(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Timing...Feelings...

Derek sensed he was alone before he reached out to the empty side of the bed, and slowly came awake wondering where she had gone, "Meredith," he called out softly, and when he did not get a response, got up and lightly pushed the bathroom door to find it empty, and then noticed the bedroom door ajar.

She was sitting typing at the computer downstairs and did not hear him, as he watched her for a few minute before he walked up behind and kissed the top of her head.

"Oh, God," she said turning around to face him, "Derek, don't do that..."

"What? Kiss you?"

"Walk up behind me at five in the morning without any warning. You could have been a burglar."

"A burglar ...who comes up behind you and kisses you?"

"Maybe...or you know, a secret admirer," she teased, as she turned back to face the computer screen.

"Really?"

"I have those...you know."

"Ok," he said nonchalantly, and then lightly bit her earlobe, "you want to play games?"

"Who's playing...I have one you know...Viper said he'd come back."

"Why are you up," he ignored her comment.

"Uhmmm..." she said.

"I don't get jealous, you know...not of a crazy biker with an accent...who would be considered a stalker if he broke in and kissed you."

"The accent was sexy..." she smiled.

"Fine," he said a bit annoyed with himself for rising to her bait, yet pleased with her playfulness after so many days of sadness, "you win."

"What do you mean?"

"I get jealous...and you already know that because I've admitted it I was...especially of that ass kissing you."

"Derek..."

"What," he pouted, as she reached for his hand resting on her shoulder and placed hers over it.

"I get jealous too," she said and pulled on his hand and brought it to her lips, "but..."

"We don't do well with buts Meredith..." he joked.

"I won't argue with that," she said, "and if you'd listened, what I was going to say is that I'm trying...really trying to trust you...trust that what we have together is all we need, and there's no reason for either of us to feel jealous."

"You're right," he said, and nibbled at her neck, "we don't, but I have to admit I was not happy when I saw him kiss you."

"I remember," she smiled.

"You still haven't answered my question," he said running his hand over her hair.

"I woke up a little bit ago, and you were sleeping so soundly I came downstairs to catch up on emails."

"That doesn't answer my question," he said as he wrapped his arms around her and rested his head on her shoulder and read what she was writing.

"Stop reading my emails."

"I am not. Answer my question."

"We went to bed early, and I don't usually get more than six hours sleep, so I was up, and didn't want to wake you."

"You should have, I miss having you in bed, holding you."

"You haven't been getting a lot of rest Derek," she said and got up, and tugged on his hand to follow her over to the couch, "you're trying to be so strong for me, and I know you have not been getting enough sleep, and when I saw you looking so peaceful, I wanted to let you sleep a while longer."

"I had a good night's sleep, better than I have for a very long time."

"I did too," she said and he noticed the slight distancing in her voice.

"Meredith...tell me what you're thinking, what you're feeling."

"Last night Derek, I had the most peaceful sleep in a long while, truly peaceful...it felt as though yesterday we were given a new sense of hope ...and...faith Derek, that we're going to be ok, that Kelly was meant to relay that ...and as I fell asleep Derek..."

"The whisper..." he finished, "the whisper of angels, our own little one...whispered...I love you lots..." he said without any doubts.

"Yes...and my heart was at peace, and you heard it...you heard it too."

"I heard it...and I too was able to sleep peacefully with you in my arms."

"We're going to be fine..." she said, "Derek and Meredith fine."

"Yes, we are," he said as he kissed her lips softly and held her in his arms, "no more doubts about us being together...and our commitment to working through everything, no more avoiding...just together to make those dreams come true, for that lifetime we've promised each other," he repeated her words, in some ways wanting to convince himself.

"For always," she said and hugged him closer to her.

"So... he said, and she heard the emotion in his voice, "you think I'd need a hug too."

"I thought you weren't reading," she said softly, while reaching for his hand and letting him know she did not mind.

"I love you Meredith."

"You can't always use that line you know..."

"I'm not avoiding it, I just...I'm happy you want to be in touch with her, it means a lot to me...that ...if the two of you can be close...and...to see...that you're opening up to her, trusting her, after..." he paused and swallowed past the lump in his throat.

"Derek," she said, pulling away to from his embrace and turning to look at him, she saw the glimmer of tears in his eyes and brought her hand to his face, caressing it gently, "what's wrong?"

"I've screwed up so badly...hurt you so much...and to read what you just wrote her...it's...after I thought we may be over...when I called Kathleen..."

"Hey...we're not going back, remember, you and me...we're getting our lifetime," she assured him, "don't doubt it...my dream Derek, it's what's ahead of us...and having a family...our family, I want it all...and I'm trying...little steps...but I'm trying to build that trust...I really am...and that includes your Mom and she's making it very easy, she and Kathleen...for me to trust."

"You're more than trying, you're making it happen, and I'm so proud of you, all you've done, all your efforts and I will never take it for granted again Meredith, that you gave me another chance, that you ...that you forgave me for all the times I've hurt you...all the times I failed to be there."

"I've forgiven you...as I hope you've forgive me...because when you called Kathleen, Derek, that was the most shameful thing I've ever done or said...and you forgiving me for that...it does mean a lot to me, and I think we're on our way Derek...those hundred steps that made us stumble along the way, but now...we're walking on solid ground, and even if we fall down together, as we have, I believe nothing will get in the way of us trusting and helping each other get through anything that comes our way."

"You really believe that?"

"No doubts at all, but I can't do it alone, I'll need your help...especially now...as I start going to therapy."

"You won't have too, I'm here Meredith, I won't ever let you down again."

"I know you won't...but Derek..."

"But..." he said, never taking his eyes off hers, "that's not a good thing..."

"But... along the way Derek...you know there will be times when we may have doubts surface, and that's when we have to remember the promise we made each other...not to pull away..."

"Not to let the other pull away...even if we yell...even if we fight...even if we keep telling the other that is what we want...those times...those are the times we have to remember not to let the other pull away," he said as he held her hand gently caressing it.

"We have a little while, about another hour before we have to be up, do you want to go back to bed?"

"Let's just stay here," he said, "there's fond memories in this room," he continued as he stretched out on the couch and gently eased her back into his arms.

"Very fond memories," she smiled, snuggling in his embrace as he began to trail gentle kisses along her neck, her throat and then turning her gently found her lips.

"Uhmmm," he moaned as he stopped himself from kissing her again, "I don't want to stop... but...I'm not looking forward to starting my day with another cold shower."

"I'm sorry...just a couple more days...Derek, Dr. Cameron said a couple days after...after the spotting stopped, and it's a lot less...it was this morning."

"Meredith, you just make sure...that you're ok, we can wait."

"Derek..."

"Uh huh..."

"I do want you, and I can't wait till we can make up for all these weeks...weeks of not being able to love each other...pleasure each other...but, Derek, I told you, we don't have to wait...let's go upstairs..."

"I told you...when we make love again, it's for both of us, not just for me."

"Oh, Derek...I promise...all your favorite things...a couple of days...and no more waiting."

"Meredith...the wait...will be worth it...and I promise it will be our favorite things," he said kissing her softly.

"I love you Derek," she said kissing him back and he felt her smile upon his lips.

"You're smiling..."

"I'm thinking..."

"Uhmmm...want to share those thoughts?"

"Our favorite things Derek..."

"That's worth many smiles," he said as he captured her lips again, eliciting soft moans and satisfied smiles, "and new ones...Meredith...newly discovered emotions and favorite things."

"Oh Derek..." she said suddenly overcome with emotions.

"Hey..."

"Hold me...Derek, just hold me."

"I can't have you crying...not while we're talking about..." he continued whispering in her ear.

"Oh, Derek...I love you so much...I'm...just...bear with me, it's hormones...and ...it just made me..."

"Made you what...something just changed...tell me about it."

"It's ok...just my hormones...making me react," she said as she attempted to put the thoughts that came to mind behind her, and forget memories that only caused her pain.

"No, there's more to this than hormones, and Kathleen's right, and I know she told you the same thing, we need to talk, we can't put things off for them to fester."

"Let's drop it, please, just this time," she said avoiding his gaze.

"Look at me Meredith," he insisted and their eyes met, "how bad is it?"

She was quiet, not wanting to respond.

"Meredith," he insisted.

She lowered her gaze, "a ten."

"Ten..." he said his voice unsure, "and it's because of me..."

"I'm sorry."

"What...what makes you feel that much pain? What did I do...to make you feel like that?"

"You didn't do anything...you've been wonderful, I ...I just...I was remembering..."

"What, Meredith...please...we'll never get past it, if we don't talk."

"Our favorite things...your favorite things...it made me remember...that night."

She had brought it up once before and again he felt as though he'd been slapped, but this time he felt he deserved it, and began to pull away.

"Please, don't...Derek...don't pull away from me...you asked me, and I was honest, because that night you hurt me, not so much what you said...but that you did not want me to stay, it devastated me to know you did not want me...but if you pull away from me now...if you do that now, you will know how much you'll be hurting me again."

"How can you want me now, if that's what you're remembering, how can you want me to be near you?"

"Because I love you...and I need you...and I need you to hold me and tell me you don't feel that way anymore...that if you had to do it again, you'd at least have considered asking me to stay, and because I need for you to forgive me for the horrible things I said to you...about the day I drowned."

"I told you, I understood."

"You understood, and I did too...but we need to do more than that, we have to forgive each other...and I don't think...if you pull away, it means you haven't."

"If I pull away, it's got nothing to do with forgiveness, it has to do with the shame I feel over that night."

"Then, we're exactly in the same place...we both did terrible things, said things we are both ashamed of...things we each feel we want and need to be forgiven for...things that all have to do with me and the day I drowned," she was crying now, "and I need you to forgive me for all the pain I've caused you, all the pain I caused us both."

"That night, if I could do it again...I'd never have uttered those words, if I could do it again, I would never have waited that long to discuss what happened with you, but I can't go back, so all I can say is that I failed you that night, again, and I am deeply sorry, and ashamed that instead of dealing with the situation I pushed away, when all I felt was fear...a deep agonizing fear of losing you, and I could not bear the thought of every losing you again."

"Derek, that day...when I drowned, I told you before...it was very different for me...and we need to talk about it...there is so much we need to talk about, but I can't do it now, we don't have time...not in an hour, but I promise you we will...we have to, so we can both understand what happened, and get through that ...but Derek, you never have to worry about that again...I swear you don't, and going to therapy Derek, I will deal with it...I will...and everything else, because, what I want for us, what you deserve...what we both deserve if for me to face the past...and share that with you...and you will understand, I promise you will...that I would never willingly want to leave you."

It was the most they had ever discussed about those two fateful nights, and both had tears in their eyes, and he cupped her face in his hands, and kissed her tears away, "I love you, and I promise you that we'll do this together, that we will face all of this together."

"I love you Derek," she said kissing him back.

"Now, can I ask you something and you won't say I'm an ass," he said, purposely trying to lighten the mood of the conversation they'd unexpectedly broached.

"What?" she sniffled.

"Does that mean...we can never talk about our favorite things again...without it bringing back bad memories?"

"You ass," she said, and he held her close and once again whispered tender loving words bringing a smile to her face, and then she murmured her own earning a heartfelt laugh.

"Tease," he told her, as he snuggled closer.

"I'm not...that would be if I was not willing to..."

"Stop now..."

"Derek..."

"Uhmmm..."

"I was thinking..."

"Am I going to like this..."

"I think so, I mean, it's about going home...you going home."

"What?"

"Maybe...you should go home, it's been a while, and your Mom and your sisters, you should visit them."

"What brought this on?"

"I'm realizing Derek, after spending time with Kathleen...and talking to your Mom and emailing her...talking with Jenna, they really miss you, and I know you miss them."

"When I go home...next time I go home, I want you with me."

"I know I said I'd go...but, I think you should go now...and we can talk about us going together later."

"Meredith, we were going together...but now, we can wait...I understand you may not want to go to, that it would be hard to go for the baptism, when..."

"When," she said, "we thought our baby could have been there too..."

"Yes," he said, pulling her closer to him.

"Derek...they don't know...and you're going to be Jenna's baby's godfather, you will still have to go, but I'm thinking you should go now...like your Mom told you, maybe a weekend."

"Will you come with me?"

"Now...oh...that's soon, Derek...before it was months and months away, but now...I don't know..."

"How about we wait to make a decision, in a couple of months we can talk about it again, and who knows maybe Mom will have come out here already, and then I can wait a while longer to go home."

"Derek, I'm going to try...I'm going to really try to work through things with Dr. Wyatt, so I can be ready...ready to go home with you."

"We'll work through it together...and when you're ready, that's when we'll go," he said as they lay quietly in each other's arms, and eventually both fell asleep to be woken over an hour later by the commotion on the stairs and in the kitchen.

"Alex, open up this door, it's almost six thirty and I need to brush my teeth."

"So much for Bethany Whisper, can you keep it down, you're going to wake up the entire house, and not everyone needs to be up this early."

"Alex, just get your ass in the kitchen and make some coffee."

"Yeah...yeah..." he said and came down the stairs a few minutes later and met up with Lexie as she was walking in to the kitchen.

"Were you trying to wake up the dead?"

"Not me, that was Ms. Whisper," he joked.

"Can all of you keep it down, we don't have to be up for another half hour," they heard Derek say just as Izzie made her way downstairs and followed the voice to the couch.

"What are you doing here?"

Meredith opened one eye, "this is my house...we can sleep wherever we want, except for you and Alex arguing at the top of your lungs."

"Your door was wide open, I thought you'd already left."

"George and Lexie are still here."

'They don't count, they had to be in by seven too."

"Izzie coffee's ready, we gotta go," Alex yelled out to her.

"Mer what are you doing here?"

"Lex, I live here..."

"Yeah, but you and Derek don't usually sleep on the couch."

"We were talking and fell asleep...now go away, we have another half hour to sleep."

"I think," she heard him say, "we need to set up some rules around here."

"Rules..." four voices echoed.

"Yes...everyone needs to keep their mouth shut in the morning and be responsible for getting to work on time," he said.

"Seriously?" Izzie said.

"Dude, ain't going to happen."

"Seriously, Derek...we can't do that," Meredith giggled, "we're all each other's timekeepers."

"Well, it's time it stopped, you're not in kindergarten."

"Yeah, but still," she said sitting up and kissing him, "old habits...hard to break, especially when we all had Bailey and worked the same hours, we got used to it."

"But now, you all have different shifts," he said, and I don't want to be woken up like that every morning."

"Dr...Derek does that mean you're moving in?"

"Izzie..." Meredith scolded.

"What, I'm curious...he's here a lot...and he's probably right."

"Unless Meredith objects, it's fair to say I'll be here a lot of mornings, and I don't have to be up as early as you do."

"But you're going to be up anyway," Meredith whispered, "if you're sleeping in my bed, or would you prefer I don't wake you in the mornings."

"Ok...Mer, there's a room upstairs...we'll be quiet...but we don't have to witness your make up sex," Izzie joked.

"Stevens, it's a deal. Your silence..." Derek started.

"Wait...if we're making rules," George walked in and joined in the conversation, "talking about silence...it applies to you too."

"George!!!" Meredith exclaimed, though she was going along with the banter.

"What, it's only fair."

"George, we're not even going to be living here."

"There's a few weeks before you move Lexie, believe me, you want them to agree," Izzie laughed.

"Silence is golden, I take it is not a philosophy Meredith & Derek believe in."

"Dude...not even close," Alex snorted.

"Ok...children go on to work...we'll see you there" Derek said and joking added, "but, you're right about the silence on our end, we'll buy you earplugs so Meredith's snoring doesn't continue to bother you," and the room echoed with laughter as he wrapped his arms around her and the others left.

"So much for sleeping another half hour," she said.

"It's like having teenage kids," he joked, as he got up and extended his hand to her and they went to her room to get ready for work.

"Aren't you going to get a bit more sleep," she asked.

"No, I'll fix us both some breakfast and go in early, I have plenty to catch up on."

"Oh, so you want to ride in together?"

"Yeah, we can do that, I'll see you downstairs," he said as he kissed her before she went in to shower.

"Derek," she said as they sat across from each other at the kitchen table, "when we fell asleep on the couch, I woke up with this feeling..."

"Please tell me it's a good feeling, Meredith we don't do well with buts and feelings."

"This was...surprising...but nice," she smiled.

"Are you going to tell me," he teased, as he got up and

"It feels as though I'm going to meet your Mom...very soon...but it's odd, because it seems like it's not here...don't you find that odd."

"Uhmmm."

"Derek...is there something you're keeping from me?" she asked, immediately suspicious.

"No."

"You are too..."

"I can honestly tell you I have no plans for us going to see my mom anytime soon, if she shows up...that's another story."

"It's not here..." she said, and got up and started picking up the dishes, "which reminds me I did not send her message, I want to do that before we leave."

"Go, I'll finish this," he said and finished cleaning up the kithchen.

Meredith stood at the computer, once again reading the message she'd received and satisfied with her reply hit send.

Hello dear,

I know it will be a few days before you read this, but I wanted to reply right away.

Kathleen told me you and Derek are away and no, she did not give me details, nor did I ask. I prefer that you share it with me when you are ready.

You say that you are not ready for emotional intimacy, but Meredith you have already began to do so by sharing what is in your heart, and I hope it reflects the trust upon which we will build our relationship. Oh, sweetheart, knowing there is sadness in your heart breaks my own, and I wish I could be there just to give you a hug, and my son too, but I sense you would need that just a little more.

You have truly warmed my heart Meredith, and you never need to thank me for doing what I have been doing for so long, mothering and loving my children.

Now, don't listen to Kathleen. She's probably told you not to respond too quickly and spoil it for the rest of them, LOL. You're in my prayers, love, Mom.

Dear Mrs. S,

You are determined to make me sentimental, and I'm really good avoiding and hiding that.

Derek and I got back Tuesday and now back at work. Our hearts are healing...truly they are, and our sadness is more bearable. I (we) will share that with you soon.

You were right, he was reading over my shoulder the other day, and wanted to tell Mark & Kat you are aware of their deceit (LOL), but he promised me he would not. I didn't want you to think you can't trust me or that I'm going to let him read all my emails, but that first one to you...was very important, and I wanted to make sure he thought it was respectful and appropriate, and I wanted to make a good impression...and I suppose I should not be telling you this...so I will stop...and I am looking forward to seeing you soon. We are sending you something in the mail.

I really would have loved your hug, but Derek would need it just as much, Meredith

p.s. Derek was reading behind me, before I realized it and I wanted you to know, he agreed, both of us...would need your hug.

Derek walked up to her and put his arms around her, "ready?"

"Yes," she said smiling, and as the words reflected back to her before she signed out she sensed that she would be sharing her dream with his mother much sooner than she'd ever imagined.

"Hey," he said, before they walked out the door, "how bad is it now?"

"Three...maybe less...after our conversation."

"Much better," he said and held her in his embrace, and softly kissed her.

"What about you?"

"Perfect...right now, at this very moment, we've talked...we've had doubts and fears surface and deal with them, " he said and ran his hand through her hair, "right now at this moment it's perfect."

"For me too," she said smiling and softly brushed his lips with hers.

"Meredith, I've got a feeling too..." he said.

"Derek..."

"Remember...my hints..."

"Yes...VIPB..."

"I've got a feeling you're going to know exactly what they meant very soon," he teased her as he reached for her hand and they walked out the door.