves you."

"I wonder why ...like now...all the pain I've caused her...I wonder why..."

"Well, lots of us have pondered that...but, hey, love's blind."

"Are you fucking serious...you're saying this to me now..." Derek said indignantly

"Shep, lighten up, I'm screwing around with your head, because you are so ridiculous it's not even funny."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"That's just it...you're being damn irrational...your talk earlier, about only bringing her pain, what the hell kind of shit is that? She loves you man, she was thrilled that you were having a baby...she tolerated my teasing her and exposing her private life in the OR...proclaimed myself the bestman at her wedding...that non existent proposal you've yet to make, and you are thinking you only bring her pain...and if you're good enough for her..."

"I didn't' say anything about being good enough."

You didn't have to. I know you...I screwed your wife, Derek... she cheated on you, and you've been questioning if you're good enough ever since...what you don't know is that you always were, it was the two of us...Addison and I that were shit...we were the ones that were not good enough to deserve your trust and love and friendship, and you still tried...you still gave her a chance...and me...fuck...you gave me another chance..."

"How the hell do you manage to spout off actual words of wisdom, just when I think there's never been a more shallow man...you shock the living hell out of me..."

"That's bullshit...you know...behind the manwhore exterior...this is who I am...at least to you...to my brother...and the people I love."

"And you've taken Meredith under your wing..."

"She's the love of your life...I owe you...I need to protect her...make sure she's ok...for you...I screwed with Addison...I took her away from you...though, don't get me wrong I did you a favor...but Meredith...I need to make sure she's ok...and safe...the two of you...I need to make sure you're both ok...and that means making sure the two of you are together."

Mark saw the reaction to his words, Derek trying to hold it together, and all he needed to do was reach out and place his hand over his arm and squeezed. "I'm going to be your bestman...and that better be soon...and one day...and I can't say this to Grey now...but one day...I' going to be standing here on this land...celebrating your first...your next child's birth and baptism...and that is not that far away...."

Derek placed his hand over his, "that's a deal," he said swallowing past the lump in his throat.

"Derek, one more thing."

"Yeah..."

"The miscarriage...you can't blame yourself...neither of you can. You are a doctor, you know these things happen, so the earlier talk...the stress you think you may have caused, that's not whey this pregnancy ended...you know that...this was not related to stress...and I don't think Meredith would appreciate knowing what you were thinking earlier."

"When did you become a mind reader?"

"Since you became a moron."

"She's not going to know."

"Not unless you tell her."

"Mark...one day...I expect to be your bestman...and Meredith and I...we'll be godparents to your first child."

"You...you never know," he said, and smiled.

Meredith composed herself a bit later, and said quietly, "I'm not like this...I'm not, not usually so emotional...but...now...Kathleen...all I want to do is cry...and I can't do that to him...I feel I have to stop, I'm trying so hard when he's around, but I can't help it."

"He doesn't want you to stop...he wants to be there for you, he didn't even want to leave to go get the car, but I pushed them to go."

"He...he needed to see you and Mark...I needed for him to have someone else...not just me," she said as she wiped the tears away, "he needed...to be away from me a while."

"Honey, he is concerned about you, he doesn't want to be away from you, he does not want you to be alone...not one second...and if that means you feel like crying...I know he doesn't mind...he understands," she said very softly, and reached for her hand, offering comfort.

"He's been ...I could not have done this without him...Kathleen...he held me all night... hours and hours...while we waited..." she told her and then stopped when the soft cries kept her from talking, "we didn't even know Kathleen...not even when our baby was due... and it feels...I feel so empty...and so silly at the same time...I didn't even know if I wanted children...until Derek...and now...that the baby is gone...I failed him...him and our baby."

"Meredith, honey, you did not fail him or the baby...these things happen, and we don't understand why...and all those feelings you have, they are normal, but you heal...your body heals first...and your heart heals, with time, I promise you...your heart does heal."

"You're giving me shrink talk," she said looking at her slightly accusing.

"No...no shrink talk..." Kathleen said quietly as tears filled her eyes.

"You had babies Kathleen, you didn't fail...you and your husband have kids... a family."

"And so will you..." she assured her.

"I'm not so sure, it seems that everything in my life is meant to go wrong...like nothing can ever go right...even this Kathleen, Derek and I are always so careful..."she paused, "I'm sorry...maybe...he's your brother...I shouldn't."

"Don't forget...I'm your older sister now...you're not taking that away from me."

"I need to talk...I do...and I can't say some of these things to him, I don't want him to hurt anymore..."

"I'm here...you can talk to me."

"We fought, earlier today...we fought...and we hurt each other...we're both falling apart and we had a disagreement ...and I want to stop doing that, but Kathleen, he misunderstood what I said, and I thought we wanted to walk away...walk away from me...and I was so afraid...so scared to lose him...I'd already lost our baby...and I was hurting and sad...and I need to stop doing that...and he did...he stopped me, but how do I to stop the doubts... this overwhelming sadness....but Kathleen when I saw...I saw my baby...our baby," she said sobbing, "and it was all over...and I couldn't do anything to stop it."

"Oh...Meredith," she said and hugged her, and both women cried, "I'm sorry...you had to go through that...I am so sorry," she said, and Meredith recognized the pain in her voice, and pulled away and faced her.

"Kathleen...are you ok?"

"Yes...yes, of course...you're the one I'm worried about."

"What's wrong," Meredith insisted, as she watched Kathleen continue to cry.

"Do...do you remember...Derek and Mark teasing me...about Mom telling...telling her," she stopped and brushed away her tears.

"That you were together...having sex...you and your husband before you got married?"

"Yeah..." she said and became lost in her own thoughts.

"Kathleen..."

"We were together almost a year before we were married and about two months before our wedding, I found out I was pregnant, almost eight weeks along..."

"What did you do...how did you keep it from people..."

"We didn't have to."

"But...Derek said your Mom...she didn't know you were together..."

"We were shocked, not very happy at first...not like you and Derek...but once we got past the shock...we were very excited, we were going to tell the family...Sunday dinner...and then...that morning, I got up...and before I knew it...the baby was gone...and when you just said....when you said...you saw your baby...it all came back...it did...because...that was the most painful moment of my life...losing the baby...and recognizing...it was...it was the baby ...and the guilt...that I had not wanted it...at first...and then...when we did...when we were so happy ..."

"It is," Meredith said and reached for her hand, "it was the most painful devastating moment of my life...and I can't tell Derek...I can't...he doesn't need to know."

"I've never shared that with anyone...the miscarriage...only the two of us knew...but...what I felt...what I saw...I've never told anyone before."

They reached for each other, understanding the other's pain and cried for their loss.

It was at that moment Derek walked in the door. "What's wrong...Meredith, Kathleen, what's wrong," he said panicking, and pulling Meredith away from Kathleen's embrace, "Meredith, are you all right, do we need to go to the hospital?"

"No...I'm fine...I am..."

"What did you do, Kathleen, I leave you with her...and you make her this upset, I trusted you to be with her."

"Derek...stop, Kathleen did not do anything...I'm fine...really," she said.

"You're fine, and I find both of you here sobbing?"

She got up and kissed him softly, "I'm fine...we both are, now apologize to your sister because you were not very nice."

"I...I thought...I walked in here..."

"Derek..."

"I'm sorry Kathleen...I should not have jumped to conclusions."

"I get it...it's ok," she said and rose from the bed to walk away.

"Don't go," Meredith reached out to her, "let's finish our talk," she said and sat back down on the bed and pulled her to sit next to her.

"Do I take it I've been dismissed."

"Yes."

"Kat," he said and leaned down to kiss her cheek, "I'm sorry, you did not deserve that."

"I understand, I really do, and before you go, I want to say something to you both."

"Now?"

"Yes, now...sit down..." she said, and he did between her and Meredith.

"This, what you are experiencing, it's probably one of the most painful things the two of you as a couple will have to deal with, and as your sister I wish I could help take the pain away, but I can't...but you have to deal with it...and now, as a psychiatrist, I have to tell you that you need to deal with your grief...you need to talk about it...Meredith is going to want and need to do this, and so are you...don't keep your feelings from each other... each of you will grieve differently, you need to be sensitive and respectful of that..."

"We're trying..." he said.

"Yes, you are...and I have to tell you I'm very proud of both of you...I came out here four days ago, and I had no idea what happened, and now...seeing you two, dealing with this loss....losing your baby and listening to how each is trying to comfort the other...be there for each other...you've grown...so much...Derek...Meredith...you two are going to be just fine...just remember, you have to talk...communication...that is the key...talk to each other...don't assume you know what the other means or expects, talk about it...clear things up... and sometimes...know that all you need is to hold each other in silence, and the love between you will take care of the rest."

"Kathleen..." Meredith said, trying to stop her, knowing she was remembering her own grief.

"It's ok...Meredith..."

"What's going on?" Derek asked her.

"I just want you two to understand it takes time...Derek, Meredith will want to talk...or not...and she may cry, and be moody and her emotions will be all over the place... her hormones will take weeks to be back to normal, in addition to dealing with this loss. Just be there."

"He has been, Kathleen..." she said reaching for his hand, "he's been my strength...my comfort..."

"You are going to get through this...and I want you to know, if you need me, either one of you, I'm a phone call away, and Derek, you don't get to keep things bottled up inside, you need to talk about your feelings. Meredith...he's going to feel differently than you are...but you will need to do this together."

"We are...we are going to get through this together," Derek said, "and you have been a wonderful sister."

"I know..."

"Another common trait..." Meredith teased them, "humility."

"He's the cocky one...not me..."

"Derek, give us a few minutes," Meredith told him, and leaned in to kiss him softly.

"Mark wants to see you...are you up to it?"

"No...but I will...in a few minutes," she said, and watched him walk away.

"Kathleen, are you ok?"

"Yes...thank you...for being so supportive...that meant the world to me."

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to bring back..."

"Listen to me...you do not apologize for your loss or your grief...it just happened...that for whatever reasons...I think fate meant for us to share this...this moment together...think about it..."

"You believe that?"

"I do...I told you, sometimes God answers our prayers in unexpected ways...and he gave us each other today...for strength and acceptance."

"I believe He did."

"Meredith...if it helps...if it helps you...you can tell Derek...you can tell him about my first baby..."

" I wouldn't betray your confidence."

"I'm telling you it's ok...because he may also need to hear that beyond your loss, there's hope...and knowing I've given him tons of nieces and nephews may help...may help you both have hope for the future."

"Kathleen...do...do you think this happens again?"

"My family does not know why, if I'd told her about the miscarriage, it would have meant explaining to Mom we had indeed been having premarital sex ...but I counsel a support group for parents that have gone through this..."

"I did not know that..."

"We've just met...but now, other than my husband, you are the only one that knows the reason why...and you need to know that after a miscarriage, such as yours...there's absolutely no reason for you not to have a healthy pregnancy...just look at me..."

"How long...I mean...I don't think Derek and I are going to talk about a baby right away, this baby wasn't planned, but...just to know...how long was it before you got pregnant...before you had your next baby?"

Kathleen swallowed past the lump in her throat and reached for her hand, "see that...what you just said...that ..." she said with tears in her eyes.

"What...I'm sorry, I don't know what I said...I didn't mean to be insensitive."

"Honey, you weren't....you talked about my next baby...you did not dismiss my first one...as so many people tend to do...because Meredith...it was my first baby...as much as yours was...and you will always remember."

"That's what Derek said...that our baby would always be with us, in our hearts."

"And he's right..."

"Kathleen, we've been through an emotional rollercoaster, Derek and I..."

"You have...and it's not over..."

"Do you mind...telling me...how long...before your second pregnancy?"

"I'm not sure you want to hear the answer," she smiled.

"Was it long?"

"Uhmmm...exactly eight months and five days after our wedding."

"Oh."

"Mom is convinced that was the first time we had sex...and her grandchild was conceived that night."

"But...she also thinks the baby was early...."

"Yes she does..."

"You didn't wait long...did you want to get pregnant?"

"We didn't think about it...we just couldn't wait to be with each other, and four weeks later threw caution to the wind...and didn't do anything to avoid it...hence the first of the fourteen grandchildren..."

"Kathleen...the other night...you said you've been through all your sisters pregnancies...I said all fourteen of them....your answer....you were thinking about your baby..."

"Yes..."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that...but...I'm glad you shared this with me."

"Meredith...so am I...finally after all these years...I can share my grief with someone other than my husband."

"I...I may want to tell Derek...I'm not sure yet...but I may want to."

"It's up to you...whatever you do...it's ok with me."

"He's probably sitting out there worrying...we should go outside."

"Are you sure...you're ok with seeing Mark? You've been through a lot of emotions today.

"No...I know I'm going to slobber all over him...but I want to see him too, I'm going to change, put something warm on," she said and started to walk to the closet when she saw the flowers for the same time.

"Kathleen...you brought flowers...that was..." she said but was interrupted.

"No...Mark brought them..." she said without elaborating, technically, it was the truth.

"That was sweet...I'm going to change, I'll be out in a few minutes."

Kathleen walked outside and told them, "Mark, Mer thinks you brought the flowers, technically you did, and she asked me if I did, and I said you had, which technically you did, you brought them, even if they are not yours, so you need to tell her they know."

"When are you going home?" Mark asked.

"What?"

"If you stay here any longer we'll have a rambling trio," he said, and all three adults laughed, just as Meredith walked outside.

"It's good to hear you laugh, what did I miss?"

"Kathleen rambling."

"And of course you were making fun of her...and Lexie...and me..."

"Yeah...we were," Derek said watching her carefully.

"I take it Mark would have been the one to comment on that?"

"Who else?" Kathleen teased, watching her reactions as well, as she saw her walked towards him.

"Thank you," she said, when she reached him, and very quietly, "for caring about us."

"I'm sorry..." he said as they looked at each other, and he saw the tears in her eyes, and reached out to embrace her, "I am so deeply sorry for your loss," he said deep emotion evident in his voice.

"You would have been the most...wonderful...godfather," she said, and broke down and cried in his arms.

Kathleen walked to Derek and held out her hand, and he too embraced her and heard her soft cries, and instinctively understood that what the two women had shared when he had walked in the trailer was deeper than he had imagined, and knew he would ask Meredith, and very likely would find himself apologizing to Kathleen again.

"Meredith...don't cry... please...you're going to make me cry too," he said half jokingly, as he already with tears in his eyes, " but....thank you...thank you for that...you have no idea how much it means to me."

"I think...I think I do... Mark...be there for Derek...please...he needs you..."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"You better let me go," she said suddenly feeling her spirits lifting, and sending a silent prayer of thanks for the support offered by Kathleen and Mark, "Derek is going to get jealous...he doesn't like that you're my semi knight..."

"Semi..." he teased her.

"Yeah...only one true knight in my heart," she said and pulled away from him and kissed his cheek, "only one."

"Go to him," he told her, and hugged her one last time, "he needs you too."

Kathleen was sitting in one of the chairs, and Meredith walked to Derek and wrapped her arm around his waist. "We're very lucky," she said, "Kathleen, Mark, thank you...for being ...the best family I could have ever asked for."

Derek hugged her, and walked with her to the chair, sitting her on his lap. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," she smiled.

"Really?"

"Really."


"Hey guys, I don't know about you," Mark commented, but I'm starving, and we said we would not stay late."

"Yes...Mark...we know you have a late date," Kathleen teased him.

"That has nothing to do with it...Kat, don't be annoying, Meredith needs her rest."

"I'm fine ...but I could eat," she said surprising Derek.

"You're hungry?"

"Not so much...but a little."

"Good."

"We can go inside, I got everything ready in the ...shall we say small dining area."

"Are you making fun of our dining table, Kathleen?"

"Not only the dining area, but the whole damn sitting area, Derek there isn't one single comfortable place to sit in that trailer...and I ended up having to sit on the bed while Meredith was sleeping."

"Your point Kathleen...they only use the bed," he said ad earned a slap across the back of the head, "don't be an ass."

"It's true...ask them..."

"Kathleen....he does have a point," Meredith laughed, and when Derek heard her, he felt their world would indeed be all right.

"Be that as it may...Derek you need some chairs...something...well, what you need is a real house," she said as she walked in to the trailer and proceeded to take over the role of hostess.

"I was wondering how long it was going to be before we got the bossiness back," Mark teased her.

"You...are going to miss me like hell..."

"Well...you know what....you're right..." he quipped.

They shared a pleasant meal, allowing Meredith and Derek to forget some of the sadness that had overshadowed their lives, and then Kathleen's phone rang.

"Oh, crap...I can't get that..."

"Why not?" all three adults asked.

"It's Jenna."

"Oh shit," Derek commented, "if you don't, my phone's going to be ringing next."

"I'll answer..." Mark joked.

"Have you lost your mind," Kathleen told him.

"No, but you have, I'm joking, I can't answer you phone, that husband of yours would be after me in a second after Jenna opens her mouth...that we're together, he'd find out about our affair."

"Oh, you ass," Kathleen cracked up.

"See...you needed to see the humor in that."

Sure enough, Derek's cell phone vibrated next, and they proceeded with dessert.

"I can't believe I forgot, Mark, thank you for the flowers, they are lovely."

"Flowers?" he questioned, earning a kick from Kathleen and a scowl from Derek.

"Yes, the flowers you brought."

"Oh...the flowers...well, yes...you see, it's kind of a long story, or not, maybe a long story...but Kathleen, you go ahead tell her..."

"What?"

"Ok, what's going on...even Mark's rambling...and this is probably about the same thing you were laughing about when I walked outside."

"Meredith," Derek said gently, "Mark brought the flowers, but they are not from him."

"But, Kathleen said..."

"He did bring them...but...they're from your friends...Cristina, George, Izzie, Alex, Lexie and Miranda."

"Oh...they know..." she said, and became quiet.

"You know I spoke to Miranda this morning," he said as he held her hand, and caressed it, "and that Kathleen called Mark and Lexie..."

"Yes."

"Meredith, I opened my big mouth," Mark owned up to it. "I thought...and I'm sorry, I probably should have kept quiet...but I thought they needed to know...they are your family...and when you go back, I didn't think...I just thought they should know so they can be there for you...and I told them...they damn well better keep this ...keep the rumor mill away from this...from your loss.."

"They sent flowers," she said, and tears escaped the corners of both eyes.

"I'm sorry...I should have asked you first...but..."

"No," she said, "it's ok," and reached across the table and gently squeezed his hand, "I'm glad you told them...I am...it makes it easier for us, right Derek?"

"Yes...we would have wanted them to know."

"Mark, I don't know...I don't...know when I'll be ready to be open about this to everyone...but what I do know...is I'm not going to deny I was pregnant...we...Derek and I were going to have a baby...and I'm not going to keep that a secret...if people find out...though it's not anybody's business, I'm not going to keep it a secret...I'm sad, and I'm going to be emotional...and if it feel like it's the right thing to do, I'm going to talk about it...unless...unless Derek doesn't want me to."

"Why wouldn't I want you to...I feel the same way you do... I'm going to be there...whatever you need."

Kathleen's phone rang again, it was their mother, and minutes later her husband.

"Hi honey, did world war three break out, Jenna and Mom called," she said, and paused to listen to his answer.

"Well, I'll deal with them when I come home. Yes, I'm here at Derek's. She's ok, we spent some time together today," and then she reached out for Meredith's hand and squeezed it gently, "yes, we did...yes I'm ok too."

Derek realized then the reason for her sister's crying earlier, and their gazes locked, as he placed his hand on top of theirs, and he saw the tears in his sister's eyes as silent acknowledgment, that now he knew as well.

"I'm flying home day after tomorrow...first flight out..."

She heard all three reactions "oh...why..." and a sigh.

"And the chorus has voiced their disapproval," she joked, "but I miss you more..." and they heard her laughter at whatever he's said, "I'll call you...as soon as I'm in bed tonight...and honey, you should see the shocked expressions on these faces..." and laughed again, "as though they've never heard of phone sex."

"Kathleen..." Derek exclaimed.

"What...you're old enough to know about this...surely," she teased him, and Mark and Meredith laughed.

"Ok honey, I'll call you in a little while...I love you too."

"I cannot believe you just had that conversation in front of us," Derek insisted.

"I cannot believe you are a prude."

"He's not...trust me."

"Meredith..."

"Derek...she knows we've had sex..."

"Plenty of it in fact...Kathleen the stories I could tell...every on call room..."

"Ok...Mark, that's enough..." Derek said with mock embarrassment, "this is my sister."

"The sister who unashamedly announced she was going to have phone sex as soon as we can get out of here," Mark commented and they all laughed.

Meredith, who was sitting next to Derek, leaned over and kissed him, "I've missed all our escapades...surely...you remember," she teased.

"Every moment with you, is unforgettable," he said, and kissed her back deepening the kiss, oblivious to Kathleen and Mark's smirks across the table.