(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Forgiveness Part 1

"Shep, what are you doing here?"

"I drove Meredith home, but had to come back and take care of something."

"You're off, it couldn't wait?"

"No, it really couldn't."

"Wait, you said you dropped Grey off at home...why?"

"Let's go to my office."

"Is everything ok?"

Derek took a deep breath, before answering, just as he reached the door to his office, "not sure...she needs to go back to the doctor tomorrow."

"Why, what happened?"

Derek filled him in on the doctor's visit and finished with the conversation just had with Cristina.

"I'm sorry man."

"Yeah..."

"Shep..."

"Yeah..."

"It's ok," he paused, thinking back to over a year ago when Addison had aborted their child. "It's ok not to be strong."

"I have to be, for her."

"It's your kid too."

"She's sensitive to that."

"Good...that's important," he said, and suddenly both men were left to their own reflections.

Derek spoke first, "what's up with you? You're acting weird."

"You ever wonder...what it would have been like, if you'd had kids with Addison?"

"What? Mark, what the hell kind of question is that, especially now."

"I loved her Derek."

"Addison?"

"I'm pretty sure it wasn't Meredith...I thought I was in love with."

Derek glared at him, "you can only push it so far..."

"I'm joking Derek, of course Addie."

"Were you, really?"

"I thought I was, I really did...hell, I was even willing to try celibacy, Shep...no sex for 60 days...and then she slept with Karev."

"And you let her go...telling her you couldn't hold out..."

"Yeah..."

"Why?"

"Seemed like the right thing to do..."

"You surprised me that day...didn't think you had it in you."

"Sometimes... I surprise myself."

"Mark, you've been great...with Meredith...you're a good friend, and she really appreciates it...you've been good for her."

"Is she ok? How's she dealing with this?"

"She says she's not giving up hope, but ...it's almost like she knows...that something is wrong, and no matter what I say...I don't think I can convince her otherwise."

"What do you think?"

"I'm trying ...trying to hang on to some hope, but the doctor in me...I don't know."

"Derek..."

"Spit it out Mark, I've known you too long...what's on your mind?

"We're good, aren't we...you and me?"

"Yeah..." he said with a hint of skepticism.

"Can I share something with you...and you won't go off the deep end?"

"Mark...what...what the hell..."

"Relax...it's in the past..."

"This about you and Addison?"

"Have you forgiven me...really...for the time I spent with Addison?"

"You're going to be my bestman...you're going to...you're our baby's godfather," he said swallowing past the lump in his throat.

"Derek...I understand...I do...somewhat, what you're going through..."

"Mark...there's now way....believe me...what this feels like, knowing there's nothing I can do...that there's nothing she can do...but wait."

"I do know."

"You've never...Mark, I've known you for too long, this is something...well hard to describe... you've never had this ," he paused, looking at the serious look on his friend's face, the surprising sadness in his eyes, "wait...are you telling me someone's been pregnant with your child?"

"Addie was..." he said quietly.

"What?"

"After you left, while we were together...she found out she was pregnant."

"Addison got pregnant...with your child...and had a miscarriage?"

"She had an abortion."

"She did what? How the hell could you push her to that...Mark, how could you, your own child."

"It wasn't my choice."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"She decided I wasn't good enough material to be a father. She chose to have an abortion."

"She did this on her own...without consulting with you..."

"Oh she told me, made it very clear I wasn't good enough."

"That heartless bitch..."

"Even then, I thought I was in love with her...that we might have a chance."

"What the fuck...why? She aborted your child."

"I figured she may have been right. It still hurt like hell. I'm not comparing it ...I'm not...the way you and Grey feel about each other, it's not the same...but I needed to share that...now...so that you know I understand...I wanted that kid too Derek."

"You're too God damn forgiving."

"I didn't have much of a choice, she found out I slept with a nurse."

"You really are a manwhore."

"That may be my one regret."

"Sleeping with the nurse."

"Yeah, and not fighting like hell for Addison and our kid."

"Why did you? Sleep with another woman."

"The truth...hell if I know....especially since I did love her...even the shrink couldn't figure it out, said I was self destructive and self loathing to an almost pathological degree."

"You went to a shrink..."

"Four hundred bucks an hour's worth...and then I came out here."

"What did you hope to accomplish?"

"Get her back, and you...get my friend back."

"You really were in love with her?"

"Might have been... as much as I can love someone," he said, and both men spent several minutes in silence.

"Mark...I think she was wrong. I think you would have been a good dad."

"I'm going to settle for being the best godfather I can be..."

"Yeah...one day..."

"Shep, cut the shit. I'm having a godchild, so keep all the negative thoughts out of it."

"Is that part of the four hundred an hour therapy?"

"Could be...and to shock the hell out of you, even more...I went out and bought this baby thing... Yankees onesie she called it...and a calendar, with her due date circled on it. Next thing I knew, she'd had an abortion."

"What a bitch."

"I did cheat on her...granted, but, it didn't mean anything, hell everybody knows it..."

"Mark, that really isn't an excuse...man, you better grow up...because from what you're telling me...you want a family just as much as I do..."

"Bite your tongue...I'm not all domesticated and whipped as you are..."

"You're jealous. You want what I have with Meredith..."

"Not sure...exactly what you have with her..."

"Oh yeah...you do..."

"Maybe...one day..."

"Now...for the real question, you ass...why the fuck didn't you tell me, when you came here, instead of watching me waste months of my life trying to make it work with a woman that ..."

"She was your wife. You felt it was the honorable thing to do. I had already ruined our relationship, and it wasn't my story to tell."

"I wish you had...a lot of things could have been different."

"Somehow...it didn't seem right...she wanted to make it work...at least she said she wanted to try..."

"Why tell me now?"

"I hope it all works out...with Meredith and the baby...my godchild...but...it if doesn't, I'm here...if you need me, talk, drinks...whatever...and I felt it was right to share this now...no more secrets..."

"I'm glad you did...does anyone else know?"

"Not sure...but it doesn't matter...she and I knew. On her due date, I was here and she told me again I would have been shit for a dad...that she wanted a baby with you...not me."

"Well...looking back...don't think that was meant to happen..."

"You and Grey...you're meant to have this Derek...you will...even if not now...you will."

"I hope so..."

"I know so...cause I can see myself at a Yankee's game...with your kids tagging along."

"What if they're girls?"

"When they're older...we'll keep the boys away...till they're thirty!"

"You're going to be a hell of godfather...and one day...Mark...a hell of a dad..."

"You think..."

"Yeah...and Meredith's talking about it..."

"Grey's talking about me being a dad?"

"No, matchmaking first."

"Oh no...absolutely not..."

"That's what I said."

"Good."

"Mark," he said and got up, and extended his hand, but thought better of it, and gave his friend a brief heartfelt hug, as they each patted the other on the back. "You're a good friend. I'm glad to have you back."

"Forgiven?"

"Completely," he said, as both men walked out of the office, filled with the knowledge that their friendship had withstood the worst of trials and survived.

"What are you doing with Kathleen tonight? You want me to take her out so you can spend time with Grey?"

"No...we're going out. Kat actually suggested something very informal...to hang out at Joe's...we'll do that...why don't you stop by...grab a bite to eat with us, it will be good to keep Meredith distracted..."

"Maybe...I have missed Kathleen...haven't you?"

"Yes, didn't realize how much."

"You should fly home Shep...take Meredith with you..."

"We'll see...anyway...join us tonight."

"Let me see..."

"Bring her along..."

"What are you talking about?"

"You've been spending all your evenings with Tracy...bring her along..."

"Too formal...too serious."

"Screw it...you enjoy her company...you're going to spend the evening with her, bring her along."

"Yeah...maybe...I'll see you later," he said, as they each walked in separate directions.

"Derek," he heard and turned.

"Lexie, hi."

"Is everything ok? I thought you were taking Meredith home...is she here...did she have to come back...is it..."

"She's fine..." he said, putting his hand on her arm, reassuring her. "She's home resting, I needed to take care of something."

"I'm going to stop by...after work...I want to stop by and see her...well, I'm spending all the time there anyway...so she knows I'm going to...but today...right after work I want to make sure she's ok."

"She'd like that...you can join us at Joe's afterwards...light informal meal...Kathleen and us...probably Mark will join us...Yang..." he said and waited for her reaction.

"Derek...Dr. Yang...I mean...it was pretty bad today and afterwards, she was upset...but I don't know if she'll be there, or if Meredith..."

"I just spoke to her, and asked her to join us."

"You did...does Meredith know...I mean... you were really angry..."

"She doesn't know, but I came to talk to her. I had to, for Meredith's sake, I don't want any added stress for her and the baby..."

"That's lovely Derek...that you'd speak to Cristina...she's been upset since that happened."

"Well, I just spoke to her...we have an understanding...a truce of sorts."

"That's good... really good..."

"She's making your life miserable?"

"Sometimes..."

"I told her Meredith was pregnant, and that you know."

"Oh...that must not have gone over well."

"She took it well...but I wouldn't tell her about being the godmother...let's break it to her much later..."

"That's a good idea," she laughed briefly, "is Mer ok Derek, really?"

"We don't know...tomorrow, we'll have a better idea."

"I'm praying for her...and the baby..."

"Thank you," he said and kissed her check, "so am I..."

"Ok...I have to go, here comes Cristina, I'll see you at home."

"Shepherd, why are you keeping my intern from working?"

"Dr. Yang... I was just, it was a minute...I'm going back..."

"Relax...you're entitled to ask about her...he says she's fine."

"Yeah...he did...bye Derek."

"Good bye Lexie, Yang," he said and walked away with smile on his face, content with the knowledge that having her person around would make Meredith feel better.

"So...we are going to be aunts," Cristina said, catching her by surprise.

"Yes...yes we are," Lexie replied.

"You are in charge of all the baby stuff..."

"All the baby stuff..." Lexie asked her.

"I'll be the hard ass... hard core cool surgeon Aunt Cristina..."

"Hey... I plan on being a hard core cool surgeon..."

"Lexie...not going to happen...you're not hard core...too sweet or whatever...I'm the hard core aunt...you'll be the baby stuff aunt..."

"Baby stuff..." she smiled, "what exactly does that mean..."

"You can't be that clueless, you already have a niece...you know...the baby showers and cooing to it...and changing diapers and taking it out, babysitting... and all that stuff...I'll wait till it's older..."

"I think that will work...Meredith will like that...."

"I hope she will," she said, and they exchanged a knowing look.

"She will, but maybe...don't keep calling the baby 'it'."

"Yeah."

"Cristina...Derek's concerned...about...."

"So am I. We just need to be there for her, and hope the baby is fine."

"Yes..."

"Lexie, about today, I'll make it up to her."

"He really loves her Cristina."

"Maybe he does," she said, and they changed the subject and began walking to a patient's room.

Derek met up with Kathleen for a late lunch, and they discussed the prior day's conversation.

"Derek, I know you don't want to hear this, but aside from everything that is going on, from everything you've said, there is a real possibility Meredith could lose the baby."

"I know that. She knows that."

"She's going to run...she is...it's what she's used to, and you need to be aware of that, and understand, that it has nothing to do with you...it will be her only coping mechanism, to rely on old patterns of behavior."

"I know. We have already talked about it, she brought it up in fact."

"She did?"

"She's been full of surprises lately...she's the one that brought it up..."

"How do you feel about that?"

"That she's talking?"

"That she may want to run...avoid dealing with it...avoid you..."

"We promised each other," he said and took a deep breath, "we won't.

"It's easier said than done."

"We are not going to allow anything to get between us anymore."

"Just so you know...I'm praying it doesn't happen, but if it does, you need to be very sensitive to what she's going through. Derek, her hormones will take a while to get back to normal, even...even afterwards..."

"Why are we talking about this, damn it," he said angrily, "we are trying to hang on to some hope that all is going to be fine."

"That's good, and you should. But, the two of you...there's been a lot Derek...and I'm concerned, something like this...even the strongest of relationships...this..."

"You're pissing me off Kathleen...you've seen her...you've talked to her...you know how much we love each other, how committed we are to make our relationship work, why are you giving me this crap now?"

"Because, you called me to come out here, because there were some very serious issues you needed to address, and this...either way, whether you have a baby...or she loses the baby, it's huge...and you need to know how to act in either situation."

"We will deal with it. We have talked about it, and we are not going to fall apart because of it, and if all you can be is negative...then..."

"Take your attitude elsewhere, it won't fly with me. What I've said, you needed to hear, and if you and Meredith have already realized it can happen, then I can certainly rest a little easier, that you too seemed to have matured a bit since I got here."

"That's big of you."

"Don't be an ass Derek, I know it's a challenge sometimes, but cut the crap," she challenged.

"You have a way of making me feel like I'm ten years old and snotty brat."

"That's about right," she smiled.

"Mark and I were talking about you earlier ...that we'd missed you..."

"And now you're changing your mind..." she questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"On the contrary...you make me realize how much I've needed you...how good it is to have my sister around."

"Imagine that," she said, and reached out to touch his hand and squeezed it, "not nearly as much as I've missed you...we all have Derek."

"Kathleen...I really do hope you're going to come out...bring Mom."

"I plan on it...as soon as I can...as soon as it's a good time to come out."

They continued to talk about the conversation from the day before and Derek told her they were listening to her advice, and that they were not going to let the past or the present situation get in the way of their future together, and Kathleen felt comfortable that they both intended to do just that.

Meredith was awakened by the baby's ever present reminder and need to make a stop in the bathroom, which meant she had not heard Derek walk in the house, when she got back in bed.

She felt rested, though her emotions were everywhere, and she was laying on her side when the frame with the photograph of her with her parents caught her eye, and she reached for it.

"Mom," she said, as she lay back against the pillows and made herself comfortable laying on her back, "it's me, Meredith."

Derek had just reached her door, which he'd left ajar, when he heard her speak softly, and stood back, giving her privacy, but not moving and uncaring he was eavesdropping.

"A lot of things have happened...big things Mom...and you know...I'm not sure why you wanted to keep Thatcher away, but I've tried to understand...and it doesn't matter now...but I've got two sisters...well, I've only met Lexie, and she's been great...she really has...she would probably annoy you, she's a bit like me...a rambler of sorts, and you use to hate that...but I like her...she's been really good to me...for me...and she thinks, that you can hear me...well, I'm not sure about that, but she told me she was certain, the other night, that Susan...you know Susan Mom, Thatcher's wife...she was nice to me...really nice, than she died..." she paused, and laughed, "you see Mom, seems everyone leaves...but...now...well, maybe things are changing...I have a sister...and lots of friends, they are my family...and now Mark and Kathleen they say they are my family, and they've been great...really great...and I'm starting ...I think, I'm starting to learn to trust people...but most of all, I have Derek...yes, I know you didn't like him...but he loves me...he really does, and if he heard me, he'd think I'm crazy, but Lexie thinks you can hear, and that Susan was around...and I'm hoping that you are...because...Mom...if you're up there somewhere, though I know you did not believe in anything...when I saw you...Mom...I'm glad I saw you...before you left ...that gave me hope...and what I needed to go back...but now, I kind of need to believe in something ...because...I need you to be there for me...just like I know Susan might want to be..." she stopped and he heard her sniffles, knowing that she was crying.

"Mom," she said, and reached for the image of the sonogram she had placed on the nightstand, and held it close to the photo, "Mom...you're going...you're going to be a grandmother..." she cried, "and you know, what...I know you may not have approved...but I'm hoping you do now...I'm hoping you really do know what goes on with us here...because you would know that I'm happy...happy about this baby...and if you can see, well you don't have to see...I think you may just sense things...and you already know what a baby looks like when they're about seven weeks...that's how old my baby is...and I hope you would be happy for me...I like to think that maybe...when you first found out you were going to have me...that maybe you were a happy...not like afterwards...when I know you wish ... I knew you wished you hadn't had kids..." she said, and he continued to hear the cries in her voice, "but Mom, this is the most amazing feeling...to know there's this tiny baby...that Derek and I created...that our baby was conceived with so much love and passion...but now...Mom...I think...I..." her voice broke, and his heart was breaking listening to her, but knew it was a moment of healing for her.

"I think there's something wrong, and I'm trying to be optimistic for Derek...Mom...you were really wrong about him, and you made him doubt himself, and I really was angry for you about that...and he knew I'd had a terrible childhood, and he doesn't even know ...so many other things...but, you know what...I want you know I forgave you...for al those things...all those times...you'd have rather been alone...I did...Mommy...I forgave you for not wanting to be with me...and now I need for you to forgive me too...forgive me for not having been extraordinary as you wanted me too...for having gotten in the way of your happiness...but, even though I know all those things...I still miss you Mom...and I wish you were here...and it could be the way it was...when you still remembered, even if we fought ...Mom...I would want you here... now...because I think you may have come around... when you saw I was happy, and I had found the love of my life...and he is Mom... and we're having a baby...and he loves me... and you'd get to meet our baby...your grandchild...Mom...I think you would have come around..." she said, and a broken sob escaped her, "Mom...if you're up there...if you're up there near God...ask for our baby to be ok," she said, as tears rolled down her cheeks, and at that instant, Derek rushed to her side, and held her, letting her to cry.