(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Broken

Derek Shepherd was a broken man.

He'd made every attempt to hold himself together while he was on the phone with her, but the pretense was over the minute their conversation had ended.

With just a few words she'd brought to life his greatest fear. The fear of losing her again, that she'd feel the same way again that led to her giving up, that the next time, he may not be around to save her.

He'd driven home, and now paced the length of the trailer, running his fingers through his hair in frustration, absolutely clueless as to what he was supposed to do, how he was supposed to help her, how to help themselves survive yet another major hurdle in their relationship.

He'd known she was angry when he'd followed her home, and he'd made many allowances for her reaction, fully convinced hormones were playing havoc with her emotions. He was not, however, prepared to listen to her utter the single most frightening statement of his life, that she might have preferred joining her mother.

It took all the will power in the world not to break down at that moment, but now, he had no witnesses. No Meredith to witness his complete and total despair.

He searched for the bottle of single malt scotch and poured a glass, swallowed it as quickly as he'd seen the amber liquid fill the glass, and then another, and while he downed away the sorrow that filled his heart, he thought of the woman he loved and how his past actions had made her feel so much pain and so many doubts, doubts he alone had created, that she considered being dead less painful than being alive and sharing her life with him.

He got ready to pour another glass, when suddenly it hit him, that she'd said those words, even knowing she was very likely carrying their child, and the anguish took over, as he grabbed the glass and hurled it across the small distance shattering into hundreds of small broken pieces.

A sob escaped him as he sat down, and placing his elbows on the table he buried his face in his hands and unleashed months of pent up emotions and sobbed uncontrollably.

He lost track of time as he sat there and each word she said kept flowing through his mind, each time casting more doubts, more fear of what their future may hold.

He hadn't been able to help before, when she drowned, he hadn't recognized the signs. He felt he hadn't been enough for her to want to swim. Now, in spite of the many assurances she'd offered, that she did not mean what she said, all he could do was worry about her. Worry about her emotional state of mind, as well as physical well being, because whether she was pregnant or not, something was not quite right.

Finally, he made himself get up, pick up the broken glass and head for the shower.
Thankfully, the hot shower's soothing effect helped him to also begin thinking of their last few days together, and he laid down to rest.

Sleep eluded him, but thoughts all they had shared, the deep and raw emotional conversations they'd been forced to confront gave him a bit of hope, that somehow they would make it together. He wished desperately that he were with her, that he could change the events that took place and had forced her to talk, to deal with the situation, and above all that he had stayed.

Meredith, tossed and turned unable to sleep. After Lexie had left, she had begun to feel restless and almost got in the car and drove to Derek's sensing a deep need to be there for him, to comfort him was utmost in her mind, though she knew she craved the deep need to be safe in his arms. Unable to stand her anxiety any longer, she gave in and called.

He picked up the phone by on the first ring.

"Derek..."

"Meredith...what's wrong, what's going on?"

"Nothing...I couldn't sleep, and I'm sorry it's late...but..."

"You can call me any time, day or night...but what's wrong ...please tell me..."

"There's nothing wrong...just...I felt...it's silly...but I felt you needed me."

"I did...I do...it's not silly," he whispered.

"Derek, you needed me?"

"Yes, I needed you...and I desperately longed for you to be in my arms...so I could comfort you and love you...and we can ease each other's fears..."

"You...you have fears..."

"Yeah...I have fears..."

"Because of me...what I said..." she said softly, and he could sense the tears about to fall.

"Hey, no crying."

"How...how do you know..."

"Because I sense your every emotion, you're the love of my life Meredith...I feel you...and need you..."

"I sensed you too...tonight...right before I called, I sensed you were so sad...and I wanted to be there to comfort you too...and have you hold me in your arms...and I need you Derek...I needed you too, tonight, I needed you so much..."

"I'm coming over now."

"No, please get some sleep...we agreed, neither of us driving...now that we've talked again...and you're ok...right?"

"Yes, I'm ok now."

"It's because of me...isn't it...what I was feeling...it was my fault...what I said tonight, you've been thinking about that."

"Hey, stop with that...nothing is your fault."

"Now, I know you're lying..."

"I love you Meredith."

"Oh, now I know I'm in trouble..."

"You're not, I just need you to know that I love you, and nothing will ever change that."

"I love you too, Derek, and I promise you...I promise you that I will make it up to you...what I said tonight, I will make it up to you...so you don't ever have doubts."

"We're going to be ok...just get some rest tonight...please."

"Will you call me, if you can't sleep."

"Yes."

"You're lying, but that's ok."

"Get some sleep."

"Derek, I don't want to hang up...I want to feel close to you."

"Then, will stay on the phone."

"You'd do that...for me..."

"I'd do anything for you."

"I don't do much for you...except mess things up..."

"Listen to me, please...can you just remember that I love you...and will you get some rest, don't think anymore...Meredith...please..."

"I can't do that...I'll think of you...and...us...I'll think of us...and Derek...I love you."

"Me too, now get some sleep."

He knew it would not be a night for sleeping as he continued to contemplate their relationship. They had numerous issues to deal with and each seemed more serious than the one before, trust, rejection, doubts, fears, communication...each had deep rooted and multiple implications, and tonight, he had realized avoidance was not something solely attributed to Meredith.

Tonight, he had realized his own avoidance, if he remained blind to it, could have disastrous repercussions, and though not fully aware of all it implied, he reached out and openly asked for help. Calling Kathleen had been his battle cry for help.

She'd asked for him to forgive her several times, for what she said, but he realized it was not as simple as that. They had to find a way not only to forgive each other, but forgive themselves. They had to find the way to break down the barriers and fears that threatened to their future, their relationship, their lifetime, because the thought of being alone was just too much to bear.

He offered a prayer of thanks for that last phone call, because somehow, he felt, hope was being restored.

Derek stepped outside the trailer after a few hours sleep, the stars shining brightly high above in the sky. But then, the brightness turned momentarily dark, almost a warning sign of things to come, and as just as quickly the reflection of a million stars, even brighter than before, illuminated the sky high above Seattle, high above the land where the dreams of two lovers destined to be soul mates for a lifetime would be undeniably fulfilled.

Meredith had finally fallen asleep after their last conversation a few hours ago. He heard her snoring before he opened the door to her room and quietly walked over to the bed, where she lay on her side.

He laid down behind her, spooning and embracing her body, desperately needing to feel her close to him. She instinctively snuggled closer as he made no attempt to avoid waking her, and he laid his head against hers, his face on her shoulder taking in the much loved lavender scent in her hair, and caressed her, gently squeezing her upper arm and bringing his hand slowly down her body to finally rest against her abdomen.

"I love you Meredith," he whispered.

"Uhmm..."

"Sleep...I just needed to hold you."

"We love you too," she said, as she brought down her hand and placed it on top of his.
He continued to caress her gently, but now his attention was on where he believed she nurtured their baby.

He smiled, unaware of the small white garment she held against her heart, just as when she had fallen asleep, but as she turned, searching the comfort of his embrace, he noticed, and his heart stood still.

He carefully removed the garment from her hand, his eyes already brimming with tears, which fell freely as he reverently held and read its message.

She opened her eyes at the barely audible intake of breath, and their gazes met, and her eyes filled quickly with tears as their hands found themselves entwined as they held her gift to him between them.

"My gift..."

"Yes," she whispered softly, suddenly filled with doubts.

"When?"

"When..." she whispered, "I think I know when..."

Confused at first, as though they held two separate conversations, he continued to look at her and asked, "when did you buy this?"

"Oh," she smiled, "I thought you meant, when did 'this' happen."

"You know..." he smiled, "when it happened."

"I bought it yesterday."

"Don't change the subject now."

"I'll tell you later. Are you happy?"

"You have to ask?"

"I do..."

"You knew..."

"Yesterday..."

"Why didn't you tell me...wait, that's why you were late...to Joe's, you bought this?"

"Yes."

"But, how...we didn't take your blood work...we..."

"I couldn't wait anymore, I had to know... I bought a test..."

"You're pregnant...a baby..." he said softly, bringing his hand to her face caressing it as though he were touching a porcelain doll, and afraid it would break.

"Usually...pregnant...with a baby..." she teased.

"You're pregnant...a baby...we're having a baby..."

"Derek..." she said softly, and as they lay side by side, faces inches away, she brought her hand to the back of his neck and pulled him closer in for a kiss, and he instantly bridged the distance as their lips found each other and their kiss gentle, very gentle at first conveyed the ageless message of commitment and wonderment at the discovery that their love had created a life, a tiny miracle of joyful hope in the lives of two people that hours earlier had been engulfed in sadness and despair.

Their tears were intermingled with their kiss, "you're happy," he asked, "no regrets?"

"No regrets...do you? " she asked.

He kissed her again, and both were breathless, "any more doubts?"

"Derek...can you believe it...now...really...it's true... me... a mom..."

"I told you..."

"You did...I should have listened..."

"Where did you find this," he said holding up the onesie.

"After I did the test, I couldn't wait to tell you...but I didn't just want to say it... I wanted to find a special way to say it...and well, I didn't know how...but then I really felt like I needed...wanted to acknowledge...that there was a baby...and I went to find something...and when I saw this...it was...just like I wanted to tell you..."

"And then, I messed things up..." he said, looking away from her.

"Don't you dare...Derek...don't you dare...make me sad...that's over...this moment...right now...let's enjoy this..."

"You can forget...how I ruined this for you?"

"You didn't, but I did, if you want to talk about ruining things, it was me."

"Ok...you're right, we enjoy this moment..."

"Thank you," she said and leaned in to kiss him and they were lost in a kiss that fulfilled every hope, every promise, every dream they had ever imagined.

Minutes later, he kissed her again, softly, "when...when was it?"

"Do you remember...the day...that afternoon..." she said with reverence and amazement in her voice.