(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Unworthy

He was stunned and speechless. Of all the things she could have told him, this was the last thing he would have ever expected. It was unthinkable.

The wind had literally been knocked out of him, and he was finding it difficult to breathe. He couldn't find the courage to say anything. All he could do was panic. Panic and cringe at the impact of her words.

Memories rushed back through his mind, and he found it impossible to accept that so many of his actions had been based on misconceptions. Impossible to grasp the full meaning of the damage he'd caused and yet she had been willing to give him another chance.

After he went back to Addison and especially as they neared the end, much of his relationship with Meredith had been based on the fact that she'd had a relationship with Finn, and now she was telling him she had never been sexually intimate with him.

"Derek, please say something, you're scaring me... please, I'm trying here...the honesty...being open...don't shut me out..."

He looked at her, but was unable to meet her gaze, because all he could see were flashes of her face and the heartache he'd caused as a result of his jealousy and misconceptions.

He had called her a whore, and he vividly recalled her reaction, as though he had struck her, but she had stood her ground, throwing back the words at him, refusing to allow him to judge her, but it hadn't been enough for him to see the look of pain in her face, and adding salt to the injury he had dismissively told her it was over between them.

"I'm so sorry..." he muttered, unable to find anything else to say.

She reached out to touch him and gently placed her hand on his shoulder, "I didn't tell you this for you to apologize... I just thought... well... there have been so many things we just leave hanging in the air, and don't talk...and...this ... this was something that I wanted you to know..."

"Why...why didn't you tell me when I acted like such an ass?"

"You had chosen to stay with Addison. It didn't seem to matter, not then...you'd already made your own assumptions...and nothing could really change...you were with her...it wasn't my place to say anything then."

"Meredith...I'm so sorry...the things I said...the things I did...how... how can you ever...why would you even want to..." he shifted his body and laid on his back, staring straight ahead, raising his arm and resting his closed fist on his forehead.

"Derek," she said, moving closer and slightly turning his face to look at her. "It matters now...it matters to me now...if we're going to make things work... and ...we're starting to communicate... and well...you've told me I don't trust you, and maybe...maybe I've acted that way, because I don't know any other way... and lots of things have happened between us... but tonight...it just felt like I needed you to know...that maybe you could see that I' trying here... and let you understand my feelings...that...that I am trusting you with my feelings...because even then...I already knew no one else could matter like you did...and ...I couldn't be involved with him."

He abruptly got up from the bed, and paced around the room while running his hands through his hair before coming to a stop in front of her. She raised herself to a sitting position and met his stare.

"Why..." he paused and swallowed past the ever growing lump in his throat, "how... how...could you possibly have me back in your life after the way I treated you?"

She saw his eyes cloud with doubts and fears and quickly rose to stand in front of him.

"Derek, it's not a big deal," she said as she placed her hands on his arms and gently caressed them, "it's in the past. Just one of those things we leave unsaid...we don't discuss important things...until things get really bad, and we need to change that, if we're going to really try... and I just wanted us to clear that up between us... I wanted you to know that even then... even then...though I may not always tell you, or show you...I was ... I was... committed to us...even if I don't always say the right things or react the right way..."

"Oh my God," he gasped, pulling away from her touch.

"What... Derek, what...what's wrong..."

"I have ... I have to go..." he said and started to walk away.

"No... no... no..." she reached out, pulling on him to keep him from moving to the door, and again forcing him to face her. "Don't you dare walk out... don't because if you do... I swear ... I swear I won't let you back in..."

"I need to ... I need to breathe..."

"Just talk to me... talk to me please," she urged, "just talk to me..."

"I called you...I ...Oh, God, I called you a whore ... I can't...can't stay..."

She faced him squarely, and though he saw the tears in her eyes, she didn't waver.
"If you walk out now...Derek...if you walk out on me now...don't come back....if you leave me...it you leave me tonight, I'm never going to forgive you... not now..."

"Think..." he stopped to take a deep breath... "I need to think...I'm not... I'm not leaving...I'll be back...just need to think ," he said and rushed out of the room as though he was being chased by a thousand demons.

The house was deathly quiet. The silent ticking of the clock reflected the red glare of the numbers on the alarm clock. The minutes passed and it was driving her insane. But, she understood, she of all people understood the need for his time alone, and she had let him walk out her room. She'd gone to sit on the chair and contemplated what had caused him to react so strongly. It had been something that had nagged at her for a long time, that they had never discussed it... that she never became intimate with Finn, and suddenly it seemed relevant to them being able to move forward. She had thought he'd be happy to know, since he'd been so insanely jealous.

Unable to wait any longer, she looked outside and confirmed his car was still there, but he'd been gone over thirty minutes and she didn't think this was the time for him to be alone. They should be discussing this together and she decided to seek him out and deal with the situation.

She went downstairs and didn't find him, and then saw a slight movement through the glass door. He was standing on the patio, elbows placed on the brick ledge and his head buried in his hands, and she could see his shoulders shaking...he was crying...completely broken as he stood alone in the cold, wearing only his pajama pants and short sleeved t-shirt, and only the darkness of the night to accompany him in his despair.

She rushed out of the room and picked up the lavender throw and raced to the back door, opening it slowly, quietly as not to startle him. She approached him, placing it around him, and felt his body become completely rigid.

"Please, come inside, it's freezing out here..." she whispered as she wrapped her arms around him, laying her face on his back, and wrapping her arms even tighter around him.

"Come inside."

"It's...it's...I can't..."

"You want me to freeze to death out here too," she teased.

"Please, just go inside... I'll be in later."

She unwrapped her arms from around him, and forced her way to stand in front of him. This time, wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her face on his chest, she murmured, "you're going to have to wrap us both up in this to keep us warm, because I'm not leaving you out here."

He remained unbending, and she looked up at him..."I'm not going to change my mind. I'll stay out here as long as you do... but it would be a lot warmer if we go inside."

He finally gave in, knowing full well he had not seen her this determined in some time. It was almost as though bossy Meredith was back, and he allowed her to reach for his hand and lead him back to the warmth of the house. Once inside, she pulled him down to sit beside her on the couch, then wrapped him in the throw to keep him warm and keep him from shivering.

"I'm going to get you something warm to drink. Ok."

"No..."

"Relax, I'm not going to cook," she said in an unsuccessful attempt to lighten his mood,
"maybe just a cup of tea."

"No, I don't want anything."

She was not going to make him change his mind, so she sat down next to him. "I shouldn't have said anything. It doesn't even matter anymore. I didn't think it would upset you...thought I thought you'd be pleased."

"Pleased," he said raising his voice, at the same time he got up, discarding the throw she'd wrapped around him. "How...how the hell can I be pleased when that damn assumption led me to say awful things to you...things that were unfounded and unforgivable...Why the hell are you still even willing to give me another chance?"

She too got up, and went to stand in front of him. "Because as scary as it is, as many issues as I still have...I don't want to imagine my life without you."

"I called you ....I called you...a ...whore... Meredith, I called you a whore."

"Yes, you did, and I'm not going to lie to you...you broke my heart...and then when you said..."

He interrupted her, "I stood in the staircase and accused you of being a whore...and stood there passing judgment and threw George at your face...you're right...you had trusted me...trusted and confided in me..." he said with tears in his eyes, "and instead, I threw that back in your face...and..." he paused to compose himself.

"Don't do this, we don't have to go back... really... I'm sorry I brought it up...look at where we are now...we were laying in bed... talking...talking Derek...for the first time really trying to talk, and I should have just kept quiet."

"No, you're right...we can't continue to just keep quiet...we'll never get through this...if we're not honest. But, the things I've said to you...how I treated you...they're unforgivable."

"Yet...I'm willing to forgive you...so why can't you forgive yourself?"

"I stood there, full of anger and jealousy, and called you a whore...and had I but listened to you...all day you'd been trying to talk to me...had I listened ... we could have avoided so much....so much hurt..."

"But you didn't."

"I'm sorry...Meredith... I'm sorry... I know those words don't even begin to justify what I said... but... I am so deeply sorry...for hurting you yet again, and all of it unfounded.... how can you want to forgive me... I acted like a total ass...I wouldn't listen... I just ..."

"Derek...do you remember...that day... you told me to take responsibility for my actions...for once in your life...you said, to take responsibility for my actions..."

"Oh, God...yes...yes... I remember...how ironic...I didn't even ...haven't even... taken responsibility for my own..."

"That's not why I said that...I just want you to know...now, I'm trying to do that...and maybe... if we do that...if we do that together...we can make it...I want us to make it...Derek...I really really do..." she grabbed his hand, and led him to the couch.

They both sat down, his physical and emotional distance separating them, but she
was not willing to let that stop her, not when she'd come this far, not when even she failed to recognize some of her actions lately. All she knew is they were worth fighting fore... the lifetime he wanted...the dreams...her dreams... ones she'd just recently begun to believe in...hope for...hope that they could indeed come true...all of this was worth fighting for and there was too much at risk for her to even consider giving up now.

She snuggled closer to him, but he did not make any move to touch or hold her.

"Derek, why don't you want to touch me?" she asked softly.

"I don't feel worthy of touching you."